Wednesday One-Liners Feel a Lot Better Now

Guy to friends: A girl farted on my head once, and I dated her for three years.

–14th St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: MC

Woman to friend: And then he farted in my mouth.

–Ding Dong Lounge

Overheard by: Rosalind

Hobo, farting loudly, turning at girl walking behind him: That's for you, you fucking bitch!

–Yellow Line Subway Station

Overheard by: Craigalanche

Latina on cell, firmly: I'm not bi-curious, I'm just fart-curious

–49th & 5th

Overheard by: olga

Crazy hobo: Once, I was eating Cracker Jacks, you know, the one with the prize in it? When I finished the box, I farted in it, then sealed it up again. When I opened it a week later, I got the surprise of my life!

–1 Train

Overheard by: nella

Posted on April 2, 2020
All Wednesday One-Liners, Bars & Clubs, Body Parts, Crazies, Dating, Farting & Burping, Food, Friends, Girls, Guys, Hobos, Insults, Latinos, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Sensory Experiences, Sexuality, Street, Stupidity, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Time, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

And Give Michael a Break–He's Only Seven

Red haired woman: Damn it, Michael forgot to pack my lunch again. I am so pissed at him! Arrrrgh!
Big boobed woman: Shhh…shhh… Just get lunch at the store.
Red haired woman: Do they got ribs at the store? Do they got ribs at the store, Portia?
Big boobed woman: You could ask. They have pork.

–A Train

Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster

Posted on March 14, 2020
Advice, Anger Management, Default, Food, Gripes, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Women

Socrates Shows Up Another So-Called ‘Wise Man’

Crazy guy: Let me know about a Caesar salad.
Employee: We don’t sell Caesar salads, sir.
Crazy guy: I didn’t say I wanted a Caesar salad, I said, ‘Let me know about a Caesar salad.’ [Pause] What’s in a Caesar salad?! What do ya’ll know about it?!
Employee: I don’t know.
Crazy guy: That’s what I thought! Ya’ll don’t know about Caesar salads!

–Subway, 41st St, between 6th & Broadway

Overheard by: i know whats in a cesar salad but im not tellin

Posted on March 12, 2020
Cashiers, Crazies, Food, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Restaurants & Cafes

It Takes a Village to Braise a Child

Hipster girl: So, I was thinking, wouldn’t it be great if you could just eat yourself? You would never gain any weight. Actually, you would lose weight like crazy because it would be the best of both worlds: you wouldn’t be consuming any calories, and your metabolism wouldn’t slow down like it does when you just don’t eat.
Guy: Um, are you serious?
Hipster girl: Yeah, I mean, it would be awesome! Think about it: I mean, how great would it be if I could just start gnawing the fat straight off my leg right now? Like, “Mmm, leg.” You know? And it would be, like, totally calorie-free!
Guy: Um, not really? That’s kind of gross and cannibalistic.
Hipster girl: Whatever. One day I’m gonna publish a book on this shit and have, like, a cult following, and then you’ll be sorry you didn’t think it was a good idea.

–N train

Posted on March 2, 2020
Body Parts, Books & Writing, Food, Hipsters, On the Subway

Living with Korsakov’s

Girl #1: That’s pretty much illegal or something.
Girl #2: They’re not really related, and she told her dad and he’s cool with it.
Girl #1: Oooh, do you wanna get some ice cream?

–M96 bus

Posted on February 24, 2020
Crime and Punishment, Family Ties, Food, Girls, Idiots, On the Bus, Stupidity, Talking/Convos

And Who Are You?

College student #1, with Brooklyn meets Boston mystery accent: My uncle is a doctor. Well, he's like a doctor. I mean he works in a hospital, but you know, once you work in a hospital for 15 years you might as well be a doctor cause you know it all by then, anyway. Well, he says that food comas are real. Yeah, you know, it's like the cyanide in the turkey or something.
College student #2: I have no idea what you are talking about.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Dara

Posted on February 8, 2020
Family Ties, Food, Health and Hygiene, Jobs & Careers, Medicine, Students, Trains Not Subway

Sounds Pretty Vanilla to Me, Bob

Entrepreneur #1: We could have ice cream hands jobs.
Entrepreneur #2: Huh?
Entrepreneur #1: Yeah, two things everybody likes.

–Bleecker Street & Broadway

Posted on February 8, 2020
Coworkers, Food, Hand-Jobs, The Village

“That’s not my definition of success.”

Hobo: I’m trying to get something to eat.
Suit: Well, you’re obviously not going to be that successful without having any money.

–94th & Broadway

Posted on February 6, 2020
Food, Hobos, Manhattan, Money & Class, Suits, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center

Wednesday Accidentally Leaves a Sponge in the One-Liner

Woman: I told him I wasn't opposed to dinner just because he's had a vasectomy.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Meister

Preppy guy: They took cartilage out of his ear and put it in my nose.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Ladle

UES woman: I'm going to get my nails done, then get a colonoscopy in Queens.

–89th and Park

Overheard by: AeC and jRw

Woman on phone: Well, of course I got it removed
*(pause)
Woman: It hurt like hell.

–Elevator in the Hudson Hotel

Guy on phone, Nnoz done: Hts okay – it's just routine anal surgery!

–Astor Place

Overheard by: Tam

Posted on February 1, 2020
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Body Parts, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Elevators, Food, Guys, Health and Hygiene, Hotels, Medicine, On Cell, One-liners, Penn Station, Physical appearance, Preppies, Street, Surgery, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Just Find Star Jones and Follow Her Trail

Brit: Excuse me, do you know where the Photography Museum is please?
Newsagent: Chocolate Museum?…Hey mamma, you know where the Chocolate Museum is?
Mamma: I never heard of no Chocolate Museum.
Brit: Not to worry. Thanks anyway.

–53rd St. Newsstand

Overheard by: Shaun Riordan

Posted on January 27, 2020
Blue-collar workers, Directions, Food, Foreigners, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms

Food