Guys

Don’t Feel Bad for Santos’ Little Helper

Guy: I’m doing a house in the Hamptons, but I only know one person, this one girl. So I get an e-mail to meet everyone for drinks on Thursday, and I look at the names and it’s girl girl girl, girl girl, Santos, girl girl girl…and I’m like, “OK, am I the only guy in this house?”. And she said there’s a couple other guys coming out for 1 or 2 weekends. So I’m like, “OK, all girls, that’s cool. Are they cute?” and she says, “Yeah, they’re all cute.” So I said, “Well, I’m not matching the first couple weeks, they’ll think I’m gay!” She said, “Yeah don’t match, they’ll think you’re gay.” So I’m not matching. Plus they’re going to see “Santos” and think I’m freakin’…card-carrying…freakin’…off the boat, just swam the…freakin’ Florida canal…from Cuba or something.

–V train

Overheard by: kt

She Was Sucking Tit at Birth

Guy: So you started drinking young?
Girl: I started drinking at 11.
Guy: Wow, really?
Girl: I was smoking at 9.

–F train

Overheard by: Vito Delsante

He’s Clearly Just Labelled “Guy”

Guy: Hey, how you doin’?
Bum: Ah, shit. It’s the White man!

–116th & Amsterdam

Don’t Think About Splinters…Don’t Think About Splinters

Girl: Yeah, I’m so hot, I have to beat guys off with sticks.
Guy: You beat guys off with sticks?

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Chris Ghirardi

Putting Up Buildings, Tearing Down Builders

Construction guy #1: Hey, pretty boy! Whatcha got under that skirt?
Guy in skirt: Your girlfriend’s fantasy.
Construction guy #2: Oh, shit. He got you there, dude.

–Broadway & 39th

Sounds Like You’re Not a Model for Anyone

Pretty boy: Well, it’s good money, but I don’t want to do it too much, because I don’t want people to think I’m like them.
Unpretty boy: Who, the other male models?
Pretty boy: I am not a male model! I am an actor! I just do it for the money.
Unpretty boy: Sure, sure, it’s just a gig, man.
Pretty boy: I am not a male model!

–14th & 7th

Freaked Out on Skank: When a Hooker Calls Your Wife

Guy #1: Yeah man, she was all over me at that bar!
Guy #2: For real? Why?
Guy #1: She was either skanked out on E or freaked out on skank.

–B61 bus

Overheard by: mfs

Hmm…I Guess That Should Read “Queer”

Guy #1: How do you inhale the smoke like that?
Guy #2: You have to be able to breathe solely through your nostrils. I learned how by sucking a lot of dick.

–12th Street & 2nd Avenue

Now I’m Confused; Who’s “We”?

A guy and a girl are sitting on one side of the train, talking. Another girl is sitting across the train.

Girl #2: Stop confusing her.
Guy: We’re not confusing her, we’re making fun of you.

–R train

That’s Just Sucking Up to the Barber

Guy: So after my reading, one of the actors was being all nice to me, and wanting to hang out, whatever. I thought he was just being friendly, but then I found out from my friend that in acting school they tell you to do that.
Girl: Do what?
Guy: You know, hook up with up and coming playwrights and directors, so you have contacts. Come to think of it, all my actor friends started being nicer to me after my reading. You guys should be sucking up, too.
Girl: I like your hair.

–105th & 5th

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