Health and Hygiene

Wednesday One-Liners Go Directly to My Thighs

Teeny tiny gay guy: I used to be so skinny in high school.

–Staten Island

Teenage girl to another: I mean, why bother to eat anything if you're just gonna shit it all out?

–L Train

Woman carrying baby to friend: Also, I burn an extra 500 calories a day just by breastfeeding!

–5th Ave & 16th St

Overheard by: Tracy

20-something guy, about Sour Patch Kids gummy candy: They're fat-free, so they're good for you!

–4 Train

Six-year-old girl, eating bagel: All of the fat from this is going to go straight to my ass!

–A Train

Overheard by: that's just great

I Lettered in It at Ohio State.

Girl: I have a sliver in my hand!
Guy: I will pick it out when we get home.
Girl: No, that's okay. I like picking at my skin.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Victoria

Another White Space in the Memory Of My Life

Blonde: So what is this drink anyway?
Creepy guy: A roofie-coolada. (sinister snicker)
Blonde: Oh. Okay! (laughs)

–Virgil's, W 44th St

And by “Make” I Mean “Get at Taco Bell”

Girl on cell drinking frozen lemonade: No, mom. The frozen lemonade is not going to be my dinner. I'm going to go home and make myself something healthy. Love you! (hangs up)
Friend: Is that gonna be your dinner?
Girl: No! I'm gonna go home and make…
Friend: I love how honest you are with your parents.
Girl, interrupting: Some motherfuckin' nachos.

–86th & 5th

I'd Eat Human Babies If They'd Make My Thighs Look Smaller

Little boy: The Russians eat brains?
Mom, looking at cookbook: This is a French cookbook.
Little boy: The french eat brains?!
Mom: Not human brains. Animals'.
Little boy: That's disgusting!
Mom: Yes, it's very high in cholesterol.

–Barnes & Noble, 86th & Lexington

…But I Guess I'll Take Some Of That Purple Stuff.

Girl #1: No, you cannot have my Sunny D.
Girl #2: Just dropkick me in the fucking heart.

–University Dorm

When Boys Learn About Girls on the Internet

Horny boy #1: Dude, when a girl asks for an ass massage she's totally asking for sex!
Horny boy #2: I know, man! I'd be pissed, too.

–Bleecker St

Thighs…Chafing…Can't Go on

British girl #1, standing and holding out hand for friend: Sorry, this city makes my hands dirty.
British girl #2: This city makes my whole body dirty.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Brian

Wednesday One-Liners, for Purely Medicinal Purposes

Guy wearing a promotional cardboard to another: I think I'm going to treat myself to health insurance next month.

–Broadway & 43rd St

Overheard by: Maria

Woman on phone: My urologist wanted to stick a microscope up my urethra! (pause) No! (pause) Because it's going to hurt!

–Vandam St & 6th Ave

20-something woman on cell: Yeah, the doctor told me not to exfoliate my labia.

–R Train

Overheard by: Note to self….

Bartender: I gotta get sexy for my doctor tomorrow. I'm gonna be like, "doctor, I need you to examine me. I need you to remove my garments." Nah… I'm just playin'. My doctor's cute, though. For real. I'm just gonna show some cleavage or somethin'.

–Jamaica, Queens

Woman on phone: She wants to be a doctor. She likes it when the guts fall out. (pause) No, she wouldn't do that. She's too lazy to be a serial killer.

–Fox Newsroom, 6th & 48th

Overheard by: Newsbunny

Next: Driving Gloves

Old woman pushing cart, loudly to old man: I'm going to get you mouthwash for your teeth.
Old man: But I don't have teeth.
Old woman, now yelling: I know that! But this way when you get teeth, you'll know you have mouthwash.

–Columbus Ave & 103rd St

Overheard by: Xsusha

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