Insults

Young Mr. Duran Is Just Hungry Like the Wolf

Pretty teen girl #1: Did you know there's a guy in our school who looks exactly like Taylor Lautner?
Pretty teen girl #2: Seriously?
Pretty teen girl #1: Yeah. His name is Alison.
Pretty teen girl #2: Ew. That's such an ugly name!
Pretty teen girl #1: I know. He like, stares… If you turn around and look at him, he's looking at you. All the girls think he's staring at them. You know how all the girls in that group are pretty?
Pretty teen girl #2: I know! It's crazy!

–Starbucks, Chelsea

Overheard by: Katherine Wallace

Ooo, Your Insult's Got Bite!

Queen #1: What the fuck, girl, did you not look in the mirror before walkin' out da house? Those shoes do not match that shirt!
Queen #2, with sass: You obviously did look in the mirror, because that shirt (points at dark yellow shirt) matches your teeth perfectly.

–F Train

Isn't That the Motto Of Staten Island?

Woman to friend: You see how ugly she is?
Friend: Yes.
Woman: Ugly people are always nasty people!

–Grenwich & Morris

Overheard by: Gunther

When Bratz Dolls Chat.

Girl #1: Do I look too slutty?
Girl #2: You look slutty, but not in an attractive way.

–Columbia University

Except People Actually Read Him

Male NYU student: Sound bites! I mean… Fucking sound bites! And that's all they have! These people don't actually know what they are talking about!
Female NYU student: (hesitant murmur of agreement)
Male NYU student, stopping to look at coffee table book: Oh man! Hunter S. Thompson! Have you read him? One of the great… beat poets.

–The Strand Bookstore

Overheard by: Ben

Your Editors Had to Look This One Up.

Religious promoter: Jesus is the eternal savior! Only He can save you from the doom that you see in the movies that destroy New York!
Passerby: May I ask where you're from?
Religious promoter: Um… Union City.
Passerby: Go the fuck home!

–Times Square

Wednesday One-Liners Keep It Rail

Conductor: Ladies in gentlemen, we would be moving, but there's a bitch-ass 5 train ahead hogging all the customers at 59th St.

–4 Express Train

Overheard by: Lexington

Conductor: Once again, there are no 2 or 3 trains from this station, so if you are looking for anything, don't get off the train, coz it's not gonna be there.

–Downtown 4 Train

Overheard by: Donz

Conductor: Okay, raise your hand if you want to leave!

–7 Train

Overheard by: will it help if I put two hands up?

Conductor: Do not get on this train. It is not taking any passengers, not even one. Do not even try, you will get kicked off.

–Fordham Rd, Bronx

Overheard by: The next train isn't for an hour and I'm already late.

Conductor: Attention, passengers… You cannot use chemical solvents on the train.

–NJ Transit

Conductor: The next stop will be Bryant Park, #2nd Street. What a gorgeous day! Why not take advantage of one of New York City's many fine outdoor eateries. Have you heard the one about the monk and the hot dog vendor? Hot dog vendor: "What's it going to be, buddy?" Monk: "Make me one with everything"! This is Bryant Park, 42nd Street. Have an enlightened day!

–F Train

The Brontë Sisters Always Have Fun in New York

Drunk blonde woman #1, rapping: I'm right up in your grill!
Drunk blonde woman #2: It's a motherfuckin' thrill!
Drunk blonde woman #1: We wanna eat your flesh!
Drunk blonde woman #2: Our rhymes are really fresh!
Drunk blonde woman #1: We get into your shopping bag! We get into your purse! (pause) I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about!
Drunk blonde woman #2: It might just be a curse!

–7 Train

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed, and Something Wednesday One-Liner

Woman on cell: Yeah, today's his wedding. I thought about driving seven hours through the snowstorm to go, but then I realized that it's his third wedding, he has two kids, and he's marrying some woman who's pregnant and married to someone else, so I decided to fuck that shit and stay in the city.

–6th Ave & Bleecker St

Overheard by: office peon

30-something guy on cell: Your dad told you, your brother told you, I told you… Not to get married.

–Upper West Side

Woman: We may or may not still be married. I mean, I signed the papers but I don't know if they were ever filed.

–Williamsburg

Overheard by: Confabulation Nation

Woman screaming at embarrassed guy: We have to figure this out! You can't be married to two women at once!

–Chambers & Broadway

Overheard by: Jack

Maybe He Doesn't Eat Carbs?

Old black hobo: Folks… Look inside your heart. I am hungry and I am homeless. Please help me with some food or something. Look inside your heart.
(young black teenager keeps waving a subway sandwich in his face while hobo continues to rant)
Old black hobo: Look inside your heart. I am so hungry. Just look inside your heart!
Young black teenager, real pissed off: Sucka, look inside this bag! There's a sandwich in here!

–1 Train

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