Marriage

Wednesday One-Liners File Jointly

Man in Rangers shirt: … And that’s when we realized that she married Satan.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: rosemary’s baby

Homeless guy yelling at everyone: Paul McCartney, you so rich, why you marry a woman with one leg? You could buy yourself one with two legs easily. Easily, dammit.

–E/V station, 53rd & 5th

Professor: Marriage is a state institution. It’s not a voluntary love-fest.

–Silver Center, Washington Square

Balding suit on cell: No, no, it was a phase… And I would know, right? No, I’m telling you, he’s just confused… He’s a kid! And anyway, he’s married now… No, he’ll be fine.

–Citarella, W 9th St

Dude: Sitting here eating these Nerds is the best day of my life, ever. Well, this and my wedding day.

–Landmark Sunshine Cinema, Houston St

Overheard by: Russ Wall

Unlike His Dad, Who Married a Lumberjack

Security guy: I wanna have like 15 kids all by the same woman.
Cashier: That’s crazy.
Security guy: My grandmother had 16 kids. That’s a real woman. I want to marry a real woman.

–Duane Reade, Bleeker & LaGuardia

Husband: Omagah, THX 1138— Very Hot!

Hipster guy: I forgot to tell you — she cut off all her hair.
Hipster girl: What?!
Hipster guy: She said she wanted short hair once in her life.
Hipster girl: Oh my god! She’s crazy!
Hipster guy: I know.
Hipster girl: Oh my god! I can’t believe she did that!
Hipster guy: I guess it doesn’t matter when you’re married.

–F train, Brooklyn

…Wanna Get a Hotel Room After This?

Smashed male Yankees fan: Yeah, I am married. So what's the problem with your life?
Equally hammered female Yankees fan: I don't swallow, and I have two twenty-year-old twin boys.

–NJ Transit

Overheard by: Jabroni

Might Be Time for a False Pregnancy

Bleached blonde #1: He’s totally cheating on me.
Bleached blonde #2: Yeah, with his wife. I don’t think that counts.
Bleached blonde #1: It totally does. The bastard.

–Carnegie Hall

That Just Means He Likes Kids

Girl #1: So this is the man you want to marry?
Girl #2: Yeah.
Girl #1: And you said there were how many maggots on the turkey?

–3rd & B

“…we need to make our baby seem like a bastard.”

Lady: Yeah, we’re getting married this Saturday.
Businesswoman #1: Oh my gosh! You’re getting married? Where’s the ring?
Businesswoman #2: I want to see the ring!
Lady: Actually I’m wearing a wedding band because we really got married in January.

–Times Square

Overheard by: kim n.

I Don’t Think That Yellow AIM Guy Has Genitals

Drunk chick #1: You like acronyms.
Drunk chick #2: And making out.
Drunk chick #1: You should marry someone who has a job making acronyms.

–9 train

Wednesday One-Liners in Elbow-Patch Blazers

Professor: So I told my grad students they could have an A if they earned it, or if they beat me in a 12-minute cage fight.

–Fordham Universityy

Israeli politics professor, after class: There's enough Tylenol out there to take care of your hangovers after Purim. So, all your sorry little asses better be in this class at three o'clock, Wednesday afternoon.

–Yeshiva University

English professor: Yeah, the end of the poem relates to the beginning. Every good poem has a return… just like a good walk.

–Hunter college

Professor: Of course there was marital harmony! As we all know, the family who cuts drugs together, stays together.

–Fordham Law School

Overheard by: EntertainedStudent

Professor: An example of synecdoche would be, "get your ass over here." You want all of them, not just their ass. But sometimes, you do just want their ass. And we all know how that goes. But that sort of thing doesn't happen in a classroom… usually.

–NYU

Overheard by: queenofscots

Wednesday One-Liners for the Fine Young Cannibals

Hipster: Everyone I know is either married, divorced, gay or crazy.

–37th St, Astoria

Overheard by: Matthias Sundberg

Karaoke panhandler singing Gnarls Barkley: "Does that make me craaaaazy? Maybe I'm craaaaaazy!" It's Memorial Day and I'm sitting here singing to people I never met before in my life. Mmmmmm…craaaazy!

–Times Square Subway Station

Black woman to janitor companion: I am so glad I live in the ghetto. These motherfuckers down here are crazy! (companion nods) And I live in the ghe-tto, 2 train ghetto.

–22nd St & 5th Ave

Hobo, watching man and woman having sex against a statue: I think I'm going to have to move to Europe or something. This place is getting too crazy.

–Madison Square Park

Overheard by: Westsider

30-something guy on cell: Well, that's what my crazy sister said about my more crazy sister.

–Broadway & 114th St

Overheard by: mary e.

Little boy in abandoned shopping cart: I've gotta get off this crazy train!

–Target, Atlantic Ave

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