NYC Geography

Wednesday One-Liners Prefer Omaha

Tourist girl to another: Oh my god, yes! Yeah, we’ll just walk back. Times Square is like a couple blocks away.

–11th St

Tourist, about Rent: Is this show always about Christmas time? Because I know there are some shows that they update for each season.

–Nederlander Theatre

Tourist lady: Tree! Where are you?

–Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: Robert

Tourist, navigating crowds: Oh my god! I, like, feel like Anne Frank.

–49th & 8th

Overheard by: Claustrophobic

Tourist: Where’s a Duane What’s-his-nuts when you need it?

–45th & 8th

Overheard by: Ben Smith

Tourist girl: … Are we in a dungeon?

–Track 4, Penn Station

Wednesday One-Liners Are Just Happy to Be Warm

Angry woman on cell: I don’t care if you are an ordained fucking minister, you can go straight to fucking hell!

–Barnes & Noble, Union Square

Overheard by: Last-minute shopper

Crazy lady into microphone: Just because you don’t do drugs or have sex doesn’t mean you’re not going to hell!

–Subway station, 43rd & Broadway, Times Square

Teacher: Let’s go to hell!

–Stuyvesant High

Hobo: Is this the train to hell? It is! Oh my god, you’re all in purgatory!

–A train, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Geneva

Scruffy artist type, to self: I’m not in hell, I’m in New York. I’m not in hell, I’m in New York…

–Elevator, Bellevue Hospital

Overheard by: David

Look, That Hobo’s Fertilizing It!

Girl #1: There it is.
Girl #2: Aw. I thought Madison Square Garden was supposed to be… a garden.

–34th & 7th

If by “Discount Shopping” You Mean “Anonymous Barebacking”

Young girl with Texan accent #1: What’s Soho?
Young girl with Texan accent #2: Oh, that’s like where they have all the discount shopping places.

–R train

Headline by: dan

Runners-Up:
· “Bush Twins…….Activate!” – stephie
· “In Texas, We Call It Mexico…” – Michael Haigh
· “There’s a Wal-Mart in SoHo?” – Chuckles
· “They Were Disappointed with DUMBO, Too.” – nick

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Or Is That because the Train Is Going North?

Dude: Do any of these trains go under water?
Chick: Yeah, you can feel it getting colder. It’s so cool.
Dude: Which train is it?
Chick: It’s one of those trains that goes from Brooklyn to Manhattan. I think it was the B or the G…

–6 train, Brooklyn Bridge City Hall

Mother Nature Gets Her Period

Woman #1: Don’t step on those leaves!
Woman #2: What?
Woman #1: This is why I don’t come to Manhattan — all these goddamn trees. I hate leaves.

–Grand & Essex

Overheard by: wb

Headline by: Gunther

Runners-Up:
· “But I Love the Black Gum Splotches On The Sidewalk” – Naked Lunch
· “Hobos, on the Other Hand, Are Manhattan’s Welcome Mat” – Kristin
· “In Jersey We Don’t Have to Put Up with This Crap” – PeterG
· “There’s Nothing a New Yorker Won’t Hate” – Volante
· “This Is Why I Hate Leaving the Bunker.” – sweetchuck

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Wednesday One-Liners Are All Over the Map

Lesbian: Bitch, you better shut the fuck up before I go Park Slope on your ass!

–1 train

Aging khaki preppy: That’s Strawberry Fields? It looks so… East side.

–Strawberry Fields

Overheard by: turd on the run

Lady tourist: A gay bar — I think it was in Chelsea. Is there a gay bar in Chelsea?

–Metro-North Riverdale station

History buff: Before taxis, there was no Upper West Side.

–12th & 1st

Lady: It’s sort of an ugly day today in Williamsburg. Other days it’s like ripe fruit hanging from the man tree…

–McCarren Park

Queer: This is Chelsea. There’s cum on the floor everywhere!

–19th & 8th

Overheard by: Prem

If It’s a Mugging, You’re in Luck!

Conductor: You know what stop this is?
Alabaster college prep: Harlem?
Conductor: Mmm-hm… Hope you find what you’re looking for, son.

–125th St station, Harlem

Wednesday One-Liners, You Are Here

Girl on cell: Yeah, I’m in New York City… Yeah, it’s on the East coast, but it’s not really on the East coast. It’s not, like, next to water or anything.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Beach Goer

Dude: My god. I mean, everyone knows Broadway and Fifth Avenue are the same thing, and the idiot says no.

–14th & 4th

Overheard by: girl in the red coat

High school boy: So let me ask you this — how easy is it to cross over from Egypt to Mexico?

–3 train

Overheard by: Nick H

School trip escapee teen to pal: Now we can do whatever we want… We’re in Times Square!

–Outside Penn Station, 7th Ave

Overheard by: Go back to Iowa

Tourist chick to friends: LaGuardia? How the fuck did we end up at the fucking airport?

–Houston, at LaGuardia

Wednesday One-Liners Can’t Even Fold Their Maps Properly

Girl: We should spend less money on the war in Iraq and use it to help countries like Africa.

–Principles of Economics lecture, Columbia University

Overheard by: Ed

Receptionist: I?m sorry, Mr. Jones* is out of the country… He went to Florida.

–Hunter College

Overheard by: Effy

Vendor: Welcome to Coney Island!

–Union Square

Irish tourists: Which direction is the lake?

–West Broadway & Canal St

Overheard by: Confused

Woman: Yeah, it’s the five bureaus: Manhattan, Harlem, Brooklyn, the Bronx, and Staten Island.

–Metro-North

Overheard by: Amused

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