Wednesday May Have Soiled Its One-Liners

Man on cell: She said I had to pay, so I shat in her mouth and left.

–34th & 5th

Three-year-old boy, looking overjoyed: I have to go poop!

–Store, 18th & Union Square West

Overheard by: i had to go, too!

Woman getting on train, giggling: I got a question…is there a pile of feces on this train?

–A Train

Elderly man on phone: Yesterday I coughed and shat my pants.

–3rd Ave & Fordham

Four-year-old boy, dancing: I like to move it, move it! I like to poop it, poop it!

–E 69th St McDonald's

Overheard by: Leslie

Brunette on cell: And then I told her, "hey hey, I'm not the fecal freak here. Don't go throwing poo at me." I mean really, I don't even like my own poo. I'm supposed to like hers?

–Williamsburg

Posted on February 11, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Clothing, Girls, Happiness, Health and Hygiene, Kids, Men, Money & Class, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Old People, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Poop, Public Transportation, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Store, Street, The Bronx, Union Square and East Village, Upper East Side, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Williamsburg, Women

What Santa Does 364 Days a Year

Old man dressed in all red clothes to jogger passing by: Good morning!
Jogger: Good morning.
Old man: Want to wrestle? We can wrestle right over there.
Jogger: No, thanks.

–Riverside & 91st

Overheard by: Rocco

Posted on February 10, 2009
Athletes, Offers and requests, Old People, Sports, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Weirdness

Sorry, Ma'am, All the Guatemala Got Deported.

Older lady, with heavy Southern belle drawl: Excuse me, miss, is this Guatemala?
Sandwich shop clerk: What?
Older lady, indicating green condiment on her croissant sandwich: I really think this is Guatemala. Is it?

–51st St & Lexington Ave

Overheard by: Captain Zoom

Posted on February 5, 2009
Clerks, Food, Global Geography, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Old People, Questions, Stupidity, Women

Your Question Answers Itself, Dottie

Old woman #1: Didn't you know that Asian people just love animals?
Old woman #2 (aggrieved): Then why do they eat them?

–Court & Degraw

Posted on February 2, 2009
Brooklyn, Ethnic Food, Old People, Questions, Race, We Love Our Pets

Stacey Got the Short End Of the Stick When It Came to Fairy Godmothers

Old lady, tapping girl on the back: Girl! Get off the curb!
Preppy JAP: Uh, excuse me?
Old lady: Do you live in New York?
Preppy JAP: Um…yeah?
Old lady: Then get off the curb, and get off your fucking cell phone!

–1 Ave & E 84th St

Posted on February 1, 2009
Cell Phone, Insults, JAPs, Old People, Only in New York, Preppies, Upper East Side

It's a Total Wi-Fi Meat Market

Older straight woman with tiny dog: Is this place a Hotspot?
40-something gay man with bright pink shirt: You mean like a meat market?

–Starbucks, 12th St & 2nd Ave

Posted on February 1, 2009
Food, Internet, Old People, Queer guys, Questions, Starbucks, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness, Women, Words

Could You Use “Wednesday One-Liners” in a Sentence?

Girl to friend: I know, man! I was like, "Expelliarmus!"

–116th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Bahnahd

College guy to his friends: If you use the word "status quo" in a paper, you're guaranteed to get at least an A.

–Cental Park

Overheard by: dizzle

Smug dude: He told me he needed a dictionary to have a conversation with me. I mean, just because instead of saying…um…like…well, instead of a short word…I use a big one.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Ivory Girl

Old man to another: What's that word mean, "egotistical"? You blindsided me with that word! Egotistical!

–Reading Room, Bryant Park

Overheard by: Jessie

Woman on cell: You never heard of tilapia? You got to get out of the hood!

–St. John's & Classon

Overheard by: Mollie

Posted on January 28, 2009
Animals & Nature, Books & Writing, Brooklyn, Bryant Park, Central Park, Film, Food, Friends, Girls, Guys, Height, Old People, On Cell, One-liners, Penn Station, Questions, School and studying, Students, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Women, Words

Do You Want Pre-op or Post-op?

Older worn-out assistant: Do you know how hard it is to find an on-call tranny hooker?
Suit: On-call?

–51st St & Park Ave

Overheard by: krissy

Posted on January 16, 2009
9 to 5-ers, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Old People, Prostitution, Questions, Suits, Trannies

Where They Don't Even Have Lettuce

(large group of rowdy ghetto teens gets on train, one sits and begins eating a hamburger)
Girl: Yo, why do white people be thinkin' niggas like tomato on they sandwich?
Guy friend: I dunno.
(girl begins throwing lettuce and tomato on the ground)
Old man across the train: You're disgusting!
Girl: Hey, fuck you!
Guy friend: Yo, he just called you disgusting!
Girl: Well, he can kiss my ass!
Guy friend: Them's fightin' words on my block.
Old man, exiting train: Oh, go back to ghetto, you piece of shit!
Girl: That's exactly where we goin', muthafucker!

–6 Train

Overheard by: ahhh, New York

Posted on January 9, 2009
Black People, Food, Friends, Girls, Guys, Insults, Old People, Questions, Race

A NYC Bathroom Is a Multi-Purpose Space

Old white man, with beard and metrosexual outfit: How was that party?
Obnoxiously loud Indian girl: Shit, there was this really gross dude. He was so gross and so horny!
Old white man: Was he hitting on you?
Obnoxiously loud Indian girl: No. He was was hitting on every girl at that house party. He went up to each of my friends. Oh, he's so gross. They were each telling him to get away.
Old white man: He was probably the only straight guy invited to the party, then.
Obnoxiously loud Indian girl: He was so gross, he started talking to my friend. Later I walk in the bathroom, and she is fucking him!

–Union Square

Overheard by: H Ramachandran (rolling my eyes)

Posted on January 6, 2009
Celebrations/Parties, Girls, Horny, India Indians, Men, Old People, Sex, Union Square and East Village, White People

Old People

Do You Want Pre-op or Post-op?