Wednesday One-Liners Get “The Girlfriend Experience”

Disheveled gentleman: Hey, man, can you spare some change? I need a bottle of vodka, a bag of marijuana, and a prostitute. I'm desperate!

–East Village

Overheard by: Matty Mac

Toothless lady on street corner to friend: I ain't never been to jail, I ain't never fucked nobody for money!

–Brooklyn

Older Guido to young hipster: And then you got a fuckin' hooker on your hand, what are you going to to do?

–Mulberry

Overheard by: nina

Clean-cut queer: So she says "where are you going after this?" and I say "I think I'm just going to go back to the hotel and get some sleep" and she says "do you want company?" and I say "well, you're not really my type" and she says "I've got lots of friends… What's your type?" and I say "boys." And she's all, "oh, well, that's nice!" And then she leaves pretty quickly. And my friend says "who was that? Do you know her?" and I say, "no, she's just some very, very, very friendly girl. In a gold lamé cocktail dress. On a Tuesday night."

–6 Train

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Guy on cell: I wish I was in Florida–the hookers down there owe me 8 bucks and a beer!

–Astoria

Posted on July 14, 2010
All Wednesday One-Liners, Astoria, Bag ladies, Brooklyn, Clothing, Drinking & Drunk People, Friends, Friendship, Gays and Lesbians, Gender issues, Guidos, Guys, Hipsters, Insults, Men, Money & Class, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Panhandling, Physical appearance, Pick-up Lines, Prison, Prostitution, Queer guys, Questions, Sex, Store, Stupidity, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Weed, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Wednesday One-Liners Are Having an Episode.

Excited train operator: This is a Brooklyn-bound f train. Please step in and stand clear of the closing doors… Did any of y'all watch Cold Case Files last night? Whoooo!

–F Train

Female suit to another: I mean, we're better off having our kids watch American Idol than Baby Einstein.

–3rd & 84th

Overheard by: Daniela

Angry woman: They lied bout all that shit! I don't care bout her baby whether she's preggo or sick. I'mma whip that ugly bitch's ass… This ain't no Leave it to Beaver nothin' !

–Q Train

Overheard by: Taylor

Loud college student: A lot of things in my life I've been mirroring after the Dog Whisperer show. You know? It's just socializing.

–Library

Overheard by: Elyse

Teenage guy to friend: Man, every time I watch tv, I fucking hate life.

–81st St & Columbus Ave

Posted on July 14, 2010
All Wednesday One-Liners, Compare/Contrast, Conductors, Gripes, Illness, Insults, Kids, Library, Lies, On the Subway, One-liners, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Public Transportation, Questions, Street, Students, Suits, Teens, Threats, TV, Upper East Side, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Have Wood.

Teenage boy: You know, if you think about it, violins are basically just giant condoms.

–Bard High School, Queens

Overheard by: Sunny

Older man on cell walking two giant dogs: She has a great body… When she sits, it's like a German violinist.

–Thompson Square Park

Mother to young daughter: Even if she was tired and cranky, she still shouldn't have hit you on the shoulder with a violin.

–Ave A & 6th St

Woman on cell: Let's go see the one about the transsexual violinists. (pause, yelling louder) Violinists! The transsexual violin players. Violin! (pause) You didn't say "violin"? Just transsexuals? (pause) Did you say "violence"? (pause) No? (pause) I'm not hungover!

–J Train

Posted on July 14, 2010
All Wednesday One-Liners, Alphabet City, Beauty, Body Parts, Compare/Contrast, Condoms, Fast Times at New York High, Girls, Instruments, Moms, Old People, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Parks, Physical appearance, Queens, Teens, Trannies, Union Square and East Village, Violence, Wednesday One-Liners, Women, Words

But I'm More Important Than Most!

Conductor: I know you all are in a hurry, and you are all very important, but we need to close the train doors or we ain't goin' nowhere.
Woman: I can't get in! Move in, people!
Conductor: Giiiiirl, let me tell you right now, no way in hell you're gonna fit. Step off and back it up, sistah. The train's moving.

–1 Train

Overheard by: Kris

Posted on July 11, 2010
Advice, Conductors, On the Subway, Passengers, Public Transportation

Now Quit Whining and Drink Your Cappucino

Little girl: I'm gonna be 4!
Mom: In December.
Little girl: In December!
Mom: And you're gonna be this short forever. You're not gonna grow.
Little girl: Whaaa-aaaat?

–Q Train

Overheard by: Brigid

Posted on July 11, 2010
Age/Aging, Assholes, Comebacks, Kids, Moms, On the Subway, Parents, Physical appearance

Remember the Hippo Ballerinas from Fantasia?

Little boy looking at a poster for “dance your a$$ off”: That guy is fat, she is fat, they are all fat.
Boy's friend: They are all very fat.
Babysitter: Hey, that isn't nice.
Little boy: But they are fat.

–1 Train

Overheard by: UWSider

Posted on July 11, 2010
Dancing, Diet/Weight, Friends, Girls, Kids, On the Subway, Physical appearance

You Make an Interesting Point.

Female: Yo, I can't understand you.
(pause)
Male: Vaaa-giiii-naaaa!

–Uptown Q Train

Posted on July 9, 2010
Gender issues, Men, On the Subway, Vagina, Women

Fucking Nerd

Boy #1: Dude, you are totally not a nerd anymore, just like I'm not that emo.
Boy #2: No, you're still totally emo.
Boy #1: What the fuck, dude? Look, only two bracelets and I'm so not rocking the eyeliner anymore.
Boy #2: Still emo.

–1 Train

Posted on July 8, 2010
Age/Aging, Boys, Compare/Contrast, Fashion, Insults, On the Subway, Physical appearance

The Good News Is That I Win Every Race I Enter.

Woman #1: Naw, he got a cabbage head like his father.
Woman #2: Like you, too?
Woman #1: Nuh-uhn. I got a turtle head.

–F Train

Overheard by: Doug Brandt

Posted on July 8, 2010
Animals & Nature, Body Parts, Compare/Contrast, Family Ties, On the Subway, Parents, Passengers, Vegetarian & Vegan

Um, Because I Have All Your Medication?

Middle-aged daughter: You have my permission to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
Ninety-year-old mother: Why the hell would I want to talk to you anyway?

–R Train

Overheard by: New York State of Mind

Posted on July 8, 2010
Comebacks, Family Ties, Moms, Old People, On the Subway, Parents, Questions, Women

On the Subway