Kid #1: You’re mad short, haha.
Kid #2: Shut up! I know I’m short! I haven’t grown at all! The only thing that grew was my dick!
–Columbus Circle
Overheard by: A.K.
Headline by: KMW
Runners-Up:
· “And Somewhere in America, Mary Kay Letourneau’s Ears Prick Up” – Sara
· “Everyone in Dwarf Porn Goes through This Moment” – M
· “I’m a Little Teapot, 2.0” – Duncan Pflaster
· “Whatchu Talkin’ About, Willis?” – Molly
Man on cell: So, my boss texted me and wanted to know about fleshlights…
–B train
Loud lady on cell: So you’re the one who sent me a text message saying, ‘A penis is the best breakfast because it has two eggs, a sausage, and milk’!
–Q25 bus
Chick on cell: You may have texted me about him, but because it was Halloween, I was too busy flogging dogs.
–Columbia University
Overheard by: McF.
Plagiarist: … And he sent me a text message saying, ‘I guess I have to do your homework now, L-O-L,’ and I’m like, ‘What’s the L-O-L for? You think this is a joke?!’
–Baruch Collge, Newman Vertical Campus
Overheard by: I Am McLovey
Girl on cell: They were texting you from downstairs? Oooh, that’s gay.
–Starbucks, Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Jenya
Guy #1: You know, 82 percent of the world is not cut.
Guy #2: Yeah, I’m not circumcised.
Guy #3: Dude! That’s gross!
Guy #2: No — how so? It’s cool.
Guy #3: Yo, let’s call up some bitch and ask her what’s hotter: a dick with the skin or without it.
Guy #4: You know, the David is not circumcised.
Guy #2: See?! Cut penises are so bare.
Guy #5: How would you know?!
Guy #4: Yeah, but the David’s Jewish… It’s wrong! And how does an uncircumcised penis help you?
Guy #2: It protects dirt from coming in.
–Columbia University
Girl looking at giant sculpture of baby just out of the womb: Is that a penis, Mommy?
Mother: No. That’s an umbilical cord, not a penis.
–Brooklyn Museum
Black tween girl: So, Jared was like, ‘What? You want a pizza party?’ and I said, ‘No, I want a party that I can pop, lock, and drop in.’ And then she goes, ‘Girl, I can pop and lock, but if I drop, I’ll drop.
–59th & Lex N/R/W stop
Overheard by: koala
Drunk guy on cell: What? Yeah, it’s always a great party… Hmmm… Let me think of who I have to sleep with to get you an invite…
–34th & 3rd
20-ish chick: I was telling the girls about how his cock unfurls like one of those party blowers, and then they happened to have those blowers at the New Year’s Eve party we went to, so I tormented them with one all night.
–Columbia University
Overheard by: McFreaky
Late-30s guy: I’m the kind of guy who goes to parties and brags about my perky corneas.
–House party, S 8th St, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Ursula & Winifred
Guy on cell: Well, the funeral was Tuesday… Yeah, the party was that night.
–10th & 2nd
Overheard by: Suzz
Barbie type to tourist pals: It sucks — you guys are like two weeks late to party with Heath Ledger.
–2nd Ave, between E 6th & E 7th St
Overheard by: Ben
Five-year-old boy pointing at large statue of naked man: Look how small his whizzer is, Mommy!
Mother: It’s not nice to point, Jake.
Five-year-old boy: But he’s not a real person… Look how small it is!
–Time Warner Center Mall
PA announcement: Passengers with over-sized packages must check them at the end of the jetway.
Traveling dude #1: I have an over-sized package… But I can’t check it, baby! Woo-hoo!
Traveling dude #2: You’re a jackass.
–LaGuardia
Overheard by: octoserge
Chick on cell: I now have people in four states wanting to see his dick.
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Ladle
Man on cell: Haha, whiskey dick.
–89th & 3rd
Overheard by: Zach
Chick to guy: If your dick starts to morph, that’s a bad sign.
–Lucky 13 Saloon, Park Slope
Overheard by: Danielle
Girl, in disbelief: Your penis can shiver?!
–Lafayette & Astor
Male parks department employee on cell: Listen, Ed — you’re gonna think this is a crazy question, but I need to know what size penis you got.
–Prospect Park
Guy: Dude, I drank a shit-load, but I don’t pull my dick out of my pants in public and show it to people! Why do you do that?
–Montague St, Brooklyn Heights
Guy on cell: What?! Oh… Okay, I’ll write on your dick.
–OK Foods
Creepster #1: Oh, man! I’m scared I’d never be able to have sex again.
Creepster #2: Naw, man, it isn’t that bad. Just make sure they pierce it in the right spot.
–9th & 6th
Man to cop: I know my dick is big, but I didn’t know it was illegal.
–Yankee Stadium bathroom
Overheard by: howie ray
Guy: My penis practically has a halo right now.
–N 10th & Bedford
Australian lady: Oh, look! It’s the penis people again!
–Bodies Exhibit, South St Seaport
Girl on cell: So, wait — let me get this straight — last night you dreamed that you were coming out of the shower, looked down, and saw my head instead of your dick? … Well, was my head in the shape of a dick? … Oh, then no, that’s not weird.
–Sullivan St
Overheard by: someone needs new friends
Big black lady on cell: His penis was about as big as… Hmmm, let me see here… Probably that stop sign over there. Yeah, that looks about right.
–25th & 6th
WASP lady to friend: … And then, I mean, you save the really expensive stuff for the penis.
–89th & Madison
Overheard by: Dani
