Penis

Wednesday One-Liners Will Bring the Keg

Black tween girl: So, Jared was like, ‘What? You want a pizza party?’ and I said, ‘No, I want a party that I can pop, lock, and drop in.’ And then she goes, ‘Girl, I can pop and lock, but if I drop, I’ll drop.

–59th & Lex N/R/W stop

Overheard by: koala

Drunk guy on cell: What? Yeah, it’s always a great party… Hmmm… Let me think of who I have to sleep with to get you an invite…

–34th & 3rd

20-ish chick: I was telling the girls about how his cock unfurls like one of those party blowers, and then they happened to have those blowers at the New Year’s Eve party we went to, so I tormented them with one all night.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: McFreaky

Late-30s guy: I’m the kind of guy who goes to parties and brags about my perky corneas.

–House party, S 8th St, Williamsburg

Overheard by: Ursula & Winifred

Guy on cell: Well, the funeral was Tuesday… Yeah, the party was that night.

–10th & 2nd

Overheard by: Suzz

Barbie type to tourist pals: It sucks — you guys are like two weeks late to party with Heath Ledger.

–2nd Ave, between E 6th & E 7th St

Overheard by: Ben

And I Told You, It’s Called a “Cock,” Sweetie

Five-year-old boy pointing at large statue of naked man: Look how small his whizzer is, Mommy!
Mother: It’s not nice to point, Jake.
Five-year-old boy: But he’s not a real person… Look how small it is!

–Time Warner Center Mall

And Stop Fondling Yourself

PA announcement: Passengers with over-sized packages must check them at the end of the jetway.
Traveling dude #1: I have an over-sized package… But I can’t check it, baby! Woo-hoo!
Traveling dude #2: You’re a jackass.

–LaGuardia

Overheard by: octoserge

Do You Have Wednesday One-Liner Envy?

Chick on cell: I now have people in four states wanting to see his dick.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Ladle

Man on cell: Haha, whiskey dick.

–89th & 3rd

Overheard by: Zach

Chick to guy: If your dick starts to morph, that’s a bad sign.

–Lucky 13 Saloon, Park Slope

Overheard by: Danielle

Girl, in disbelief: Your penis can shiver?!

–Lafayette & Astor

Male parks department employee on cell: Listen, Ed — you’re gonna think this is a crazy question, but I need to know what size penis you got.

–Prospect Park

Guy: Dude, I drank a shit-load, but I don’t pull my dick out of my pants in public and show it to people! Why do you do that?

–Montague St, Brooklyn Heights

Guy on cell: What?! Oh… Okay, I’ll write on your dick.

–OK Foods

What Exactly Do You Do with Your Earlobe, Anyway?

Creepster #1: Oh, man! I’m scared I’d never be able to have sex again.
Creepster #2: Naw, man, it isn’t that bad. Just make sure they pierce it in the right spot.

–9th & 6th

Wednesday One-Liners Are Only Foreskin Deep

Man to cop: I know my dick is big, but I didn’t know it was illegal.

–Yankee Stadium bathroom

Overheard by: howie ray

Guy: My penis practically has a halo right now.

–N 10th & Bedford

Australian lady: Oh, look! It’s the penis people again!

–Bodies Exhibit, South St Seaport

Girl on cell: So, wait — let me get this straight — last night you dreamed that you were coming out of the shower, looked down, and saw my head instead of your dick? … Well, was my head in the shape of a dick? … Oh, then no, that’s not weird.

–Sullivan St

Overheard by: someone needs new friends

Big black lady on cell: His penis was about as big as… Hmmm, let me see here… Probably that stop sign over there. Yeah, that looks about right.

–25th & 6th

WASP lady to friend: … And then, I mean, you save the really expensive stuff for the penis.

–89th & Madison

Overheard by: Dani

I Thought That Was Self-Pity

Asian girl: If you had a dick, do you think it would be big? I think mine would be big.
Irish girl: You’re, like, four-foot-eleven! How big could it be?
Asian girl: Oh, it would be big. What about you? Would your dick be big?
Irish girl: No.
Asian girl: But you’re tall! And you have big feet!
Irish girl: It’s the Irish curse.

–4th & 8th

Overheard by: knows what she means

Kinda the Point of a “Two Dicks in Your Face” Party

Queer: Remember last night, when you had two dicks in your face?
Black girl: Everyone last night had two dicks in their faces.

–Gold St & Maiden Ln

Overheard by: wreckingcru

Wednesday One-Liners Are a Bunch of Pricks

Man looking at reflection in door: Yeah, I got a big dick. Girl, you know I got a big dick. Gimme some of that pussy.

–6 train, 103rd St

Jewish girl: I swear to you, his dick wasn’t any bigger than this! This piece of cheesecake! You should have seen the look on my face!

–Murray Hill Diner

Chick on cell: The phalluses got soft and were pulled offstage…

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Thug: Girl, I know you miss my dick head, but I’m at the Apple Store!

–Tekserve, W 23rd & 6th

Man: It’s Yom Kippur, and I’m here looking at Ian McKellen’s penis.

–King Lear performance, Brooklyn Academy of Music

Overheard by: a little shocked at its size

I Don’t Know How to Feel about That

Guy: Alright, bye, Corinne! Nice meeting you, Jess.
Jess: He was nice. How do you know him?
Corrine: … My hand smells like penis. Does your hand smell like penis?

–Outside Bleecker Street Bakery

Overheard by: mine didn’t

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