Penis

Wednesday One-Liners Will Kick Your Ass at Beer Pong

Frat boy on cell: Next time this happens, just grab him by the penis and drag him into bed.

–Grand Central

Frat boy: I mean, STDs are nothing to worry about. There are more Pokemon than there are STDs!

–Bryant Park

Overheard by: Pikachu

Enthusiastic frat boy: Sure, sure, but back in history when there were no diseases…

–57th Street & 8th

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Frat boy on cell: If I were him, I’d tell her to get her boobs put in too, as long as she’s already under.

–Mercer & 8th

Incensed frat-type dude on cell: Dude! I didn’t fingerbang your sister in Tijuana! I’m not a snake like that. I fingerbanged her in Cancun, so it was on American soil… And you were in the next bed. Tell me you don’t remember any of this?!

–NR Train

Wednesday One-Liners Could Do With a Cuddle

30-something woman to female friend: I’m so happy to see you! I haven’t had sex in a couple of months, except for a few straight girls.

–Carroll Gardens

Smoking chick on cell: I haven’t had sex yet either…I’ll let you know.

–1020 bar, 110th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Ladle

Nilla wafer-eating chick: I don’t even understand why people have sex anymore!

–Columbia University

Guy yelling at a woman: Lady! Stop asking, I’m not having sex with you!

–34th & 6th

Guy on cell: Oh my god, do I need to say it? Fine! I promise I won’t try to put my penis in you. Okay?

–Avenue C

Overheard by: lingling

Guy on cell: That’s the thing about sex, it’s all in your head anyway.

–Union Square West

Overheard by: brita bit

Be Sure to Take Pictures for Me!

Girl, handing phone to gay Asian friend: Here, talk to John.
Gay Asian friend: Hi, John… Are you naked? [pause] What? You are naked? In this weather?! Damn, man, your thing must be as small as a peanut by now!

–Borders Bookstore, 100th & Broadway

Overheard by: Stunned and literate

Now My Ears Burn When I Pee.

NYU girl, to girl with earplugs: Ew! He put those in his ears and now they’re in yours?!
Girl with earplugs: …He put his penis in my vagina…

–4th & Astor

Overheard by: claire

Headline by: Tim Ferlito

Runners-Up:
· “Five More Orifices: Just Think Of the Possibilities!” – sim etrias
· “Granted, the Earplugs Go in Deeper…” – flippin
· “Haven’t You Heard Of Hearing AIDS?” – Constant Irritant
· “He Gives Good Aural Too.” – Rick Felice
· “Not Just His Earwax, But the Earwax Of Every Girl He’s Ever….” – Matt
· “Wax On, Whacks Off” – NJ

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Although the Contemporary Cameltoe Makes It Easier Than Ever Before

Dumb teen girl #1: So how did they “almost have sex”?
Dumb teen girl #2: Haha, she said “His dick was like -in my vagina… Except we had clothes on”.
Dumb teen girl #1: That’s called dry humping. We did that in like – seventh grade!
Dumb teen girl #2: I know.

–1 Train

Overheard by: Lasar

…Out and Find That Sticker

Guy: I hate people honking on their horns in still traffic. It never helps anyone.
Girl: Until I get a bumper sticker that says “Keep honking, it only makes my penis bigger.”
Guy: … And that’s my cue to go.

–1 Train

Why You Always See Babies Driving Sports Cars

College meathead #1: You don’t think generally the size of the person is the size of the dick?
College meathead #2: Nah, I mean how could you prove that?
College meathead #3: Dude, why do you think babies’ dicks are so small?

–Fordham University

Overheard by: sromeo

In Our Experience, It’s the Length of the Fingers in Relation to the Palm.

Party girl #1: My hands have always been the biggest of the group.
Party girl #2: Yea… So?
Party girl #1: If I had a wiener it would be huge.

–2 Train

Overheard by: Rich

He Could Sand the Side of a Boat with That Thing!

Girl #1: What the shit? They have dog lip chap?
Girl #2: That reminds me, I need to pick some up. Andy’s dick chafes my lips so bad.

–Le Chien

Overheard by: Amy Araya

I Mean, It Tasted Udderly Disgusting!

Asian girl: O-M-G, did you try the bull’s penis?! Was it big?!
Asian guy #1: Yeah, it was pretty nasty.
Asian girl, pointing to Asian guy #2: Oooh, he tried the cow’s tongue!
Asian guy #2: Uh, can we not talk about that?

–Famous Pizza, Kisseria Blvd, Flushing, Queens

Overheard by: Sajel

Headline by: KatieNB

Runners-Up:
· “Everybody Knows All the Best Asian Sex Clubs Are in Queens” – PeterG
· “Eww, He Ate the Tongue That Licked the Bull Penis That I Ate! That’s Like Hooking Up Indirectly.” – Whoscawatziz
· “Fear Factor Here = Food Network Over There” – Jimmy
· “One’s a Lifestyle Choice, the Other’s Just Sick” – Gerald Lanning
· “Penis, It’s What’s For Dinner!” – DR G LUV

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

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