Man: What’d you think?
Woman: Just another story about how guys can’t keep their golden horns in their pants.
Man: We can’t help it if our golden horns start to glow whenever we get near a vagina cave.
Woman: Don’t ever let me hear you say that again.
–Leaving IMAX Theatre After Beowulf, Lincoln Sqaure
Overheard by: The Professor
Teen girl: If you cut off a guy’s penis, how long do you think it would take for him to bleed to death?
Teen boy: Uh…
Teen girl: Hypothetically, I mean.
–Natural History Museum
Four-year-old to his mom: Do you have a penis?
Mom: No.
Four-year-old: Yes you do. I know you do. I saw it!
–Lombardi’s Pizza
Girl #1: That guy over there is so attractive… And he has a huge penis. I can tell from his fingers.
Girl #2: What?
Girl #1: Yeah, you can totally tell what a guy’s penis would look like based on their fingers. That’s how I knew it hurt when you lost your virginity before you even told me…I saw his fingers.
–1 Train
Chick: Yeh, they take one of your boobs and turn it into your penis.
Gay guy: That’s sooo weird.
–61st & Broadway
Overheard by: Wish I heard more of this one
Professor, matter of factly: In next week’s film you will see a cock. And it will ejaculate. I hope that’s okay with you all.
–Cantor Film Center, NYU
Professor: I guess I can’t trust you guys to write papers on something scandalous. Good thing I brought a pornographic film for later.
–Manhattan Campus, Pratt Institute
Overheard by: Norma Desmond
Contracts professor: So do you think Paris Hilton is a sucker?
–Brooklyn Law School
Professor to class, as he writes on board: …Moro Islamic Liberation Front, known for its acronym. [A few students get it and laugh.]
–Fordham University, Rose Hill
Overheard by: Krisztina one of the first to laugh
Professor: On this index card I’d like you all to write your name and major, as well as your career fantasies. I say career fantasies because when you graduate I’ll see you paying off your loans working at the kwik-e-mart.
–St. John’s University
Overheard by: Erum
Korean professor: Here’s how you calculate the intercept shit…
–NYU
English professor: You will find that English critical theory is the key to understanding not only literary perspectives, but also everything on YouTube.
–Fordham University
Overheard by: sromeo
Frat boy on cell: Next time this happens, just grab him by the penis and drag him into bed.
–Grand Central
Frat boy: I mean, STDs are nothing to worry about. There are more Pokemon than there are STDs!
–Bryant Park
Overheard by: Pikachu
Enthusiastic frat boy: Sure, sure, but back in history when there were no diseases…
–57th Street & 8th
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Frat boy on cell: If I were him, I’d tell her to get her boobs put in too, as long as she’s already under.
–Mercer & 8th
Incensed frat-type dude on cell: Dude! I didn’t fingerbang your sister in Tijuana! I’m not a snake like that. I fingerbanged her in Cancun, so it was on American soil… And you were in the next bed. Tell me you don’t remember any of this?!
–NR Train
30-something woman to female friend: I’m so happy to see you! I haven’t had sex in a couple of months, except for a few straight girls.
–Carroll Gardens
Smoking chick on cell: I haven’t had sex yet either…I’ll let you know.
–1020 bar, 110th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Ladle
Nilla wafer-eating chick: I don’t even understand why people have sex anymore!
–Columbia University
Guy yelling at a woman: Lady! Stop asking, I’m not having sex with you!
–34th & 6th
Guy on cell: Oh my god, do I need to say it? Fine! I promise I won’t try to put my penis in you. Okay?
–Avenue C
Overheard by: lingling
Guy on cell: That’s the thing about sex, it’s all in your head anyway.
–Union Square West
Overheard by: brita bit
Girl, handing phone to gay Asian friend: Here, talk to John.
Gay Asian friend: Hi, John… Are you naked? [pause] What? You are naked? In this weather?! Damn, man, your thing must be as small as a peanut by now!
–Borders Bookstore, 100th & Broadway
Overheard by: Stunned and literate
NYU girl, to girl with earplugs: Ew! He put those in his ears and now they’re in yours?!
Girl with earplugs: …He put his penis in my vagina…
–4th & Astor
Overheard by: claire
Headline by: Tim Ferlito
Runners-Up:
· “Five More Orifices: Just Think Of the Possibilities!” – sim etrias
· “Granted, the Earplugs Go in Deeper…” – flippin
· “Haven’t You Heard Of Hearing AIDS?” – Constant Irritant
· “He Gives Good Aural Too.” – Rick Felice
· “Not Just His Earwax, But the Earwax Of Every Girl He’s Ever….” – Matt
· “Wax On, Whacks Off” – NJ
