Students

I Bet She Had Some ‘Splaining to Do

Columbia guy: So then Caroline* decided to take all of his valuables and hide them in the back room, to make it look like he’d been robbed. When he came home he, like, *freaked out* and called 911.
Columbia chick: That’s hilarious!

–114th & Broadway

Overheard by: Ein Ladle

Headline by: Mikey G.

Runners-Up:
· “And After He Killed Her, He Pretended to Do CPR!” – JesusFreak
· “And She Didn’t Check the Psycho Box on Match.com” – digruntled internet dater
· “He Didn’t Like His Anal Rape-Themed Surprise Birthday Party Either…” – Beartram
· “I Bet the “Just Kidding Your Place Wasn’t Robbed Sex” Was Awesome, Too.” – anonmouse
· “Turns Out There’s No Spot For “Masculinity” on Insurance Claim Forms” – Jamie

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

The Muslim World Is Still Pissed at Him

Middle-aged woman: I think her name was something like… Something like Charlemagne.
Barnard girl: You mean Chante?
Middle-aged woman: I was close! I was close!
Barnard girl: Yeah, I think Charlemagne was someone completely different.

–Barnard College

Overheard by: Miss Bonaparte

You Can't Judge a Wednesday by Its One-Liner

College student: This is the best Barnes & Noble I've ever seen!

–Borders, Time Warner Center

Student: So, the author of the Tao Te Ching, Lao-low… Fuck it, we're calling him L-train.

–Eugene Lang College

Overheard by: Harker

Large woman with friends: Oh, girl, I got to tell you about this book I'm reading. It's off the hook! They're sending in this undercover agent, and I think it's his sister, but he's all getting ready to have sex with her!

–White Castle, 36th & 8th

Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster

Woman on phone: I was in Union Square, so I stopped in Barnes & Noble. (pause) Nigga, I can read!

–Union Square

Little British boy: Oh my goodness, dad, look! They have books on dating. How to Date? is probably like, "Don't take her to McDonald's!"

–Barnes & Noble

Overheard by: Laura

Tattooed artsy guy, putting hand on artsy Asian girl's shoulder: I read your book and really liked it… lotta pissing, huh?

–Mott & Prince

You Have to Have a Cleft Palate to Say It

Student #1: That’s hot.
Student #2: Did you actually just say that?
Teacher: Come on, leave her alone. She meant ‘hot’ with a ‘ph.’

–Convent of the Sacred Heart

Overheard by: hot with a ph

He Was Merely Trying to Help Them Through the Fence

College girl: So you’re a real farmer! What do you have? Cows, pigs, sheep…?
Long-haired guy in overalls: No, no — had to get rid of the sheep. They were all liars.

–D train

Overheard by: Murray

The Spiro Agnew Excuse

College girl #1: I really want to live alone, but they won’t let me move out of the dorm.
College girl #2: Tell them you have leprosy.

–F train

You Might Want to Look into Larger Pants

Student #1: I think your booty is just so bodacious it, like, breaks your pants.
Student #2: Haha, yeah…

–Kimmel Center, NYU

Look, the Chips are Red!

Columbia student #1: Would you like a free cookie from the Columbia anti-Socialist club?
Columbia student #2: Shouldn’t that be “earn a cookie”?

–Morningside Heights

Overheard by: Mary Phillips-Sandy

It's Really More Of a Paper Product

Student #1: Is lettuce a vegetable?
Student #2: No. It's a salad.

–24th St & Lexington

But Ignorance of the Law Is a Good Defense, Right?

Teacher: So, to conclude my lecture, I just want to tell you all again that this is illegal.
Student: What’s illegal?
Teacher: Have you been listening?
Student: No.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Stuck in Class

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