Stupidity

Wednesday One-Liners Make the Beast With Two Backs

Overweight hobo: The only things I look forward to in life are mayonnaise and sex!

–57th & 7th

Woman on cell: When sex turns into math, you’ve got trouble on your hands.

–Union Square

Overheard by: McFreaky

Chick, screaming into cell: What a bitch! I swear, it’s getting harder and harder to fuck your co-worker and get away without people finding out!

–JFK

Overheard by: Pixie

Realist on cell: Well you can’t expect every guy you sleep with to call you back.

–53rd & 6th

Man to female date: So, basically, you sleep with people out of hilarity?

–St Mark’s & 2nd

Overheard by: Diane

Business woman: No, I told her I’d rather have sex with my husband than buy her products. And then she hung up on me.

–Chipotle, 22nd & 6th

Simplex-Minded Decision Making

Girl: …and when he came back, it looked like he had herpes! Herpes everywhere!
Queer: And you still hit that?
Girl: Well, it looked like he did, but it was dark and I wasn’t sure.

–Spring & W Broadway

Looks Like Kirsten Dunst and Jake Gyllenhaal Are Back on Again

Girl: Am I ugly?
Boy: Animal-human hybrids should be slaughtered.
Girl: What?
Boy: Nothing, sweetie.
Girl: Oh. For a second I thought you were being mean or something.

–Roxy cafe, John St

His Parents Are Being Kind; Her Master’s Is in Business Administration

Skater dude #1: I am mad smart, yo. My parents won’t even tell me my IQ. It’s so high they’re afraid to.
Skater dude #2: I seriously doubt that, man.
Skater dude #1: No, my sister’s way smart. She’s getting her Master’s degree, and my parents told me mine was higher than hers.
Skater dude #2: Dude, she could be smart but you could totally not be. It skips a generation.
Skater dude #1: Not in my family it doesn’t.

–3rd St & 1st Ave

Overheard by: eiaboca

Opening Dialogue For the Newest Law and Order: SVU Episode

Woman #1: Oh my God, it looks just like a peach without the fur!
Woman #2: That’s called a nectarine.

–Whole Foods, 7th Ave

Overheard by: Peter Brown

And Their Sideways Pussies

Mother: See, it says these are endangered deer from China.
Tween daughter: I guess they are from China. Look at their slanty eyes!

–Bronx Zoo

Overheard by: Nina Drummond

Voted ‘Least Likely to Get an Unconscious Date After Death’

Guy #1: Yeah, I was reading this Jehovah’s Witness pamphlet this morning, and apparently they believe that only 144,000 people will get into heaven. The rest don’t go to hell; they’re just unconscious.
Guy #2: That doesn’t sound so good. You gotta think, out of the 144,000 least sinful people on Earth, most of ’em are going to be ugly. I’d rather be unconscious with the hot chicks.

–Broad St

Overheard by: anotherKnight

Wednesday One-Liners Are Still Behind

Brooklyn guy: All I’m sayin’ is it goes without sayin’.

–Brooklyn bound D train

Overheard by: Robert Barry Francos

Hoochie on cell: I don’t want that. I’m looking for sauce. Sauce sauce sauce sauce sauce! S-A-U-S-C-E. Sauce!

–Waldbaum’s, Whitestone, Queens

Overheard by: Liz the Overheardista

Teen girl: Do you think Christmas will ever be on Friday the 13th?

–Times Square

Woman in elevator: She said 13…Where’s 13? What the… fuck? There’s no 13. Should I press 12? Or 14? What?…She said 13. Well I’ll just press both.

–22nd & Broadway

Overheard by: staring at the button for 13

Elderly woman, regarding painting: Would you look at the detail he put into this. It almost looks two dimensional.

–The Met

Overheard by: s.gothman

Tween boy: Did the dinosaurs come before or after Bible times?

–Museum of Natural History

Overheard by: Omg! He did not just ask that!

Wednesday One-Liners Have Been Left Behind

Girl: This has sterile in it. I can’t buy this; I’m allergic to sterile.

–Duane Reade, 17th & 3rd

Overheard by: mk

American woman, to Arab cashier: What, you didn’t understand what I said? Man, you illiterate.

–Classon Ave, Brooklyn

Chick: I mean, I wasn’t really mentally thinking about it.

–Great Lawn, Central Park

Frat boy: Why do they call it “Steak Shack” when it doesn’t sell steaks?

–Shake Shack, Madison Sq Park

Drunk teen girl, raising her beer: Here’s to independence…and the only country that’s got it!

–Waterside Plaza

Overheard by: David Slone

Teen girl: Rebecca wanted to get brown. But brown is such a black color…Well, not that it’s black. But you know.

–D train

Overheard by: Rachel

Young guy to his girlfriend: Shut your fuckin’ mouth when you’re talking to me!

–Outside of K-mart, Astor Place

Overheard by: snap snap

Wednesday One-Liners Have a Complicated Genealogy

Man on crowded train: If my mother were here, I’d sit on her lap.

–Downtown A train

Overheard by: not his mother

Amateur anthropologist: It’s not incest unless it’s, like, your brother.

–E 72nd

Mom, to teenage son: Darling, sweetie, love of my life, I’ve accepted that you’re gay, haven’t I? And there’s a lot more that I’m willing to accept. But if there is one thing I’m not ok with, it’s flat-ironing my son’s hair. Ask your sister.

–Uptown 6 train

Woman on cell: You did what?…Why the fuck would you do that?…Yeah, I know he’s your cousin, but you didn’t have to tell him that I slept with his brother. I was going to tell him…When?…After we got married!!

–13th & University

Girl, digging through purse: Shit, I think my cousin robbed me.

–Urban Outfitters, Bleecker & Broadway

Overheard by: intern

Screaming woman: I’m not in your house; I’m in the middle of the street! Stop making fun of my grandmother!

–W 139th St, 2 a.m.

Overheard by: Isha

Girl on cell: I don’t look at him like a father; I look at him like the man who gave birth to me.

–Port Authority

Overheard by: Cat

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