Stupidity

What About the Chattanooga Choo-Choo?

Public transportation aficionada: Excuse me.
Empiricist: Yes?
Public transportation aficionada: I’m looking for Penn Station. I mean Yonkers. Which train will take me to Yonkers?
Empiricist: Ah, maybe none. Yonkers isn’t on the Island.
Public transportation aficionada: Uh-huh. We’ve been looking for a train to take us to Yonkers, but none of these go there.
Empiricist: Yeah. It’s not on the Island.
Public transportation aficionada: What about the 2 train?
Empiricist: Okay, bye.

–Outside Penn Station

Overheard by: Matt Hartwick

They’ll Be Able to Tell By the Smell

Foreign guy: No, there’s too many people on line to return.
American guy: Why don’t you put it in the drop box?
Foreign guy: I can’t do that!
American guy: Yeah, you can even leave it in the box outside.
Foreign guy: But how will they know it’s me?

–Blockbuster Videos, Chelsea

Overheard by: no one was on line for returns

Wait a Minute…Katrina!

Man: So I’ve always kind of wondered…You know how ants are so small, we’re probably too big to be completely perceived and understood by them? I always wondered if there were beings that were so large they were beyond our capabilities of perception and comprehension.
Blonde: That, like, totally doesn’t make any sense.
Man: Why not?
Blonde: ‘Cause, like, when it rained on them, then we’d get washed away. Duh.

–6 train

You Have High Denture Standards

Girlfriend: She fell off her bike and broke all her teeth, so now she has fake ones.
Boyfriend: Well, couldn’t she get white ones? I mean, were they not giving out human teeth that day?
Girlfriend, getting up and hugging him: That’s why I love you.

–Cafe Gitane, Mott & Prince

Overheard by: tea sipper

How Arrogant!

Teen girl #1: He’s so arrogant! Wait…Arrogant means stupid, right?
Teen girl #2: Yeah, it means stupid and…dumb.

–Starbucks, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Molly

She Used Paint to Color Her Blonde Hair Brown

Dumb blonde #1: Yeah, so, like, Photoshop is better for, like, for photos, and Illustrator is better for, like, illustrations, and InDesign is better for, like, designing stuff.
Dumb blonde #2: Wow, I could never be a graphics person; that’s so much software.
Dumb brunette: I could! I use Paint all the time!

–Metro-North

Forgive Her; She Went to High School in Kansas

Woman, looking at fossil: So is this like, a thing, or did someone make this up?

–Museum of Natural History

Look, It’s College. I Was Just Experimenting.

Girl #1: That was really fun. We should do it again really soon.
Girl #2: Okay, great! Like when?
Girl #1: I dunno. I was just sayin’.

–13th St

Overheard by: Jordan Green

Racism Begins at Home, Part 2

Daughter: One of my clients who is 6 years old can break dance. Like literally do handstands and drop down on his head and spin around. It’s pretty cool.
Father: Is he black?
Daughter: Half black, half white, but he looks like he is white.
Father: Oh, so he’s lightly dipped?

–5th Ave

Overheard by: Ali

Wednesday One-Liners Should Have Tried a Puppy First

Guy, watching a toddler have a meltdown on the sidewalk: Where’s Susan Smith when you need her?

–Hudson & Jane

Overheard by: jose clunie

College girl: Mom, I can’t babysit them. Mom! Listen to me! I’m sorry, I don’t like babies. I find we have very little in common.

–34th & Broadway

Lady: I don’t know if that woman ever found her baby’s head!

–King’s County civil court, Brooklyn

Overheard by: kate s

Mother to infant: I’m so glad you’re getting a personality now! You used to just sit there and bore the fuck out of me. I wasn’t sure if I was going to love you! You’re not going to remember that, are you? [to friend] Is she?

–Water St & Hanover Sq

Overheard by: zack

Guy surrounded by kids: You’re all a bunch of savages. Little savages, that’s what you are!

–151st & Broadway

Overheard by: Pants

Woman to baby in stroller: No crying! Crying is unacceptable. I don’t care how bored you are. [to clerk] Does this come in pink?

–J Crew, Tme Warner Center, Columbus Circle

Lady on cell: No, she don’t like anyone. She mean as shit…Nah…Nah…She don’t even like her own children.

–Port Authority

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