It’s All Fun and Games Until Someone Wednesday One-Liners

Girl to friend: So last night I hit myself in the eye with my broom while baking lasagna, drunk.

–Blarney Stone Pub

Suit on cell: Oh man, you should definitely ice and elevate that shit.

–AMC Lowes, 68th & Broadway

Overheard by: Jessica Segal

Man in wheelchair to woman pushing him: Remember when I hit that stroller head on and the kid passed out?

–33rd b/w 7th & 8th

Conductor on speaker: Please bring the first aid kit to car three, please bring the first aid kit to car three, a passenger has a bite.

–Train Leaving Penn Station

Teen to friend: And that’s how I got my penis stuck in a pencil sharpener.

–Stuyvesant High School

Posted on August 20, 2014
Accidents, Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Bars & Clubs, Battery Park, Body Parts, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Conductors, Disabilities, Drinking & Drunk People, Friends, Girls, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Movie Theaters, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Subway, Penis, Penn Station, Retards & Handicaps, Stuyvesant, Suits, Teens, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Violence, Weirdness

Or How about a Manchurian Restaurant Where They’re Still Fighting It Out?

Teen boy: Hey, do you know if there is a real Chinese food place around here?
Teen girl: Yeah, one that’s not Japanese?

–Sushi restaurant, 81st & York

Overheard by: j.pie

Posted on August 19, 2014
Default, Ethnic Food, Girls, Guys, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Teens

When Urban Patois Jumps the Shark

Teenage son, to his white dad: Dad, you look like a homeless person!
White mom: Yeah, you want a dollar, nigga!?

–87th & 3rd

Overheard by: Rob Dobrenski

Posted on August 18, 2014
Boys, Compare/Contrast, Dads, Homeless, Insults, Moms, Teens, Upper East Side, White People

She Has Wretched Refuse on Her Wish List

Chick: Why doesn’t anyone give monuments as gifts anymore?
Teen boy: …Ha, ha, ha!
Chick: No, you know what I mean, like the Statue of Liberty.
Teen boy: Wouldn’t it be great to blindfold someone, telling them you’ve got this great surprise for them, then take them to the Statue of Liberty, take the blindfold off and say: “It’s for you!”

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Chloe Amara

Posted on August 17, 2014
History & Geography, Manhattan, NYC Geography, Relationships, Sex & Relationships, Shopping, Stupidity, Teens, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center

Wednesday One-Liners for Hezbollah

Officer to old lady: Hey, don't leave you bag on the floor, there are terrorist everywhere.

–45th St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: StriderNo9

Suit on cell: So you're gonna vote for a Muslim and a terrorist?

–MoMA

Hipster to friend: Yeah, terrorists totally love Bush.

–46th and 9th

Overheard by: choosing not to capitalize the B

Tourist: Are you guys terrorists?

–Rally for Gaza, 42nd & 7th

Overheard by: ooga booga

Loud black queer teen: But his best joke was like "What do you call people who hate ketchup?" (no response) "Al-Qaeda!" (bursts out laughing) Get it? It's funny because they don't have ketchup in Iraq!

–1 Train

Overheard by: Ketchup lover

Posted on August 17, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Cops, Friends, Hipsters, Iraq, Junk Food & Fast Food, Laughter, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, MoMA, Old People, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Parades & Festitivites, Paranoia, President, Queers, Questions, Street, Stupidity, Suits, Teens, Terrorism, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

You Could Do That Now–It Would Just Be Yucky

Teenage girl #1: But what if humans could lay eggs too?
Teenage girl #2: That’s disgusting! I wouldn’t want to eat your eggs!
Teenage girl #3: You know, then you could always survive. Even if you were trapped on an island. You could just eat your own eggs!
Teenage girl #1: Yes. But, only once a month.

–East Houston St

Posted on August 15, 2014
Animals & Nature, Default, Food, Girls, Lower East Side, Questions, Teens

Darth Vickie

Mother: What’s the death stare for?
Pouty teen girl: I’m waiting for someone to piss me off so I can intimidate them.

–46th & 6th

Posted on August 15, 2014
Fighting and ass kicking, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Teens

Show Me the Wednesday One-Liners!

Angry teen on cell: I'm not gonna pay 18 dollars for a wedgie!

–Lingerie Department, Macy's

Overheard by: me neither

Girl on cell: I don't have a problem with camping, but why do they have to give me a sleeping bag? Can't they give me linens? It's not like I'm not giving them an insignificant amount of money.

–W Broadway & Grand

Suit on cell: At first I was only making $30,000 a year, but last year I got shot in the foot, and then I got a $1,000 bonus, so now I'm making $32,000 a year. Shit!

–F Train

Overheard by: Brittany Smith

Loud woman on cell: I like and don't mind fucking you, but I need to get paid. I'm unemployed right now.

–108th & Broadway

Elevator operator for observatory, upon leaving: Please come again! We want your money.

–Empire State Building

Old guy in dark suit to young guy in dark suit: You're not embezzling money!

–48th & 8th

Posted on August 13, 2014
9 to 5-ers, All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Customers, Girls, Guys, Harassment, Holidays, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, Old People, On Cell, On the Subway, Prostitution, Questions, Sex, Shoot, Soho, Store, Street, Suits, Teens, Thievery, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

When Did My Geneology Become an LSAT Logic Question?

Teenage boy: You and your twelve moms!
Teenage girl: I only have five!
Teenage boy: I was counting your dads too.
Teenage girl: I only have two of them. That's only seven parents.

–Lower Manhattan

Posted on August 13, 2014
Parents, Street, Teens, Weirdness

See, He's Got the Cane, But No Cheetah Hat

(elderly gentleman in a brown suit with matching fedora walks by)
Ghetto #14 year-old-girl (screaming): Oh my god! It's a pimp! He's a fucking pimp!
Ghetto #14 year-old boy: Nah, he ain't a pimp. He can't be–he's like 90…and he's white.

–Under Broadway Stop, Astoria

Overheard by: well, it aint easy

Posted on August 11, 2014
Age/Aging, Astoria, Compare/Contrast, Default, Ghetto Chicks, Jobs & Careers, Prostitution, Race, Teens, Thugs

Teens

Show Me the Wednesday One-Liners!