Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners Tie the Knot

Guy: I have to sleep with her before she gets married.

–9th St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Alison R.

Girl on cell: It’s marriage, not racism.

–Whole Foods, Union Square

Overheard by: Phe

Woman on cell: I want the wedding without the husband. No, really, I want to wear the dress and have a party all about me.

–Bergdorf Goodman

Dude on cell: So she said, “Don’t you want to marry me?” and I was like [shrugging], “Why the fuck not?”

–Central Park, southwest entrance

Girl on cell: I can’t believe you can’t spend three hours to come to my wedding so you can study for the bar exam. I’m your sister! And this is my first wedding, so it’s really important to me.

–N train

Man: If I had known how much work marriage was gonna be, I would’ve said, “Fuck the cow. Give me the milk for free.”

–31st & Ditmars, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Shannon

Supportive friend: Well, they’re past the murder-suicide part of their marriage, so that’s good.

–6th St, between 1st & 2nd

Wednesday One-Liners Teach Their Children Well

Mother, to little girl: Hold on to the pole, honey, but keep your tongue away from it. It’s filthy!

–Downtown 2/3 train

Overheard by: Chad

Father, to five-year-old son: No, Jake, don’t eat the watch…Time flies, but it doesn’t taste good.

–Metro-North train

Overheard by: derkach

Mother, to little girl in line for security X-ray machine: Take your muffin outta the box. If it goes through the machine, it’ll give you radiation.

–LaGuardia Airport

Overheard by: Reluctant Traveler

Father, to crying son: Yeah yeah, life’s a disappointment.

–78th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: someone who agrees

Tourist mom, to kids: Walk or die! Walk or die! Walk or die!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Scott

Old white lady, to little Hispanic girl: You’re always tan…Everyone wants to be tan.

–Queens bound E train

Overheard by: Julz

Wednesday One-Liners Are Potty Trained

Girl on cell: What? What do you mean? What do you mean your audition is gonna be in a bathroom?

–42nd and 10th

Overheard by: dk

Hurrying lady: …and a urinal cake is worth fifteen points.

–43rd & 8th

Overheard by: Casper

Gay usher, loudly: Sex just isn’t the same when you’re constipated.

–Daryl Roth Theatre, Union Square

Hipster girl: So I just said to him, “Bye, I have to go now. I have diarrhea!”…Diarrhea is like the anti-aphrodisiac.

–Brooklyn bound F train

Woman on cell: Did you just say that you had a dream where Gene Wilder peed in your closet? Like, Willy Wonka, pissing on your clothes? Okay, I just wanted to make sure I heard correctly.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: baffled

Dude: Nah, I wouldn’t piss on someone if I didn’t know them.

–Bar, Queens

Man, to woman having trouble with the bathroom door: Oh come on, you fucking cunt, work the damn door. Big fucking place like this, they got only one bathroom, I am fucking pissing on the floor. I will piss on the damn floor. That’s my fucking right as an American. I’m a patriot. Patriot, that’s an adverb. An action adverb. Mrs. Riegell told me in third grade if you have a syllable you’ve got an adverb, and I got a damn syllable, so damnit, I’m pissing on the fucking floor.

–Virgin Megastore, Union Square

Wednesday One-Liners Aced Anatomy 101

Mother, to little boy: No, you cannot smell my armpit!

–Keyspan Park, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Jesse

Doctor on cell: Look, having knees doesn’t make you special.

–Oustide New York Presbyterian Hospital

Ghetto chick: When she’s asleep, I’m gonna squat on her brain.

–16th between 7th & 8th

Overheard by: alyssa

Father of little girl who has just hit her head: Did your brain fall out?

–Chili’s, Staten Island

Overheard by: Ada and Andi

Chick: His teeth are really straight. But that’s because he was home-schooled.

–Baskin Robbins, 23rd & 8th

Guy: Every time a girl sees my teeth, she’s like, “Naaah.” I’m gonna get this whole shit redone, where they take them all out and replace the whole thing. It costs like $20,000…Only thing is you have to go two months without any teeth.

–29th St & 33rd Ave, Astoria

Middle-aged man, to college girl in skirt: Excuse me, miss, you have very nice legs. Have you ever thought about doing voice-overs?

–31st & 6th

Overheard by: plo

Teenage boy: Who wants to play guess which body part am I fidgeting?

–North Gannon & Bradley, Staten Island

Overheard by: Shamrocknroll

Wednesday One-Liners Don’t Have a Leg to Stand on

Mom, to two small children: I think it is better to be born with no legs than to be born with two and have them taken away.

–11th St & 8th Ave

Laundromat owner: She think she know everything! If he love her so much, why’d he go get that other girl pregnant two months after she lost her leg?! He should be giving her a baby!

–Laundromat, Bed-Stuy

Overheard by: Suparna

Wednesday One-Liners Aren’t Afraid of Any 666

Old guy on cell: I don’t know, thinking about going to the movies. Maybe I’ll see The Devil in Miss Prada.

–Mcburney YMCA, W 14th St

Girl: Yeah I sold my soul to the devil. I was like, “Hey, devil, can I sell you my soul?” And he was like, “Okay.”

–Stuyvesant High School

Overheard by: Natasha

Queer: And, futhermore, we all know that the Devil does not wear Prada. He wears flame-retardant knock-offs from Target.

–Chelsea

Wednesday One-Liners’ Excrement Adventure

Old man, to man who has just sneezed on him: Fuck you, you shithead! Ya goddamn farthole!

–44th & 8th

Overheard by: Jeremy Tortora

Crazy guy: And I’m just gonna take a shit in his fucking mouth.

–9th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Zak Santucci

Old man, to dog: Shit already, damnit! Do you hear me?! Shit already!

–51st & 8th

Wednesday One-Liners Are Off Their Meds

Thug girl: Yeah, tell that bitch I’m crazy. I’m mad crazy, not that crazy on the train shit. I’m crazy goin’ ta’ jail shit.

–JHS 218, Brooklyn

Overheard by: jeff lebowski

Woman: But he’s so funny when he’s not having seizures.

–Delancey & Essex

Overheard by: Evan

Wednesday One-Liners Have a Combined IQ of Forty Eight

Girl: He took me to a Japanese restaurant. I got the chicken karaoke.

–78th & Broadway

Overheard by: E HAGEN

20-Something girl: So, is Alabama in Kentucky?

–27th & 1st

Overheard by: interlard

Early-20’s woman: The Himalayas aren’t a real place. They’re like Narnia.

–1st & 1st

Ghetto girl: In British Whose Line Is It Anyway?, do they speak English?

–75th St

Wednesday One-Liners Do It Standing Up to Be Safe

Guy on cell: My doctor told me if you piss right after sex, you can’t get STDs…Yeah, I do it all the time.

–Suffolk & Rivington

Overheard by: John

Loud teen girl: Wait, you had a dream that you had AIDS? That I had AIDS? Fuck you, man.

–Brighton Beach, Brooklyn

Chick on cell: I know it’s sick, but I’m so excited that I can have unsafe sex now!

–23rd Street & Broadway

Overheard by: Becka Dash

Concerned citizen: Excuse me, I don’t know if this is a trans-generational or New York metropolitan faux pas, but you should really tell your friend, girlfriend, lady friend or whatever that one in every four persons in America has herpes.

–sushi restaurant, 1st Ave

Overheard by: Caitlyn

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