Weirdness

Hey, the One Thing Gays and Straights Agree on Is Julie Andrews

Guy #1: So there I was, screwing my pillow in my sleep… Ya know, really bouncing the bed.
Guy #2: So… What? She didn’t like that?
Guy #1: Well, ya know, she woke me up and asked if I was alright. Ya know. I mean I was laying there with a boner you could break rocks with and all confused. That’s when I said “Where’s Julie?”
Guy #2: That’s freakin’ messed up, man!”
Guy #1: Yeah. Crap… That being her sister’s name and all.
Guy #2: I’m going to laugh my ass off over this. Did you tell her it was Julie Andrews?
Guy #1: Fuck! I didn’t want her to think I was a pervert or something.

–NYU

I Was on a Lot of Drugs in Grade School

Customer to punk teenage girl behind counter: I’d like a dozen rolls, please.
Punk teenage girl: A dozen… What’s that, like twenty?

–Delicatessen, Park Place

That’s the Only Proof You Ever Had Sex?

Creepy guy: I was in Japan and went on this rampage and slept with this woman who was 38 and had a kid and was married. Her husband had a bad back and couldn’t have sex with her, but he was fully aware I was sleeping with her. I was kind of doing him a favor.
Creepy guy’s date: Did he watch?
Creepy guy: No, but he wanted us to videotape it. So somewhere in Japan there’s a video of me doing it with an older woman.

–Park Slope

..now give me a kiss

Girl: Oh my god, I have to go the bathroom again.
Boy: I think you have a problem: you pee a lot.
Girl: Actually, I don’t pee. I have a thing for public restrooms. I like to lick the toilet seat.
Boy: That’s the last time I share a drink with you!

–Ludlow & Houston

Plus, He’s Slightly More Company Than a Dildo

Guy: So she doesn’t even like him?
Girl: No.
Guy: Well then, why does she stay with him?
Girl: I asked her that too. She said “He’s got a twelve inch cock and he doesn’t hit me. I’m stayin’!”

–Rivington & Allen

Overheard by: Jonathan

Yeah, My Long-Term Goal Is a Solid-Gold Shroud

Daughter: This is a really nice dress for my first wedding, no?
Mother: Well, for the next one you will have more money, so you can get something even nicer.

–77th & Madison

Your Editors Hope a Knowledgeable Reader Will Explain This to Us

Bald construction guy: Dude, if you fell down while she was going down on you, I probably would have peed all over her. (swinging motion with hand at crotch area) Oooohhhh.
Suit: Oh my god, if you did that I would have started peeing on her too.

–Pizza Wagon, 86th Street

Overheard by: Trying to Enjoy my Lunch over here

Hey, Wednesday One-Liners Can Dream, Can’t They?

Old man: Hah! I fell asleep at her funeral!

–3rd Ave, b/w 10th & 11th

Overheard by: j

Man to woman: Hey you! You were in my dream last night. You, myself and a bunch of people in the office were having an orgy on a mattress right in front of our office. At first it was great, but then it became awkward because people kept walking into the office and we got in their way.

–34th St & 6th Ave

Man with French accent on cell: Do we have room for her, or will she have to sleep in the dungeon?

–32nd & Broadway

Overheard by: LC

(guy is woken up by a friend after falling asleep on the train)
Guy: You dude, why you wake me up! I was having the best dream. There was shorties everywhere. There was shorties in trees and shit!

–2 Train

Conductor: For all of you running late, we are being delayed by another train with the emergency break on. Or you could tell ’em you just slept in today.

–D Train

Overheard by: blistexaddict

“You’re Gonna Like the Way You Wednesday One-Liner. I Guarantee It.”

Suit on cell, running: Oh shit! Oh shit! I told you! The monks are after me!

–Central Park

Overheard by: walking with bagel

Midtown suit: I’m the fucking Vice President. I shouldn’t have to crawl under my desk four times a day.

–Passing MSG

Overheard by: coasts

Suit on cell: I don’t really know… No, I definitely don’t remember his name. I was kind of drunk.

–48th & Lex

Suit: Well, they had voices then.

–Outside Sardi’s

Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster

Suit on cell: No, I told you to sell, sell, sell! This is important! Listen to me! Wait! Hold on, I have someone important on the other line. (takes out some chapstick, takes his time to smear his lips with it, then gets back to phone) So, where was I..?

–N Train, Queens

Overheard by: Zazaplaza

More Than Just a Wednesday One-Liner

Roommate #1: I gotta get out of this stupid city!
Roommate #2: Why, man?
Roommate #1: Man, I gotta get out of this stupid… This stupid state!
Roommate #2: Why?
Roommate #1: I hate this city! I hate everything on the East Coast! Everyone here is so stupid! They do stupid things like… They have stupid days like… Like Wednesdays!

–Park Slope

Overheard by: nooners knows that las vegas doesn’t have wednesdays

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