Six Wednesday One-Liners Under

Girl on phone: Did he actually try to kill you, or is this like the time at the supermarket when you thought the cashier was coming onto you because he touched your hand giving you change?

–Time Square

HR person: I don't want to whack her until I have to. But I probably will.

–Broadway

Little boy to mom: Mommy, what does it feel like to die?

–7th & Carroll, Park Slope

Well-dressed man on cell: I know, we need to make sure that none of them live.

–8th St & Broadway

Seven-year-old girl to mom, after being scolded: I'm going to kill you.

–4 Train

Long Island woman: Well, sure, it's a great place if you want to be raped and murdered every day.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Cori

Posted on May 23, 2018
All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Clerks, Death, Girls, Kids, Men, Moms, Money & Class, Murder, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Paranoia, Parents, Park Slope, Punch, Questions, Rape, Sensory Experiences, Should've Used a Condom, Street, The Village, Threats, Times Square, Trains Not Subway, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

But I've Viewed Her Facebook Profile Over 100 Times

Guy #1: I think I might be in love with her.
Guy #2: Really?
Guy #1: It's just I don't know if she loves me,
Guy #2: What'd she say?
Guy #1: Oh, I haven't spoken to her yet.

–82nd & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Hadley

Posted on May 21, 2018
Guys, Love, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Weirdness

Right Between My Broccoli Florets

Girl #1, smoking: She was such a lesbian. She made vegetable lasagna. Vegetable lasagna!
Girl #2, in disbelief: Wait–so her culinary choices dictate her sexuality?
Girl #1: Well, then she fingered me.

–Zombie Hut, Smith St

Overheard by: double d

Posted on May 17, 2018
Brooklyn, Food, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Restaurants & Cafes, Sex, Weirdness

Wine and Wednesday One-Liners

Female college student on cell: Sorry, there was an incident. She was eating string cheese, and I told her she looked like a walrus. So she tried to smack me in the face but she couldn't, and I ran into the bathroom. So she tried to hit me with the string cheese, but I was like your string cheese will get all fuzzy. So she smacked me in the face with the cheese.

–Penn Station

Girl on phone: And then I stuck a string cheese in the microwave. Yeah, in the wrapper.

–57th & 7th

Sexy guy, looking at orchestra program description of movement "con brio": Does that mean "with cheese"?

–Camerata Notturna Concert, W. 57th St

Overheard by: Ladle

Older European woman to another: She's fine with the reference to cheese. I mean, she can eat cheese, just not the real kind.

–Union Square

Hipster: So she writes everything down in her cheese diary…

–Bedford & 4th

Posted on May 16, 2018
All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Apologies, Books & Writing, Compare/Contrast, Eurotrash, Food, Gadgets, Girls, Guys, Hipsters, Language Barrier, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Old People, On Cell, One-liners, Penn Station, Questions, Street, Students, The Village, Union Square and East Village, Violence, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Words

Which Is Four Million Times More Awesome

Pillow fighting girl to pillow fighting guy: Oh my gosh! Is that blood on your pillow?
Pillow fighting guy: No, I think I just hit a clown.

–NYC Pillow Fight 2009, Wall Street

Overheard by: Glory

Posted on May 15, 2018
Blood & bleeding, Fighting and ass kicking, Girls, Guys, Parades & Festitivites, Questions, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Weirdness

And Technically I Think She Outsources to the Maid

Girl #1: Oh my god! I can't believe my mom only got a B+ on my history paper.
Girl #2: Well, I can't believe your mom does your schoolwork and writes your papers for you. Don't you ever feel guilty?
Girl #1: Umm…no. Since she's, like, paying for my college and stuff, then it's only fair that she gets to do the work.

–SoHo

Posted on May 11, 2018
Fakes, Girls, Money & Class, Parents, Questions, School and studying, Soho, Weirdness

What What (In the Wednesday One-Liners)

Drunk-looking girl on cell: … And I just received a postcard of butts! Things are looking up!

–Port Authority

Overheard by: Ladle

Angry soccer mom: Whoever has his or her hand on my ass, you better be one of my kids.

–Staten Island Ferry

Chick on cell: Ew! Ass striations?

–1 Train

Overheard by: Ladle

College girl: I slept at Steve’s dorm. Needless to say, my ass cleared every surface he had in that room. Twice.

–Downtown B Train

Overheard by: Pola

Tall guy on cell: Listen, if you want a white woman to show you her ass all you gotta do is pull out a camera. They drop their panties in a second, at least that’s what I tell the committee.

–Starbucks, Columbus Circle

Conductor over loudspeaker: Aaaand next stop… Yo’ mama’s ass!

–F Train from Queens

Overheard by: Tina K

Posted on May 11, 2018
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Cleanliness, Drunks, Gifts, Girls, Guys, Happiness, Kids, Moms, Nudity, On Cell, On the Subway, Physical appearance, Pictures, Port Authority, Public Transportation, Race, Sexuality, Sorority Girls, Starbucks, Staten Island Ferry, Subway conductors, Threats, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Weirdness

Unless It's Stir Fry.

Stranger #1: Now we're movin'! Now we be cookin' with grease!
Stranger #2: What kind? Saturated or unsaturated?
Stranger #1: The kind where you just drop somebody in and fry their ass.
Stranger #2: Oh, I'm not into cannibalism.

–Line, Credit Union, 9th & 31st

Overheard by: bored in a bank

Posted on May 7, 2018
Ass, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Food, Questions, Strangers, Weirdness

Wednesday One-Liners Better Not End Up on the Internet

30-something on cell: Mom, he came over and took a picture of my toilet!

–Spring & Greene

20-something chick: First of all, who poses bare-ass naked on a car in a Wal-Mart parking lot? Secondly, who bleaches their asshole? Third, who takes a picture of it and e-mails it to all their friends?!

–113th, between Broadway & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Ladle

Queer: He photographs really poorly. That’s a big problem for me…

–Starbucks, Washington Square

Overheard by: jess

Woman to friend: You know, just because I work with her doesn’t mean I have to look at photos of her placenta.

–34th & 3rd

Overheard by: X. L. Percy

Posted on April 27, 2018
Asshole, Body Parts, Default, Friends, Girls, Internet, Jobs & Careers, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Nudity, On Cell, Pictures, Porn, Queer guys, Questions, Soho, Starbucks, Street, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Washington Square Park, Weirdness, Women

It Still Beats Unemployment, Though

Girl: My job is terrible.
Guy: Gimme a break, my job is so bad I wanna kill anyone who even looks at me…and half of the people who don't.
Girl: Okay, you win.

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Dustin

Posted on April 26, 2018
Compare/Contrast, Girls, Guys, Jobs & Careers, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murder, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Weirdness