Guy: I have to be careful about my bag; yesterday I put it down and then stepped to the side and some woman started yelling at me, saying, “You know, it’s 2005 now, I have no problem taking that bag and throwing it off the train.” And I was like, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” and she said, “I’m not, I’m protecting myself and the rest of the passengers.”
Woman: The terror alert has been elevated to Birkin.
–Times Square shuttle
Tour guide: Now what does it look like to you? Does it look very European, very Greek?
Woman: It looks like a poo.
–Aztec exhibit, Guggenheim Museum
Woman: So where should I move to?
Man: Ethiopia.
Woman: Nah. They always have famines there.
–Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Greg
British chick: I just solved my lunch problem, because I hate raw cheese.
–27th Street office
Guy: Bitch, you better give me back my donuts or I’ll pull out your weave.
–Washington Heights
Overheard by: Vinson Guthreau
Guy: Nothing like going to Chuck E. Cheese to make you start drinking again.
–82nd & Amsterdam
Overheard by: JY
Lady: This is a yuppie McDonald’s. It’s all middle class people here.
–McDonald’s, 47th Street
Overheard by: Christa Bramberger
As a Brooklyn Brewery delivery truck passed a toddler on the sidewalk yelled: I love beer!
–Williamsburg
Overheard by: tee sul
Bartender: If the Burp Castle ever closes it means the death of classical music in New York.
–Burp Castle bar, E. 7th Street
Guy on cell: Is this like that time where Laura told me that cat food was Lucky Charms?
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Cynthia
Man: …and he might give us that cat he was talking about.
Wife: We are not getting a cat.
Man: But you’d love this cat! It has such a great personality!
Wife: Alan, stop the sales pitch, we’re not getting a cat, we’re not getting a dog–
Man: This cat even looks a little like you, it’s got your complexion and everything!
Wife: I thought you said it was a Jewish cat! I thought you said it was a Jewish cat!
–Port Authority
Two brothers, ages 8 and 10, sit on the 6 train. Across from them sit their mother and their aunt. The older boy stands, letting his brother continue to sit, next to a pole. A largish older lady wedges herself in next to the young boy, pushing him into the pole.
Mother: Lady, you can’t sit there, you’re crushing him!
Lady: I’m old enough to sit, he’s young enough to stand.
Mother: You’re crushing him!
Lady: He has plenty of room.
Younger brother: Get the hell off!
Lady: I’m old enough to be your grandmother.
Younger brother: You’re not my grandmother.
Mother: Thank God.
Aunt: Thank God.
Younger brother: Get off me, you big fat lady!
Mother: Stop that, be quiet. Get over here.
He moves to her lap.
Younger brother: You’re not my grandmother.
Older brother: Would everybody shut up? Don’t fight on the train!
Lady’s husband: Stop it. Stop talking to them.
Lady: I’m telling you to close your mouth.
Older brother: Everybody stop!
Mother: We’re getting off here.
Aunt: Thank God.
Lady: Thank God.
The family hustles out of the train. The rest of the passengers laugh as quietly as possible.
–6 train
Woman: When Denzel comes on stage, I’m going to throw my panties up there.
–Belasco Theater, W. 44th Street
Overheard by: Julia Caesar
Businesschick on cell: Awww yeah…guess who doesn’t have work today?….Awww yeah, people trying to blow up my building and shit…I think I just saw a tank driving down my street…Wait, I gotta roll, some weird number is popping up on my cellie.
–51st & 3rd
Woman: Every time I date Greek men I get fat…Every single time!
–South Cove, Battery Park City
Guy on cell: I know man, sometimes I wish you were her husband instead of me.
–Starbucks, Union Square West
Overheard by: alison
Chick on cell: …so I said, “Stop calling me. It was a one night stand.”
–F train
Black queer: So who is this guy, anyway? Has anybody even met this guy you say you’re dating? Or is he like that “Bob” guy you put in your car so you can drive in the H.O.V. lane?
–Times Square
Guy: She has…two one-eyed cats. She’s never getting engaged.
–Madison Square Park
Woman #1: I’m talking about beggars who ask for money, say they have AIDS, and will spit on you.
Woman #2: That’s not really begging anymore, now is it?
Woman #1: No…that’s called Free Enterprise.
–70th & 2nd
Overheard by: nita
