Advice

Wednesday One-Liners: Unfiltered.

Chick on cell, not visibly pregnant: I'm having a c-section and a cigarette.

–Simply Natural, 43rd & 10th

Overheard by: Pleased

Recurrent drunkard to bar: I'm not a smoker! I'm a libertarian, for fuck's sake!

–Peter McMannus Pub

LIRR conductor: There will be no pugilism on this train. Additionally, tonight marks the first night of Kwanzaa, and in the spirit of Kwanzaa, I ask you to not smoke on this train. This is the final warning: if you are smoking, you will be ejected at the next convenient stop. Also, no throwing up is allowed on the train. The two places where you may throw up are in the conveniently-located bathrooms, or on yourselves. Again, merry Kwanzaa.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Jenna K

NYU girl: Do you have a cigarette to ease my cough?

–Waverly & Mercer

Chick: Mad Men is like porn for smokers.

–172nd St & Broadway

Overheard by: Ladle

Ultralubricated Wednesday One-Liners with a Reservoir Tip

Curly-haired chick: Your condom consumption should not intimidate people.

–Morningside Heights

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Woman: He bought a car? With seven grand you buy condoms… or a house. But a car?

–6 train

Overheard by: Sabrina

Girl on cell: So I’m just at the pharmacy picking up a prescription… [Lowers voice] You know, my pills… What? My pills! You know, those pills I take so that I don’t get pregnant when your dumb ass busts inside me!

–Duane Reade, 34th & Park

Overheard by: Laughing my dumb ass off

Perky girl to friend: Yeah, and then he said, ‘What the heck?’ and flung the condom across the room.

–Astor Pl

20-ish chick: The ribs do nothing for me, but I buy ‘Her pleasure’ condoms for political reasons.

–Williamsburg

Overheard by: Ursula & Winifred

Young girl, panicky: Do you know where I can find the morning-after pill?!

–CVS

Tonight's Movie: Big Trouble in Little Italy

Girl: Hang on… (bends over to tie shoe in middle of crowd)
Appalled mother: Don't do that! This is New York. You could get pregnant!

–Mulberry & Hester, Little Italy

Overheard by: Mark

Sir, You Have the Right to Remain Moribund

Old woman to cop, looking down at man on sidewalk: Is he dead?
Cop: Yes, ma’am, I’m afraid he is.
Old woman: Good. Arrest him.

–Forest Hills, Queens

Overheard by: Wondering what this woman does at funerals

Your Wednesday Has Turned on the “One-Liners” Sign

Male flight attendant: Ladies and gentlemen, JetBlue welcomes you to the city which all other cities are reflections of… welcome to New York.

–JFK

Overheard by: SJK

Pilot over loudspeaker: Alright folks, get into your seats quickly. You don't have to love the person next to you and this ain't a furniture store.

–JFK

Overheard by: Allie

Witty flight attendant: And in case that you have not been in a car since 1962, I will now demonstrate how seatbelts work.

–JFK

Flaming flight attendant: In the event of a sudden change in cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop down in front of you. If this should occur, you may scream, then place the mask over your mouth and nose…

–JFK

JetBlue pilot: I hope you all enjoyed the flight. If you have any questions, please e-mail them to the Continental Airlines e-mail. Thank you for flying JetBlue.

–JFK

Overheard by: lonely passenger

That’s a Horrible Thing to Call Her

Queer #1: I should have known you had that one.
Queer #2: Yeah, I mean, I have every Barbra Streisand recording ever.
Queer #1: I shouldn’t have gotten that for you; it was such a stupid gift.
Queer #2: No, I’ll just sell the old one on eBay.

–1 train

Overheard by: Fatty McFingers

Wednesday One-Liners Lick Themselves with Noisy Enthusiasm

Man walking dog: Yo, take a shit right here.

–Houston & Mangin

Overheard by: How about a little to the left?

Woman to her gang-banging pug dog: Everyone can have love together!

–Prospect Park

Overheard by: riana

Man to Yorkie, tugging at leash outside porn shop: You don’t want to go in there. Nothing you could use in there… Hmmm, except maybe the rubber goods.

–28th & 8th

Overheard by: Chuckell

Upset man to black lab walking sheepishly beside him: They didn’t want you in there because you’re black, and they should have the guts to say so! We should go back to that fucking place and burn it down! [Pats pooch on head.] Good girl. You’re a good girl. [They start walking away again, and man mutters to himself] Motherfuckers.

–W 4th St

First Action Item: Learn to Act Like a Man

Suit #1: I think we need to sit down with Yolanda, Minetta, Julie […] and tell them, “Look, what happened yesterday can’t happen again. We need to learn more about dispatch. It’s time we had this meeting.”
Suit #2: It’s too late for a meeting.
Suit #1: Right, no, that’s what I’m saying. We don’t need a meeting, we need action.

–N train

Mind the Gap (Stand Clear of the Closing Doors)

Chick #1: I went back on birth control this month. I’m using the Ring, except I don’t know if I’m using it right. I don’t want to take it out every time we have sex.
Chick #2: Wait, you shouldn’t have to take it out during sex.
Chick #1: That’s what I thought. Except, maybe I’m using it wrong, but I had sex and then afterward we couldn’t find it.
Chick #2: It can’t get lost up there!
Chick #1: It went so far up my cooter. And I swear I must have put my whole fist in there to fish it out.
Chick #2: There’s nowhere for it to go! It can’t get past your cervix.
Chick #1: How far up is my cervix?
Chick #2: Well, depends how long your vagina is. I think everyone’s is different. Maybe you have, like, a subway tunnel in there.

–Bleecker Playground

Overheard by: LMF

Teenage Girls: Unfiltered.

Guy: Don't smoke a cigarette. Seriously, put that out. You shouldn't be smoking! It says so right on the pack!
Drunk friend: Shut up! I want a cheaper abortion!

–Bleecker & McDougal

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