Advice

Wednesday One-Liners Could Use a Fig Leaf

Girl: I’m almost too comfortable with old-people nudity.

–Battery Park

Overheard by: hannah

Middle-Aged woman: Oh my God, you should have been there to see my husband naked-bodysurfing.

–Thompson & Spring

Man on cell: Yeah… I’m just calling to let you know the Naked Cowboy called in sick today because of the rain. Yeah, I’m going to take his place. I just wanted to let you know. OK. Bye.

–48th & 2nd

Young woman: There’s the Naked Cowgirl. She’s not all that. She’s not even that pretty!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Derek Powazek

Girl: It’s not like when a guy sees you naked, he’s gonna be like, “Yo, I wish you were more muscular.”

–College Walk, Columbia University

Girl on cell: Because grown sisters naked in a room together is weird!

–L train, Metropolitan Ave

Overheard by: Must be weird

Woman on cell: Naked on the couch?… God, I don’t blame you.

–3rd & A

Overheard by: Kira

No, Vermouth! Isn’t That What Makes Martinis Dry?

Coed #1, pointing at huge stain on her shirt: It’s coffee. I used water to rub it off, but the water made it all wet!
Coed #2: You should have used club soda!

–New School, 13th & 5th

Would Someone Please Consult a Hipster to Determine Whether This Is Ironic?

Yuppie woman #1: I just couldn’t believe it. Just because I give my child everything he wants and asks for, she has the nerve to tell me that I’m giving my son a sense of entitlement.
Yuppie woman #2: I can’t believe she said that.
Yuppie woman #1: Yeah. The nerve!

–Downtown 2 train, Fulton St

For Occasional Irregularity, Take These Wednesday One-Liners

Girl: I can’t go to the bathroom, I can’t eat grapes, I… I’ll be in a bubble!

–Brooklyn bound F train

Hipster girl, emerging from Port-a-Potty: Hey, guys, you have to feel this toilet paper! It’s like silk!… I know, I’m a weirdo.

–Great Lawn, Central Park

Overheard by: Roz

Suit: I swear to God, it came out sideways. It hurt coming out, then I got up and looked at it, and it was floating sideways.

–Manhattan bound J train

Overheard by: Barry P.

Voice from bathroom stall: Yes!

–Women’s bathroom, Hunter College

Overheard by: acep

Girl, to friend washing her hands: Come on, let’s just go. There are more germs on the sink than on the toilet.

–Restroom, Grand Central Station

Woman, walking out of stall: Left you something!

–Restroom, Yankee Stadium

Overheard by: alan b hutscar

Guy: When I clenched my jaw really hard while I was trying to poop, I think I chipped a tooth.

–14th & 3rd

Can I Have Some of Your Popcorn?

Father, to son washing hands after peeing: Come on, son. Don’t waste water.

–Universal Artists Theater, Staten Island

Overheard by: David

Nobody Makes You Vomit but Me!

Doctor: What do you mean you vomited? When did you find the time to vomit? I don’t care if you’re in California, get on a plane back here! What do you mean, you vomited? How could you?!

–Lenox Hill Hospital

Overheard by: mademoisellezoo

That Is to Say, I Will Cling Tightly to Your Secret

Girl #1: I mean, don’t tell him I told you that. You can’t tell him I said anything, or he will flip his shit.
Girl #2: It’s Vagina Night!

–Rivington & Orchard

They’ll Be Able to Tell By the Smell

Foreign guy: No, there’s too many people on line to return.
American guy: Why don’t you put it in the drop box?
Foreign guy: I can’t do that!
American guy: Yeah, you can even leave it in the box outside.
Foreign guy: But how will they know it’s me?

–Blockbuster Videos, Chelsea

Overheard by: no one was on line for returns

Portrait of the Social Worker as a Young Girl

Girl #1: Dammit, they’re putting one of the wheelchair people on the bus!
Girl #2: Fuck, man…You know, they should just put a handle on the back of the bus.
Girl #1: Yeah, that could be fun for them!

–M12 bus

Sadly, She Was Unable to Chalk ‘Goldberg’ Off of Her ID

Girl on cell: Yeah, I’m at the Diesel party. Everything’s free. Just come and say you’re one of the Chapin sisters; they never showed up…What you mean? Just go to the door guy and say, “Hi, I’m one of the Chapin sisters.”…I don’t know their first names! Just say you’re a Chapin sister!

–Sky Studios, Broadway

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