All Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners Are One of the Properties of a Metal

Conductor: While you are waiting for trains, please do not sit on the edge of the platform. Not only could you loose your legs, but you could delay your fellow passengers.

–Long Beach-bound LIRR

Overheard by: Matt P.

Conductor: The next stop is North White Plains, and everyone needs to get off there because the train will be aborted to the train yard. Yes, the train yard… And you don’t want to be at the train yard. It is a dark and lonely place…

–Metro-North

Conductor: This is the Six local train. Next stop is 42nd, Grand Central. And remember, folks, if you’re having a bad day, don’t try to have a good one. That’s just impossible. Next stop, 42nd.

–6 train

Overheard by: freckles

Conductor: Once again, ladies and gentlemen, today is July 31st. November monthly tickets are no longer valid on this train.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Does that mean I can use my December ticket?

Conductor: This is the voice of your conductor. Remember, only I can move the train. [Pauses while train begins moving, then] See? Just like that.

–A train

Overheard by: McF.

Conductor: I wish you would stop sticking your head out through the doors. If you want to be the conductor, take the test. Then you can stick your head out all you damn well please.

–7 train, Queensboro Plaza

Overheard by: ProcrastYNate

Conductor: This is the Q local. An express train is right across the platform. [Doors close] Wave goodbye!

–Q train

Overheard by: Zvi

Sure, Lisa, Some Magical Wednesday One-Liner….

Dude with chick to group of smokers outside bar: We are going to eat pork chops and fuck.

–Bleecker and Crosby

Gay male on cell: …Do you really think I would try his sausage balls?

–53rd St & 8th Ave

Budget Vin Diesel: I love bacon. If I could, I would put bacon in my cereal.

–Sunburnt Cow, Avenue C

Overheard by: LeahPia77

Hispanic deli worker: Es muy barato, como la carne de gato.

–10th & Broadway

Overheard by: Anna Pilar

Black man, to Jewish friend: You’re not Jewish. You had bacon at your baby’s naming ceremony. Thickest, juiciest most delicious bacon I ever ate in my life. You named your kid Samuel and you had bacon. Delicious, delicious bacon.

–A Train

Man on cell phone: The sausages! I mean, I don’t feel bad for the hot dogs. But, the sausages?!

–41st and 7th

Overheard by: Justin

Not-So-Educated Wednesday One-liners

Woman: Hi, I just realized today that my wallet was stolen a month ago.

–Chase Manhattan, Broadway & 73rd

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

Guy: I’ll have a Mahatma grande.

–Starbucks, Broadway & 98th

Lady: If it was a real fortune-teller or whatever, they’re not supposed to charge you, right?

–78th & 2nd

Overheard by: Todd Seavey

Wednesday One-Liners Would Never Call It “Vay-Kay”

Dude: Maybe I’ll just go on vacation with my left hand.

–67th & Columbus

Overheard by: Meli

Teen tourist on cell: I’m on vacation — I’m allowed to be a slut!

–Times Square

Trinidadian conductor on PA: This is Broadway-Nassau/Fulton Street. Transfer on the upper level for 2-3-4-5, J, M and Z… And please keep in mind that this time tomorrow, I’ll be landin’ in Trinidad in the sun, hahaha!

–A train

Overheard by: Russ Wall

Conductor: Just remember that on Sunday, I’ll be on my way to Acapulco! Ho, ho, ho! Did you ever see Santa in short pants and a t-shirt?

–A train

Overheard by: amc

Girl to friends: Yeah, so, you know how I was obsessed with my ex, right? So, he totally doesn’t know this, but one time when he was on vacation with his family, I broke into his house, looked through all his stuff for like three hours, and then took a huge dump in his parents’ bathroom and peaced.

–Grand Central

Worker to another: Wear something non-flammable when you go on vacation.

–Tiffany & Co.

Wednesday One-Liners Strut, Preen and Peck

Asian lady is eating something, and a black man takes his cell out and starts taking a video, documenting what’s going on.

Black man: She seems to be eating some type of seed — maybe a bird food. It appears to be that she is some sort of bird woman. Ka-kawww, ka-kawww!

–B train

Girl to friend: First you insult my turkey, and then you put a gourd on your face!

–Union Square

Crazy lady on bus: The turkeys! The turkeys! All you people care about is the turkeys and how they feel! What about the carrots and candied yams? No one cares about them!

–M104 bus

Overheard by: Susan Elliott

Little kid running across the street flapping his arms: I can’t help it that I’m a chicken!

–90th & Lex

Overheard by: Zach

Hospital employee to another: You see, I don’t call them chicken breasts; I call them chicken titties.

–Hospital cafeteria, Upper East Side

Overheard by:

Guy to girl: So you’d rather screw a duck than a geese? Is that what you’re telling me?

–Columbia University

You Really Shouldn’t Joke about Wednesday One-Liners

Black girl: But, I mean, other than the hating everyone part, he was the nicest neo-Nazi I’ve ever met.

–Penn Station

Biker dude: I’m a Puerto Rican Nazi! I can’t be racist!

–Outside Pyramid Club, Ave A

Thug entering train at rush hour: Man, it’s like the fucking Holocaust in here.

–1 train

Overheard by: Stella Blue

Worker: I think the Holocaust sounds so bad because it’s the ‘Holocaust.’ We should start calling it the ‘Jollycaust.’

–Strand Bookstore

Blonde tourist: The date was okay… I mean, the only problem I have is with his politics. And then there was that whole, um, like… racial thing. You know, all that Aryan stuff.

–Crowded M96 crosstown bus

Overheard by: Socky

Wednesday One-Liners Are Retaining Sperm

20-something woman on cell: I thought I was pregnant because I was nauseous all the time, but then I realized I was just always hungover.

–111th & Broadway

Overheard by: Ladle

Guy to chick: What the fuck did she get pregnant for? She needed to lose some weight.

–Bowery

Hyper chick: He got me knocked up with this giant pretzel!

–LIRR

Overheard by: Pretzel Vendor

20-something girl to friend: Oh, so you're thinking because it's Memorial Day weekend you're gonna get preggers?

–Hoyt-Schermerhorn Subway Sation

Guy, about a couple who'd broken up: She came back to pick up her shit, and when you come back to pick up your shit, you know, shit happens, and she got pregnant.

–Bed-Stuy, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Ashley

Lady suit on cell: Well, unless you want to get me pregnant, I'm not sure I see a way around this!

–Columbus Circle

Wednesday One-liners Are a Dumb Idea

Suit on cell: Yeah, but none of us respect Alex…Why? Because he’s a retard!

–53rd & 5th

Overheard by: Sara B.

Wednesday One-Liners Flunk the Polygraph

Woman on cell: I can't come. I'm in the Poconos right now.

–Rite Aid, The Bronx

Punk girl on phone: Hi mom…yeah… Yeah, me and Jane are just walking around in the neighborhood… Yeah, we're at the Time Warner center right now. No! No, of course I'm not on St. Mark's. No. I'd never go there. Of course I'm sober! Why wouldn't I be? Yeah. Okay, love you, bye! (hangs up phone, now to friend with beer) Gimme some of that!

–St. Mark's Place

Russian guy on phone (in Russian): Yeah, I'm on Avenue M. I just got off, I'll be there in a few.

–Q Train, Kings Highway

Overheard by: Robert

Dude on cell: Yo! What's up? I'm waiting at LaGuardia.

–Martin Luther King High School

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

Guy on cell: Yeah, I'm on Long Island right now. I'll be here for a little while.

–Park Slope

Female suit on phone: I have to cancel dinner tonight, I had that meeting I told you about, remember? And I'm still not back yet. Yeah. Yeah, I'm in Jersey still.

–Washington Square Park

Woman on cell outside a pub: Honey? It's mommy. We're still at the hospital. I don't know, we could still be here for hours.

–1st & 72nd

Overheard by: Well, there were hospitals nearby, at least

Wednesday One-liners NEVAR FORGET

Guy: You are a walking Katrina, you know that?

–C train

Overheard by: Jill Beirne

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