All Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners Stay One Lesson Ahead

Professor to unresponsive class: So, how do you know when a scene is over? Yeah, you just know, like porn.

–Sarah Lawrence College

Professor: Don’t mess with Socratic ninjas.

–NYU Law

Professor to silent class: Come on, what do you think? Someone say something. It’s kind of like sex. Sometimes you don’t want to do it, but you have to do what you have to do.

–Columbia University

Professor: I was whipped by a crazed dwarf in a cave for a month! Then I married him!

–Fordham University

Overheard by: Ali

Professor turning off powerpoint: And now we kick it old school.

–NYU Cantor

Overheard by: Jesse

SVA professor: Woo, I’m so jazzed today — it’s like I’m on crystal meth! [Students laugh.] No, seriously, I never did crystal meth! Speed, sure. Quaaludes, of course, but not crystal meth. Never. Nope. Oxycodone, maybe.

–SVA building

Overheard by: SUSAN

Professor: The Native Americans even have biological differences… except for the Native Americans of Australia.

–History class, Hunter College

Overheard by: tanechka

The NYC Cast of Characters in: Wednesday One-liners

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, all cars on this train are going to final destination: Parkchester. All cars will be making all stops.

–6 train

Newspaper vendor: Yo! Suits! Go get me that deal…or else! I mean right now, go get it done!

–41st & 6th

Overheard by: M. Hutchinson

Tourist on cell: Of course I know where we are. We’re near Broadway Street. No, no, wait. Broadway Avenue.

–57th & Broadway

Overheard by: Karyn Regal

Petitioner: Please help us save the filibuster!

–West 66th & Broadway

Overheard by: Todd Seavey

Subway salesman: …and thank you for helping me keep a roof over my head. I mean three roofs: I live in the basement.

–Q train

Metro New York guy: Free paper! Get your free paper!…Man, I’m sick of this shit.

–Union Square

Metro New York guy: Shit, man, I’m tired of sayin’ this!…Okay, fine. Good mornin’. Good mornin’. Shit.

–Park Place station

The Magic of Wednesday One-liners

Singing bag lady: My mother is a bitch! She’s a voodoo bitch. She’s a fucking whore. I hope that bitch gets cancer…the worst kind of cancer. She prevents me from getting a job with her voodoo.

–Bowling Green station

Overheard by: K2 Combo

Guy: That’s the last time I date a girl with a cape.

–Bryant Park station

Girl:…I don’t know why she hates me. She put a curse on me! But my mom took me to her healer and now I’m okay. I don’t really remember much, though.

–Central Park

Overheard by: Emily Y.

Wednesday One-liners Know What You Like

Girl on cell: Yeah, baby, I’m all alone in my apartment on my bed. I’m taking my panties off now. Mmm, I’m touching myself, thinking of you. I’m all wet for you, baby.

–outside Starbucks, 54th & Broadway

Suit on cell: Yes, I’m wearing suspenders.

–Wall & Broadway

Overheard by: Alexis

Wednesday-One-Liners Cope with At-Will Employment

Kid, to Clown dancing to ‘Hey Ya!’ in the bleachers: Get a job!

–Shea Stadium

Overheard by: thinks the clown is unemployed too

Guy on cell: You’re fired! You’re fired, ok? Ok? Ok, see you later, then.

–33rd & 6th

Hobo to well-endowed girl on the street: Damn girl! I wish I met you when I had a job!

–54th & 9th Ave.

Overheard by: Jasmine

Bimbette: The boss says I am too bubbly, too nice and it’s really freaking out the customers.

–72nd & Broadway

Suit on cell: I know she looks like she can fit your cock in her mouth, but aren’t you looking for a secretary?

–Wanamaker & 4th Ave

Young woman on cell: I wish Jesus would just come down and be like, ‘You’re gonna get the job.’

–Prospect Park

Overheard by: The Ficus

Customer: I have half a mind to come back here when the bitch gets off work… Whatever her life sucks, she works at Wendy’s.

–Wendy’s, 14th & 5th

Overheard by: Devon

Mama Mia, Those Are Some Spicy Wednesday One-Liners!

Ghetto guy on cell: I been wantin’ to go to Chuck E. Cheese for mad long.

–E 8th St

Midwestern girl: I just paid a hundred and thirty bucks for a meal I could have had for twenty dollars at home. [Points at Midwestern guy #1] Fuck you, [points at Midwestern guy #2] fuck you, [points at Midwestern guy #1 again] and especially fuck you. If I wasn’t going home with a purse full of mints and toothpicks right now, I’d punch you both in the balls.

–Outside Bobby Flay’s, 46th & 2nd

Bus driver: You know, you guys, you can step up onto the back platform. You don’t need a reservation. It’s not Applebee’s.

–M60 bus to LaGuardia

Overheard by: Kevoo

Girl on cell: Why?! Why would anyone ever get something catered by Outback Steakhouse!

–W 3rd St & LaGuardia

Chick on cell: Can you eat at Dallas BBQ in a rubber shirt?

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Wednesday One-liners in Black and White

Creepy white teacher: And so the black people started to spread from Harlem. And now there are black people in all five boroughs.

–205 & Reservoir, the Bronx

Hobo to parked white-on-white Mini Cooper: Hate car! Racist car! Bigot car!

–4th St & 1st Ave

Overheard by: benjamen walker

Girl on cell: I don’t care if I am as white as a bar of soap, I can say bangin’ all I want.

–35th St & 23rd Ave, Astoria

Overheard by: Rick Adams

We’re Considering Branding Wednesday One-liners

Woman: This is my favorite part…of the worst song ever.

–MTV Studios, Times Square

Man on cell: No, it is not like the time I farted at Target and blamed in on that old woman!

–22nd & Park

Overheard by: Bill Ray

Drunken yuppie guy: I want my Subway sandwich! I want my Subway sandwich! Tuna and onions! Yeah, you heard me. Girls love big cocks. Girls love big cocks! These girls know. I’m on…I’m on Comedy Central! I’m a redneck on Comedy Central! My name is Heywood Jablowme! Heywood Jablowme! Heywood Jablowme! I’m from Texas where girls suck cock for a dime!

–32nd & 2nd

Woman: Did you hear Cooter wouldn’t endorse that remake?

–7 train

Overheard by: Todd Horan

Guy: God, I feel like I’m trapped in a fucking Hallmark Card.

–Central Park

Overheard by: Shoshana

Latina: …and he looks evil and the Princess is saying to him, “You are a good person” and he looks so evil and then she is with Obi King Wasabi and he said he is on the dark side and then the shorty guy–what is his name?–Yoga said, “He is on the dark side” and then Dark Wader he is with the cape and looks all angry and evil reminded me of me on Mondays.

–58th & Lexington

Overheard by: Brandy Rowell

Wednesday One-Liners: Cha-ching!

Guy on cell: Don’t play games with me or I’ll break your fuckin’ nose. Have you got the money? Where’s the fuckin’ money?

–47th & 5th

Overheard by: Adam Bertocci

Ghetto kid on cell: Yo, yo, you don’t want to play football? …Right, right, so just when you tackle them, put your hand in their pockets and take their money!

–M14 bus

Hobo: God, lady, I’m not asking for a million dollars; I’m just asking for some change!

–14th between 5th & University

Overheard by: theNJl

Biker dude: She’s a shrink and a psychiatrist, so you know she’s rollin’ in money.

–Starbucks, 27th & Park

Overheard by: Brawny McBrawnerson

Grandma’s Fresh-Baked Wednesday One-Liners

Little girl to people waiting to board plane: You want a grandma? We have hundreds of grandmas here.

–LaGuardia

Overheard by: detective olivia benson

Grandma, about child running with others: He runs faster than… than a little shit.

–Alice in Wonderland Statue, Central Park

Mom to kid: Do you know that purse I stole from Grandma? Hide it. She’s coming over.

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: Jeff

Grandma: If I was 50, boy, I’d be nifty. [Granddaughter stares blankly.] Yeah, if I was 50, I’d wear a leather bustiere.

–C train

Woman on payphone: I don’t care if Johnny was fucking his cousin, that don’t give you the right to steal your grandma’s credit cards!

–125th & Lex

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