Ass

Little Girl: Mommy, where is heaven?
Ghetto Mommy: Right around the corner from my ass.

–Astoria Blvd

Overheard by: Meg
Headline by: Jim

Runners-Up:
· “A Little ‘Piece’ of Heaven” – Mistress Squidia
· “And on the 28th Day, There Came a Rain of Blood From Heaven…” – smo
· “Cleveland, However, Is Closer to the Armpit.” – Paul Nielsen
· “From Rear to Eternity” – ilemanzer
· “Heaven i’taint.” – Lee
· “Holy Shit” – lounamaa
· “I Don’t Think That’s What Carrie Underwood Meant When She Sang: ‘I Wanna Be Inside Your Heaven'” – Jenny
· “Must Be a ZoroASStrian” – John P.
· “Sample Curriculum from the Sunday School Taught by Mary Kay Letourneau” – steph
· “Suprisingly, More People Get into Heaven Than You’re Led to Believe in Church.” – J.C.
· “Then How Can Godliness Be Next to Cleanliness?” – kelynsh

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Museum patron: Tell me the story again about what happened to my bottom?

–Cafeteria, the Met

Woman to misbehaving child: Jamillah Fatima! Do not make me have to make the love connection to your behind on the C train!

–Brooklyn bound C train

Overheard by: ryan

Girl: Man, it’s hotter that 50 butt cracks in here!

–American Apparel, N 6th St, Williamsburg

Idle dreamer: Man…I wish I had, like, 59 butts.

–Apple Store, 5th Ave

Overheard by: i still sell the iPods

Walking VD: I told her straight up I only like her for her ass!

–Kissena Blvd & 71st Ave, Queens

Teen boy: I’m gonna spread your booty cheeks.

–108th & Manhattan

Overheard by: N

Man: Shit, I’ll eat a pig’s ass if they fry it right.

–471 Lincoln Place, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Michael O’Connor

3-Year-Old boy, putting both hands on butt of woman in front of him: Mooove!
Pushed woman: You shouldn’t let your boy do that.
Mother: What do you expect him to do? He’s got a big ass in his face!

–59th & Lex

Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer

Thug: Yo, money don’t grow on trees and come out your ass.

–82nd St, Jackson Heights, Queens

Overheard by: Jobee

Old woman on cell: I came to New York to see you. Now get your fucking ass down here right now!

–52nd & Lex

Overheard by: Laughing Seattlite

Junior high kid: Well you try shoving a tampon up a dog’s ass.

–L train

Girl: It’s so hot in here I feel like I’m swimming through the swamp that is someone’s ass.

–Madison Square Garden

Overheard by: TommyBP

Suit on cell: I will not be disrespected like this. I ain’t gonna be disrespected! I’m a grown ass man, damnit!

–Tribeca

Guy, after being yelled at by the driver who has rammed his car: Look, just calm down. Let me explain something: you’re an asshole, all right?

–2nd St & 7th Ave, Park Slope

Overheard by: johnnymac

Thug on cell: He get his ass whupped one time, he won’t testify. Plus, he all short, like 5’9″ or 5’10”, and carry all that weight. I whup his ass, we won’t have no more problems.

–DMV, Atlantic Center, Brooklyn

Fat girl: So I think I lost my favorite jeans.
Friend: What jeans?
Fat girl: You know, the ones that make my ass look small.
Friend: Honey, you can’t lose something that doesn’t exist.

–Union Square

Chick: Then he peer-pressured me into being morbidly obese!

–1 train

Girl on cell: Nothing’s bigger than Oprah, not even my mother’s ass!

–Ocean Pkwy and Neptune Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Ilysse Weisenfeld

Dude with flyers: New York Sports Club! Only 37 dollars! Get yo’ fat ass to the gym!

–Court & Joralemon, Brooklyn

Overheard by: elwood

Little boy: Mommy, I’m sick of all the fat girls in Coney Island.

–Queens Center Mall

Walking VD: It’s not cheating if she’s fat.

–Outside Jugo Juice, Times Square

Teen girl on cell: Ugh, great. Now she’s just going to make fun of me because I’m short and fat! Oh my God!

–Q46 bus

Overheard by: Melissa

Guy #1: I need to get some Chapstick. I have some chapped ass lips, man.
Guy #2: Gross, you have chapped asslips?

–Times Square

Overheard by: patrick Smith

Guy: Yo, Katie, why do you always gotta look at me like I just looked at your ass or somethin’?
Katie: Well, because most of the time you usually are!

–Cheap Shots, 1st Ave between 9th & St.Mark’s

Overheard by:

Girl: Whatever, it’s disgusting. I mean, you can cum in my butt but not in my vag.

–Q train

Woman: I have sex in my vagina, not in my bottom!

–Prospect Park

Girl 1: I just saw, like, 3 cute Jewish-looking guys.
Girl 2: Yeah, that one in the window?
Girl 1: Yeah.
Girl 2: Wanna go touch his butt?

–48th and 9th

Overheard by: alexie
Headline by: lori

Runners-Up:
· “Boy, if I had a quarter for every time someone said that about me, I’d have…..35 cents.” – Adam
· “By That I Mean Marry Him For His Money” – dean morris
· “Diaper Change Time at the Mt. Sanai Maternity Ward…” – Warren Freeman
· “Goy chicks are, like, so daring” – DJG
· “It’s only Trayf if you eat him” – djingo
· “Jewish: The Other White Meat” – James
· “Or we could go tweak that catholic-looking guy’s nipples” – morgz
· “Pants so tight you can see his religion” – scarfaccio
· “Satan Would Approve” – hl
· “The “Shiksa Shocka”” – Vick
· “Ugh… the cute ones are ALWAYS jewish” – Jnice
· “Yeah, That Wallet Is Huge.” – Keith Becker

Click here to see the new Headline Contest