Scruffy guy: I never understood that.
Taller friend: What? The dogs?
Scruffy guy: No, the fisting.
Taller guy: Oh. Well, I'm sure it stretches. There are two of them.
Scruffy guy: True.
–Barnes & Noble, Union Square
Scruffy guy: I never understood that.
Taller friend: What? The dogs?
Scruffy guy: No, the fisting.
Taller guy: Oh. Well, I'm sure it stretches. There are two of them.
Scruffy guy: True.
–Barnes & Noble, Union Square
Girl on cell (reading US Weekly): Hey, Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee were photographed together! That means there's still hope for me and that guy from the tattoo shop!
–Brookyln Diner, Times Square
Latina: What's with grandma keeping gettin' tattoos that show?
–Uptown 1 Train
Overheard by: Justin Case de Foodisbad
Chick to another: The only thing he better get tattooed on his butt is my name!
–Times Square
Overheard by: Angela
Guy to girlfriend: Does that guy over there have a picture of Kim Jong II tattooed on his shoulder? (pause) Or is that his kid? (pause) Cause that's fucked up!
–Brighton Beach
Overheard by: Not sure myself…
Girl: So I hooked up with this guy who had a prison tattoo of an eagle ripping up the communist manifesto. I was like: "God bless America," y'know?
–N train
Overheard by: amen
Black girl #1: Can I feel the inside of your ear?
Black girl #2: Um…
Black girl #1: I’m not gay, I just like the way ears feel!
–6 Train
Fat woman #1, at intermission: Man, these seats are tight!
Fat woman #2: Oh my god, tell me about it! My butt is killing me!
Fat woman #1, to skinny guy sitting in between them: Was I spilling over into your seat?
Skinny guy: You both were.
–New Amsterdam Theatre
Overheard by: Ali
(crazy woman talking to self)
Guy sitting next to her: Sorry, did you say something?
Crazy woman: No, I have an ear piercing.
Guy: Oh, in the other ear?
Crazy woman: No, this one (points to the ear closest to him). It’s all the way inside my ear. It’s Australian.
–Jane St & Greenwich Ave
Conductor: Please do not attempt to stick your foot into a closing door.
(turns off PA. Comes back on)
Conductor: It’s very dangerous… to put your hand or foot to block a closing door.
(turns off PA again. Comes back on)
Conductor: Especially your foot.
–W Train
Overheard by: Lex
Pretty girl looking in mirror: My eyebrows are too small for my face.
Queer friend: My penis is too small for my ego. We learn to deal with it.
–Union Square
Overheard by: Climate Changer
Euchre partner #1: Dude! I saved your ass on that hand.
Euchre partner #2: Yes -and thank you for being Jesus for my anus.
–Euchre Club of Queens
Drunk man to friend carrying him: And she keeps making fun of my tiny dick, but then she keeps grabbing my ass. Can you explain that to me?
–5th Ave
Overheard by: John-Boy
Man to friend: Ya know I’ve touched both your dick and your brother’s dick… and his is much bigger.
–44th St & 9th Ave
Overheard by: bigstoopit
20-something guy: I’ve just decided I need to quit dicking around and buy some q-tips.
–1 Train
Overheard by: drew
Guy, yelling: I did not put Peter’s dick in my mouth. I didn’t see it, I don’t even know what it looks like! None of us even came and it’s not important!
–Greenwich Ave
Obviously straight guy: For a million dollars. I’d suck the Jolly Green Giant’s dick, I don’t care if it did break my jaw.
–MacDougal St
Conductor: This is 81st street. Get off here for the big museum of dead stuff.
–Uptown C Train
Overheard by: Barry P.
PA announcer: Ladies and gentleman, we remind you to please be considerate of other passengers, and please keep your bags off the seats. I am karate trained, and will clear them by force if necessary.
–7 Train Subway Platform
Overheard by: your girl Dunham
Conductor on speakers: This is the 1:34 am last train to Dover. There are two toilets, one in the front and one in the second carriage. Please try your hardest to make it in there. And make sure to get off at your stop. Stay alert people. If you pass out you will end up in Dover.
–Penn Station, NJ Transit
MTA conductor: Near the rear doors, in the blue shirt and black tie, get your saggy stomach clear of the closing doors! 5th Avenue is next.
–E Train, 7th Avenue Station
Overheard by: jeannine
Conductor: Once more, ladies and gentlemen, things that should not be in the doors when they are closing: heads, shoulders, knees or toes, no purses, arms, or slow companions.
–Downtown 6 Train
Conductor: For those of you who don’t know, today is national train appreciation day. I think I deserve a round of applause. (passengers applaud) Now for those of you transferring to the Montauk train, I want you to think about how much more uncomfortable it would be if you had to make that trip by stagecoach.
–LIRR
Overheard by: androgenious
