Wednesday One-Liners Got the Part!

Conductor in thick Indian accent: Everybody's stressed out on their way to work, but remember you only came on the train with two hands! If you feel a third hand on you, feel free to do whatever you want with it!

–Uptown A Train

Overheard by: megan rose

Young woman on cell: Daddy? Mommy said you called. Is it about your testicles?

–78th & Lexington

Overheard by: Bob

Man on cell: I just saw this human female walk by with these legs…

–SoHo

Overheard by: Another human female

Passing female coworker: Stick my finger up to the middle knuckle to make sure it's warm.

–31st St

Dorky guy to friends: So then she gets on the table and the next thing you know, one leg is over her head and I just didn't know what to do with myself…

–3rd & 23rd

Overheard by: tila

Jersey lady: Now I have to straddle him, hold on to his ears, and do it.

–Metro North Train

Overheard by: Wow. Just… wow.

Posted on May 13, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, B & T, Balls, Body Parts, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Conductors, Coworkers, Desi, Friends, Guys, Men, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Passengers, Public Transportation, Questions, Sensory Experiences, Soho, Street, Stupidity, Trains Not Subway, Upper East Side, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Need an F-Bomb Shelter

Hare Krishna guy hawking meditation books: I hate this fucking city, fucking assholes. Fuck. Fuck this city!

–Union Square Station

Girl on phone: So, how's Dan? (pause) Oh, fuck Dan!

–South Ferry Terminal

Teenage boy to another in idling train: We made up an expression just to see if he would start saying it too. We started saying "fuck my dick!" Like, I dropped my pencil and said "fuck my dick!" You know? And he started sayin' that shit, yo!

–G Train

Overheard by: lucyruth

Guy on cell: Listen, I can fuck whoever the fuck I wanna fuck, whenever the fuck I wanna fuck. I choose not to fuck you.

–42nd St b/w 3rd & Lexington

Overheard by: julie f

Late 40s suit to another: Yeah, so I say to him, just to be polite,"yeah, I'd fuck her", then he says "yeah, but I'd fuck her after you were done with her!"

–Met Life Building

Conductor: Please move all the way in, please, people, move all the way in, stand clear of the closing doors. People! (turns microphone off, shouts) Nobody fucking listens to me!

–F Train

Overheard by: BLAH

Posted on May 13, 2009
Conductors, Ferry, Girls, Gripes, Guys, Insults, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Passengers, Penis, Public Transportation, Questions, Sex, Sloppy Seconds, Stupidity, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Suits, Teens, Union Square and East Village, Vendors & Street Performers, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Will Work for Wednesday One-Liners

Middle-aged woman: My work is better than my personality, honestly.

–40th b/w Park & Madison

Overheard by: Jim

Girl on cell: But you don't speak English or Spanish good. Baby, you just aren't that smart, how you supposed to get a job?

–Baskin & Robbins Downtown

Conductor: I really don't give a damn whether or not you stand clear of the closing doors, because regardless of where we go I'm still working.

–1 Train

Overheard by: gefilte fish junkie

Hobo, arguing with another: Don't talk to me like I'm yo' job.

–Harlem

Overheard by: Emily

Whiny lady on cell: Yeah, so I think I am allergic to my office. (pause) Oh, no, no, I am positive I am allergic to something in the office. Every time I am in there, sitting in my chair, I get these pains in my back.

–41st St & Park Ave

Overheard by: you still have a job, ungrateful lady!

Hobo to passers-by: Where are you all going? There ain't no jobs.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Jillian

Posted on May 13, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Compare/Contrast, Conductors, Girls, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Health and Hygiene, Hobos, Homeless, Jobs & Careers, Languages, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Passengers, Public Transportation, Questions, Store, Strangers, Street, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Women

And Why Are You All Whispering?

Conductor: Hoboken train. Hoboken, Hoboken, Hoboken.
Man with earbuds, yelling to passengers: Is this the Hoboken train?

–PATH Station

Posted on May 3, 2009
Conductors, Directions, Passengers, Public Transportation, Questions, Stupidity, Trains Not Subway

The Rail World: Wednesday One-Liners

Conductor on loudspeaker: Ladies and gentlemen, we have a slight signal problem ahead of us. There are several supervisors working to flip a coin and decide how we should proceed. Once they work that out, we'll be on to 125th Street, and it should be smooth sailing from there.

–Uptown 6 Train

Overheard by: Melissa

Conductor: Do not shove! Stand clear of the doors! Ladies and gentlemen, there is another train directly behind this one. Look, people, we have to work together. If you get pick-pocketed, molested, or rubbed the wrong way, you only have yourselves to blame!

–6 Train

Overheard by: wondergirl

Conductor over intercom, after train stops: Stay calm, people. We are not going down. Repeat: this is not the Titanic, we are not going down!

–3 Train

Overheard by: C

Conductor: This train will now be running express so I suggest you get on this train… Hey you! Sitting on the bench! Get on this train now!

–R Train

Overheard by: kinda scared

Train conductor over loudspeaker: Good evening, Heather.

–Stamford-Bound Metro North Train

Overheard by: Dianachka

Conductor: Attention passengers, this is the almost always delayed 6:18 express train to Long Branch. If you were inconvenienced by the delay, shame on you, you should know New Jersey transit never operates on schedule.

–NJ Transit

Conductor: This is 7th Avenue, just three blocks from the 4th Avenue stop. You could have walked!

–F Train

Posted on April 29, 2009
Accidents, Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Compare/Contrast, Conductors, Directions, Harassment, On the Subway, One-liners, Passengers, Public Transportation, Stupidity, Thievery, Time, Trains Not Subway, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

My Publicist Will Issue a Statement Later in the Ride

Bad lady, starting her speech: Ladies and gentlemen…
Conductor over speaker: Ladies and gentlemen, there is no begging allowed on New York City subways. I repeat, there is no begging allowed on New York City subways.
Bag lady, looking nervous: I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen, the conductor of the train and I do not get along.

–2 Train

Overheard by: Adam

Posted on April 26, 2009
Bag ladies, Conductors, Homeless, On the Subway, Panhandling, Public Transportation

Isn't That the L Train?

Conductor, over PA: We are having signal problems, so the e train is running every ten minutes, and very packed.
Hobo, yelling: Packed full of lesbians!

–E Train

Overheard by: Andrew

Posted on April 20, 2009
Conductors, Gays and Lesbians, Hobos, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Weirdness

She Don't Eat Wednesday One-Liners, But She Sure Like the Bone

Woman: Shut up! Do you want to end up alone eating a bologna sandwich in the drunk tank?

–Ave A & 10th

Overheard by: Kira

Coworker to office: I love meatloaf. I would wear it on my head like a hat.

–6th Ave

Overheard by: The Secret Newsbunny

Woman getting in cab: Fatty Magoo! I'm going to eat the shit out of some ribs!

–24th & 7th Ave

NYU boy to friends: Wait! I'm looking at the wrong site…there's all different kinds of sausages.

–Kimmel Center, NYU

Overheard by: lollin.

Hobo: I don't like beef, I don't like chicken, I don't like ribs…I like pussy!

–Lower East Side

Overheard by: J J

Conductor: Everyone please step aside at the next stop and make room for fresh meat.

–L Train

Overheard by: ooshua

Posted on April 15, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Alphabet City, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Clothing, Conductors, Coworkers, Crime and Punishment, Drinking & Drunk People, Food, Frat Boys, Friends, Gripes, Hobos, Insults, Junk Food & Fast Food, Lower East Side, NYU, On the Subway, One-liners, Public Transportation, Street, Threats, Vagina, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

If Ned Flanders Were a Black Hobo

Conductor: This is a Queens-bound f express train. So if you don't need express, you better get the hell up off mah train! Stand clear of the closing doors.
Black hobo: Heidi ho, let's go!

–F Train

Posted on April 11, 2009
Black People, Conductors, Directions, Hobos, On the Subway, Public Transportation, TV

Wednesday One-Liners Just Go to Their Happy Place

Conductor yelling in Indian accent: Please get in the train, it's not that crowded. (door closes and opens again) Get in the freaking train, it's not Mumbai, there is space, and keep you limbs inside the train, please!

–E Train

Overheard by: Ting

Loud man as doors open on a packed rush-hour train: What you need to do is…put out your hand and say, "no, you will not fit." And then, if that don't work, take your umbrella, and open it up.

–4 Train

Seated woman to older lady leaning over her: Lady, back your fupa up!

–F Train

Overheard by: pwolf

Conductor: This train is tooo crowded, folks. There is another train behind us that looks just like this one. Take a look at this train, then wait for something that looks just like it.

–6 Train

Little tourist boy: There are more people in here than in all of New York!

–Dillan's Candy Store

Posted on April 8, 2009
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Conductors, Kids, Men, Old People, On the Subway, One-liners, Passengers, Public Transportation, Store, Tourism, Tourists, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Conductors