Dads

Wednesday One-Liners for Bernardo and the Sharks

Chica on cell: He was just white. Like, a white guy. Except Puerto Rican.

–Park Terrace West, Inwood

Overheard by: Gringo Starr

Puerto Rican thug to another, both wearing Puerto Rican flag bandanas as face masks: White people better get used to us. There be like 80 billion of us in the world… Or maybe 8 thousand of us…at least.

–F Train

Overheard by: Brent

Teen on cell: Wait, you're in Puerto Rico? I'll be right there, that's by Chinatown, right? What do you mean it's an island? Like Staten Island? How the fuck did you get there?

–Colombus Circle

Overheard by: Graham Davis

JAP on phone: He called me a clingy JAP! How fucking low! I could've easily pulled the "you're-a-Puerto-Rican-from-Staten-Island" card.

–92nd & 5th

Guy (shouting): Hey guys! You like Puerto Ricans?!

–Times Square

Overheard by: CytoFox

Dad on scooter with eight-year-old girl: I don't want to hear that… Don't fuckin' push me, Joanna! You are not black, you are Puerto Rican!

–Flatbush & Fulton

Overheard by: Chelsea

Fine, but Go Easy on the Rouge This Time.

Dad: What else do you want to do?
Four-year-old boy: Your face.

–St Mark's & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Erin

First, Though, I Have to Explain About Taxes

Little kid after ‘death’ mentioned in movie: Dad? What’s death?
Dad: [Silence]Little kid: Hey, Dad?
Dad: I’ll tell you after the movie.

–Downtown movie theater

Overheard by: Dylan

And She’s Not Your Real Mother

Father: That’s the hotel where your mother and I stayed.
Girl: Where?
Father, pointing: There.
Girl: Is that a hotel?
Father: No.
Girl: Oh.
Father: So, obviously we didn’t stay there. You should learn to listen.

–6th & Broadway

Overheard by: Angie

Wednesdays Wonder How Much Their One-Liners Would Bring on the Open Market

Serious 40-something man to five-year-old girl: So why do I always have to be the one to buy dinner?

–8th Ave & 44th St

Overheard by: Dean

Mother to toddler: Why you always gotta sing Barney? Always Barney! You are so annoying! I'm sick of Barney.

–1 Train

Middle-aged Jewish man to eleven-year-old girl: But I don't think you have to worry about that, Talia, because there are very few Zoroastrians around these days.

–93rd & Broadway

Ghetto father making out with ghetto girl, to two-year-old tugging at his jeans: Nigga, stop cock-blockin me!

–Fordham Road

Overheard by: Laura

Angry mom to eight-year-old son: When I find that brick, you're in big trouble!

–Kane St & Clinton St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Phycobilins

Emphatic mom to child holding her hand: You've gotta hold my hand! I'm forty-six years old and I still hold my mommy's hand! I'm forty-six years old! So you've gotta hold my hand!

–50th & 9th

Overheard by: Christiana Little

More Men Should Write Etiquette Books

Little boy in bathroom: Oooh… Dad, I love you.
Dad outside stall: I love you, too, buddy, but you don’t have to tell me that when you are on the crapper.

–Bathroom, Penn Station

Not the Worst Place to End Up, Actually

Daughter: Dad, where are we getting off?
Father: Um…42nd Street…Times Square…Grand Central Parkway…something like that.
Daughter: 142nd street?
Father: Yeah, something like that.
(doors open for Penn Station)
Mother: I think we should get off here.
Father and daughter: Yeah.

–Uptown 2 Train

Only the Ones Whoring Themselves Out to Disney

Man #1: Yeah… So I took my daughter to see that movie, Enchanted.
Man #2: Sounds good… Wait! Isn’t that about a prostitute?!

–333 Lafayette St

Overheard by: OverHearer369

Dad’s Mistake Was Watching Speed with Him

Little boy sitting on dad’s shoulders and crying: But I make good decisions! I want to take a taxi! I don’t want to take the bus! I make good decisions. Why doesn’t anybody listen to meee?!
Dad: Honey, because you’re three.
Little boy, sobbing and hailing a cab: Taxi!

–Uptown M15 bus stop

Orthodox Mormons Have All the Fun

Guy on cell: Hello?…What do you mean you have bad news?…You’re pregnant? How could you be pregnant?…I thought you were on the Pill? How did this happen?!…I just got engaged to your sister on the 4th of July…This is really bad news…How long have you known?…A week?! Why did you wait a week to tell me?…Your sister is going to go through the roof…No, she doesn’t come back until Monday…So, I’ll see you tonight?…I told you, I just got engaged to your sister. You can’t be pregnant…Okay, have a good afternoon.

He makes another call.

Guy on cell: Hey…You know Claire*?…Yeah, Lauren’s* sister…Yeah, the hot one…Well, she’s pregnant…Me!

–46th between 5th & 6th

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