Dating

Paris Hilton: “That's Wednesday One-Liner.”

Hipster waitress to another: Camel toe is like, really hot, but also really uncomfortable.

–Williamsburg

College guy to friend: Dude, I'd definitely date a dude who looked like a hot chick… It's not gay.

–Hunter College

Overheard by: Stephen

Professor: Welcome to CUNY, it's like menopause. It's either too hot or too cold.

–City University of New York

Latino girl on cell: Bitch, please. I'm gonna look mad hot tonight. I'ma comb my hair!

–American Apparel

Male professor: I don't care how hot Brad Pitt is… If he sits on my lap, nothing's going to happen!

–New York Institute of Technology

Overheard by: Not Brad Pitt

It’s Hard to Make Love When You’re Simply an A-hole

Guy #1: Yeah, but you have a girlfriend.
Guy #2: Yeah, but she needs to lose weight.
Guy #1: Hmm, well how much weight do you think she needs to lose?
Guy #2: About 40 pounds. She says to me, “Why don’t we make love anymore?” and I’m like, “Why the hell do you think?”.

–2 train

Because I’m Still Failing His Class

Girl #1: So, what’s going on?
Girl #2: I think we’re dating, but I’m totally miserable!

–W 4th, between Charles & Perry

Overheard by: couple laughing loudly

Hey, Laura Married Urkel at the End Of That Series

30-something wasp: So she's out of his league and he still treats her bad?
Identical 30-something wasp: I know! If Urkel is gonna date Angelina Jolie, Urkel better fucking step it up!

–50th & 9th

Overheard by: Wes

Fool — Even Now the Eye of Sharon Turns in Our Direction!

Dude #1: I mean, when she walked into the room it was like… a demonic presence.
Dude #2: Yeah, I know what you mean.
Dude #1: No, you don’t. Your girlfriend isn’t like that. She’s not a bitch.
Dude #2: Yeah, she is, just in a different way. She’s a smart enough bitch not to let people know she’s a bitch.

–NYC High School

When the Octopus Mates

Chick on cell: Dan and I hit it off so great! We were sitting there on opposite ends of the couch and our feet were all intertwined, and I paused and just was like, ‘Look at us! It’s like we’ve known each other for ages!’ … Well, I’m thinking of asking him to get his DNA checked to see if we’re compatible. ‘Cause, you know, I want someone compatible. I wonder what his genealogical lines are. I told him that I was crazy, though, and that I was gonna ask. It’s just great that he’s willing to do it. It’s good that he knows I’ll be in control of everything.

–Plane leaving LaGuardia

Overheard by: Cassandra

Jason Concluded That Very Little of This Was About Him

Sobbing woman: I can’t believe he never called me back! And to think I gave him a chance!
Short friend: I bet he’s just sidetracked, give him some time!
Tall friend: Or maybe he’s with another woman!
Short friend: Oh, don’t think that! You beautiful, and smart, and… (cellphone rings)
Sobbing woman: (looks at phone) Who the fuck is Jason? (answers phone) Hello? Oh, hi Jason, this is Melinda*, remember? I went on a date with you last week! I’d just like to say, thanks for fucking my friend!

–49th & Lexington

All Women Date in Color: Green

Teen girl #1: I totally don’t dream in color.
Teen girl #2: No, but you date in it.

–Barnes & Noble, Staten Island

Overheard by: Lola Black

Chick #1: I want to see a play about interracial relationships. I want to have an interracial relationship.
Chick #2: I’m interracial; I have an interracial relationship with myself.
Chick #3: That’s why you’re so confused.
Chick #1: That’s why you’re so pretty.

–The Public Theater, Lafayette Street

“Couldn’t hurt.”

Geek #1: …and then all of a sudden she put me in a headlock!
Geek #2: So you gonna ask her out?
Geek #1: …do you think I should?

–2 train

He’s the Greatest Beard a Gal Could Ask For

30-year-old #1: So we went out on Thursday, and he didn’t call me Friday or Saturday, which was good. Then he showed up at the party on Sunday and didn’t talk to me for the first 35 minutes. Yesterday, he left me a message telling me how nice the party was, and I haven’t called him back.
30-year-old #2: But you like him.
30-year-old #1: Yeah, I think it’s going well.

–12th & Broadway

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