Death

Wednesday One-Liners Are One Baaaad Mother– Shut Yo' Mouth!

Cute JAP talking about all the stuff she gets: I don't need a man, I have my mom.

–Rare View Bar

Overheard by: white guy

Blonde girl to male friend: Listen, John. Fifteen minutes, your mom. Fifteen minutes, your mom.

–R Train

Annoying 40-something new mom: A good mom always has a diaper in her pocket!

–Barnes & Noble, 18th & 5th

Overheard by: I Am McLovey

Coworker: I got a bootleg mother.

–Midtown

Window-shopping tourist to wife: Look, honey! It's the dress your mother wore when they buried her!

–Union Square

Overheard by: CJ

Guy: I go over to the house for Mother's Day and she yells at me for not calling her for Mother's Day like my brother did. So I go outside and call her from my cell and say "happy Mother's Day!" and she yells at me for being an idiot.

–37th & 7th

You'd Get Tired Of Them in a Week, Same As the Rest of Us

Little girl, happily: And that's why I want to die.
Father, laughing: Why's that?
Little girl: So I can join the Grateful Dead!

–City Hall

I Used to Have 102 of You, You Know.

Woman with dalmatian, stuck on island mid-crossing: We don’t want to get killed on Park Avenue! We need to go to Fifth Avenue!
Dalmatian: [Silent.]Woman: Fifth Avenue only!

–92nd & Park

Yes…Her Own! (Happy Halloween)

Old man: I like your outfit.
Old woman: Thanks, I wore it at a funeral last night.

–Morris Park

Overheard by: Lon Steinberg

New York Girls Have Always Swooned for Quasimodo's “Ironic” Sense Of Style

Hermit-looking man at bakery counter: Euhh… Yes, I want cake. One will say “Kenny's dead.” No! Wait! One will say “I killed Kenny, and I'm not sorry!” And the other will say… it will say, “Obama is my homeboy!”
20-something hipster girl, staring at man: Are you… for real?
Hermit-looking man: Yes, sweetie.
20-something hipster girl: You… you win at life, sir.

–167th & Broadway

Wednesday One-Liners Have a View to a Kill

God freak: The Christians are praying and not killing. The Christians only kill once in two thousand years, or maybe a thousand years. Three hundred years. God will forgive you for killing a hundred men, but he will kill you because of the radio.

–R train

Chick on cell: You murdered him? Oh… you didn’t. Well that’s good. It would have been bad for your image.

–Central Park

Overheard by: Laura

Dude: Yo, don’t be so angry while I kill everyone.

–GWB Terminal, 175th St

Bean-Lover: And I said, “Yo, bitch, I kill you for a can o’ pinto beans.”

–10th St & 1st Ave

B&T girl: I want that exact kind of relationship. Except for, like, the whole mass murdering thing.

–Knitting Factory, Leonard St

Professor: Why kill yourself when you can just steal someone else’s idea?

–Hunter College

Overheard by: acep & arielle

Woman on cell: Do you know how many executions I’ve been to over the last year?…5.

–Central Park

Overheard by: MC

Wednesday One-liners

Drunk Guy: That girl’s tits are huge! And it’s snowing!

–Fordham

A man on a tandem bicycle turns to the woman on it and says: You know, it’s remarkable just how much like weddings funerals actually are.

–Varick Street

Overheard by: Sparkle Shortz

It's Funny Because It's Permanent!

Professor: So there's this study that says that left-handed people have lower evolutionary fitness.
Student: Does that mean that we're doomed because the President is left handed?
Professor, without missing a beat: No, it just means he's going to die.

–Columbia University

Medsday One-Liners

Radiology nurse: I have been asked out before. But never while giving a barium enema!

–Radiology Medical Office, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Paper

Doctor on cell: I have to get oriented as to the location of those cadavers!

–3rd Ave, Near Cabrini Medical Center

Older doctor to younger doctor in a group: You actually tried to get a dermatology consultant to come in the middle of the night? That was pretty dumb. You know those guys wouldn't get out of their Shea butter body wraps unless the world was ending.

–Kings County Emergency Room

Suit to lady friend: If you really wanted to smoke crack you'd go to the hospital!

–Nassau St & Ann St

Overweight girl to female friend: Wanna play gynecologist?

–St. Mark's Place

Overheard by: Sarah Booz

Wednesday One-Liners Are in a Transitional Phase

Conductor (after a few minutes waiting at signal): One of those trains better hurry it up and move it, I have better things to do.

–N Train

Conductor: Across the platform is an express 3 train. The doors are open, you can make it. Go for it! Go! Catch that train! (after a few stops) There is an express 2 train across the platform. You will make it. You will not miss it. You will make it.

–1 Train

Overheard by: motivated

Cheerful conductor: Welcome to the station formerly known as Prince!

–R Train

Conductor: We are now arriving at Grand Central. This is our final stop. We're six minutes early, so now you can't say anything bad about us.

–Metro North Train

Overheard by: Angela

Conductor: That is a 1 train and all trains are running express. Another local won't run til 5 am Monday. You can wait but we don't serve dinner or breakfast, and I'm all out of sleeping bags.

–1 Train

Overheard by: Steve

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, the train's emergency brakes have been activated for some reason. The train operator is going to walk around the train and check if there's a…body, or something, under the train. After that, we'll be able to move!

–C Train

Overheard by: Patient Passenger

Train conductor: Last call for the 10:00 local…last call! Get on the train cause away we go, and it's 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…blastoff!

–Metro North

Overheard by: to mount kisco, and BEYOND!

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