Wednesday One-Liners: Unclean! Unclean!

20-something female on cell: But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.

–23rd St & 5th Ave

Customer, after placing order: …with hardboiled eggs.
Gay waiter: Hardboiled eggs smell like dirty assholes, an I've seen a few dirty assholes.

–Denny's

Overheard by: student-19

Preppy guy on cell: No, dude! I don't know, like…like really dirty girls.

–86th & Lexington

Overheard by: Anne

12-year-old boy to mother: The bum, you know! The dirty man that plays with me.

–Forest Parkway

Overheard by: Jason A

Guy dancing on new lawn: This isn't even good grass! It's dirty, yo!

–Pratt Institute, Brooklyn

Posted on June 24, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Asshole, Baristas, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Cleanliness, College, Compare/Contrast, Customers, Food, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Homeless, Moms, On Cell, Preppies, Queens, Queer guys, Restaurants & Cafes, Robbing the Cradle, Sensory Experiences, Sex, Tweens, Upper East Side, Weed, Weirdness, Words

Wednesday One-Liners Go Both Ways

Girl, to herself: What if my water breaks in an elevator? (laughs) Akwaaaaard!

–High School

Conductor, after announcement tone: By the way, this is not an elevator. Waving your bag in the door does absolutely nothing.

–6 Train

Overheard by: you tell 'em

Middle-aged woman, pushing "up" elevator button to another pushing "down" button: You know, I could never figure it out with elevators, do you press the button to tell the elevator to come to you, or do you press it to tell it where you want to go?

–Building, Midtown

Overheard by: Delish

Older usher at Empire State Building: Please step out of the elevator. And as Beyonce says, to the left. To the left!

–Empire State Building

Lady on cell, waiting in line: Oh really? Well, I had heard someone took a crap in a Manhattan elevator!

–Supermarket, The Bronx

Posted on June 24, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Clerks, Compare/Contrast, Conductors, Elevators, Empire State Building, Fast Times at New York High, Girls, Grocery Stores, Laughter, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Music, Old People, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Poop, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Public Transportation, Questions, The Bronx, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

Wednesday One-Liners (No Homo)

Professor: Let's take a poll: who thinks I am gay?

–Lehman College

Flamboyant gay guy to butch gay guy: You, like, sneeze glitter. That's how gay you are!

–9th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: TR

Daughter to sobbing mother: Mom! Seriously, stop! I'm going to slap you. (mom continues sobbing) I'm not gay! Relax, okay?

–New Utrecht High School

Overheard by: Straight girl

Tween girl to friend: He's 17 years old and he doesn't have any kids? What? Is he gay?

–A Train

Teenage boy: Even if it's with a girl, it's still gay.

–L Train

Overheard by: Sean

Posted on June 24, 2009
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Bitch-slap, College, Family Ties, Fast Times at New York High, Friends, Gays and Lesbians, Gender issues, Girls, Kids, Moms, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Queer guys, Questions, School and studying, Stupidity, Teachers/Professors, Teens, The Village, Threats, Tweens, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

What the Fuck?

Girl: So I saw JT last night.
Friend: The guy with the ear-wax fetish?!

–Times Square

Overheard by: lilah

Posted on June 23, 2009
Friends, Girls, Kink, Questions, Times Square, Weirdness

I'm Talking No-Beer-Goggles Cute

Drunk girl on phone: Yeah, so I decided that I'll go on a date with you. (pause) Well, I made out with some guy tonight and… (pause) No, I don't think he's cuter than you. He's not really cute at all!
Guy she made out with: Um, I'm right here.
Drunk girl: Shhhhhhhhhh, I'm setting up a date with a cute guy!

–1st Ave & 8th St

Overheard by: amused

Posted on June 23, 2009
Beauty, Compare/Contrast, Dating, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Girls, Guys, On Cell, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness

That's Exactly What My Plastic Surgeon Said!

Girl to friend: Oh my god, your boobs have gotten so big!
Friend: Thanks!
Girl: Yeah, it's like now no one has to even look at your face.

–6 Train

Posted on June 19, 2009
Body Parts, Comebacks, Friends, Girls, Height, On the Subway, Physical appearance, Rack

We Should Probably Stop Hauling Them Around in Duffel Bags

Girl #1: Did that cab smell like something to you?
Girl #2: Yeah, it smelled like burgers.
Girl #1: I was going to say smelled like the refugees.
Girl #2: What the fuck?

–44th & 9th

Overheard by: penny

Posted on June 19, 2009
Compare/Contrast, Girls, Insults, Junk Food & Fast Food, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Public Transportation, Scents of the City, Sensory Experiences, Stupidity

I Still Don't Get Why You Were Pantsless, Though

Asian chick: Really!? Seriously!? That's so rude! I've never had anything like that happen to me before!
Blonde friend: Yeah, I know! What an asshole!
Asian chick: Wait, are you sure? He just fingered you with all those people in the restaurant watching?
(friends laugh)
Asian chick: Wait…what? I don't get it. That's what people say, right? He fingered you. He put his middle finger up.
Brunette friend, still laughing: No, no! He gave her the finger. He did not finger her.
Asian chick: Oh! Wow! I'm so glad I made that mistake now. I would have told everyone that she got fingered tonight.

–8th Ave, Chelsea

Overheard by: Wondering how anyone makes that mistake…

Posted on June 18, 2009
Asians, Body Parts, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Friends, Girls, Gossip, Hand-Jobs, Insults, Laughter, Questions, Stupidity

Do Wednesday One-Liners Get Published on Saturdays?

Boss: Wait, can I ask a city girl question? Do butterflies come from caterpillars??

–Office, 8th Ave

Overheard by: kpan

Tall blond tourist looking at Egyptian artifacts: So, are these, like, all real artifacts, or like, what? Know what I mean?

–The Metropolitan Museum

Girl to station agent: Can I go the other direction from here?

–W 103rd St

Overheard by: Emily B.

Blonde bimbo: Skydiving…is that the one done on water?

–Jerome Avenue Line

Woman, looking around crowded waiting area: I wonder how many people here are waiting for a train?

–Waiting Area, Penn Station

Overheard by: Not from New Jersey

Woman in elevator, after bumping into Al Roker: Wasn't that Tom Brokaw?

–Fisk Building

Posted on June 17, 2009
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Bimbettes, Bosses, Clerks, Directions, Elevators, Girls, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Insects, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Office, On the Subway, One-liners, Penn Station, Public Transportation, Questions, Sports, Street, Stupidity, The Met, Tourists, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women, Words

We're Not Looking for Any Serious Wednesday One-Liners Right Now

20-something girl to two girlfriends: We've been dating for two months. Normally in my relationships, it's "he loves me, and I love me," but now I feel like he knows I like him, and that threatens me.

–Penn Station

8th grade boy to another: Aren't I the woman in this relationship?

–Bell Academy

Woman to friend: He said he wanted to dress me up, take me out, and show me off to the world. Instead we'd go out, he'd make me pay, and tell me how great everyone else looked.

–3rd Ave & 37th th

Cute guy in Yankees hat: I need a wild, destructive relationship for awhile.

–Brother Jimmy's, 81st & Amsterdam

Guy: Yeah, I just got over a long-term relationship. You know, two to three months.

–Starbucks, 67 & Columbus

Guy on cell: I don't know if I already told you this, but I don't have a job or a show. So we could go a date until the end of time.

–MacDougal & 7th St

Steve Guttenberg to way-too-young date: I like you and I would like to see you, just not every day.

–Upper West Side

Posted on June 17, 2009
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, B-List, Beauty, Dating, Friends, Gender issues, Girlfriends, Girls, Guys, Jobs & Careers, Love, Money & Class, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, One-liners, Penn Station, Physical appearance, Questions, Relationships, Restaurants & Cafes, School, Sexuality, Starbucks, Street, Students, The Village, Threats, Time, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

Girls