Girl #1: Yeah, he had a heart attack.
Girl #2: Oh, wow, but can't you take something during a heart attack to stop it from happening?
Girl #2: No, you can't.
Girl #1: What about Bayer aspirin? I see those commercials all the time, and they say it stops heart attacks.
–3rd Ave & 46th St
Annoying tween: Oh my god, my dad made me use this, like, Salon brand shampoo. Oh my god, look at this volume! There's nothing! (two friends nod) And, guess what? It also smells like llama spit! (two friends look confused) You want to know how I know what llama spit smells like? My dad once got spat on in the face by a llama!
–1 Train
Overheard by: Lily
Grandma: What's wrong, honey?
8-year old boy: I'm done. You're all in my face, I'm dehydrated, and I'm going home.
Grandma: Well, we can get you a water.
8-year old boy: I don't want to hear it, grandma!
–5th Ave & 47th St
Drunk girl to hipster boyfriend: How come my hair always gets stuck in your mustache?!
Boy: I don't have a mustache.
Drunk girl: You know what I meant, boy! A beard! My hair always gets caught on it! Do you ever get food in there? Or coffee? Do you get a little sick if you sleep with a wet mustache? (pause) Oh, I'm just messing… (laughs at herself) but I hope you've been washing that thing with shampoo and conditioner every day!
–West Village
Bridge and tunnel #1: You can't be a germophobe in New York, dude.
Bridge and tunnel #2: Are you kidding? I wash my hands before I wipe my ass in this city.
–G Train
Overheard by: …fair point
Guy on cell, to girlfriend: I have such a headache in my balls right now.
–49th St & 10th Ave
Overheard by: Michael
Very drunk boyfriend to drunk girlfriend: If you can't stay here, talk to me and make this right! I'm gonna have to be a man, grow some balls and leave you!
–140th St & Broadway
Man on crowded sidewalk: Balls to butts, people. Balls to butts.
–Times Square
Girl to friends: I'd totally teabag him, but I don't got no balls.
–Brooklyn Heights
Very upset girl to no one in particular: But nobody would ever fuck my eyelashes!
–Bard High School, Queens
Overheard by: Sunny
Boy to another: He said he had to go and get a colon autopsy!
–84th & 3rd
Overheard by: Laura
Woman to husband: And I swear, she only has half an eye!
–Times Square
Older dude in sweater vest: It was considered the Rolls Royce of organs.
–111th St & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Ladle
Middle aged man walking his dog at night: She had a shamrock on her face and a shamrock on her butt.
–West End & 77th St
Girl to another: Are you going to be upset if he has short arms?
–University Place
White man: Obama's lettin' in all the Jews, man! I'm tellin' you–1.25 million Jews! This park is gonna be overrun with Jews!
Woman with swastika tattoo: When I was in jail… (inaudible) gangrene… (inaudible) elephantiasis of the foot!
–Union Square Park
Overheard by: Helene
Female security guard to sneezing kid: Cover your mouth when you sneeze. We don't need no swine flu in here.
(other library patrons laugh)
Female security guard: Yeah, I said it!
–Brooklyn Public Library
Overheard by: The City Planner
Girl #1: Do you have any Vicodin?
Girl #2: Yes, but I am not sharing with you, because you would not give me any Valium when I asked.
Girl #1: Okay, here are the Vals, now give me the Vicodin.
Girl #2: Hey, don't take them with wine. Check the warning “alcohol may increase the effect.”
Girl #1: Oh, I thought that was a serving suggestion.
–Iggy Pop Lecture, Times Center
