God's Chosen Wednesday One-Liners

Woman to friend: Look, I just don't want to be born again, okay? I saw how you attacked that Jewish woman in the airport.

–Broadway & 10th St

Overheard by: Stephanie

Patron: Jews for Jesus are just reformed black panthers.

–Turkish Kitchen, 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Pola

Student who has just drawn a stereotypical Jew to another who has drawn Jesus on the cross: Wait–wait, Jesus was Jewish?

–Bronx High School Of Science, Judaic Cultural Society

Girl at birthday supper: I get all Jewish and entitled when anyone tries to tell me "no!"

–8th Ave & 43rd St

Overheard by: Lankyguy

Jock to another: And then he like tried to fuck me. I guess that's what I get for spending the night at a dude's house. I mean he was Jewish and all, so he was really nice but still…

–23rd St & Lexington

Posted on September 16, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Bosses, Bronx Science, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Compare/Contrast, Friends, Girls, Jesus, Jocks, Judaism, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Questions, Race, Restaurants & Cafes, Sex, Street, Students, Stupidity, The Bronx, The Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

I've Decided to Add a Whole Additional Set Of Dietary Requirements

Girl #1: Wait, I thought you didn't eat meat?
Girl #2: I'm a pescetarian.
Girl #1: Oh. Aren't you Jewish?

–Sushi Samba, Park Ave

Posted on September 5, 2009
Food, Girls, Judaism, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Stupidity, Vegetarian & Vegan, Words

She Should Marry a Nice Doctor.

Old Jewish woman #1: Amy Winehouse…she sounds like a nice Jewish girl.
Old Jewish woman #2: I don't think she's going to live very long.

–Rock & Roll Hall of Fame Annex

Overheard by: Rachel

Posted on June 27, 2009
About Celebrities, Death, Jewish Moms, Judaism, More museums, Old People

Wednesday One-Liners Are Older, but No Wiser

Crotchety old Jewish lady, passing Palm Sunday parade: Easter is for amateurs.

–W 72nd St & Broadway

Overheard by: Naomi Choy Smith

Little old lady looking down steep basement stairway: Wow…I wouldn't want to be drunk going down those stairs!

–Broome & Essex

Old guy: I'm going out for a smoke. If you see someone take this jacket, shoot to kill.

–Starbucks

Old man with beard, hunched over walker, watching couple holding hands: You two been doin' the nasty, ain't ya?

–27th & Broadway

Old black lady in wheelchair: I mean, what was he gonna do with a dead body?

–Bowery

Overheard by: Lauren

Very old man to another, in thick New York accent: Ya gotta take it…and put it on ya rectum like this. (demonstrates with hand gesture)

–53rd St & 10th Ave

Elderly gentleman to another: From now on, you will obey me!

–Carnegie Hall

Posted on June 10, 2009
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Black People, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Clothing, Death, Drinking & Drunk People, Guys, Jews, Judaism, Lower East Side, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murder, Old People, One-liners, Questions, Relationships, Shoot, Smoking, Starbucks, Theater, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wheelbos, Wishes & desires, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Contemplate Eating Their Young

Man yelling at children: If I see it I spank it!

–94th St & Columbus

Overheard by: olivia

Mother to complaining seven-year-old daughter: Let's pretend we're the Israelites wandering in the desert.

–42nd St & 8th Ave

Mom to child: If you do that again, I swear to god, I will make you ride outside! I will strap you to the wing and make you ride outside!

–JetBlue Plane, JFK Tarmac

Woman to small child looking at store window: Jean-Claude, you simply cannot be this demanding at two and a half!

–3rd Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Paula Katinas

Mother to screaming child: You are so mean! Who raised you? Wild animals? Indians?

–Greene St, SoHo

Overheard by: Mememonkey

Mom getting on subway to small kids: Well, now you know what "burlesque" means!

–1 Train

Posted on June 10, 2009
Airports, All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Brooklyn, JFK Airport, Judaism, Kids, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Offers and requests, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Questions, Shopping, Should've Used a Condom, Soho, Street, Threats, Time, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Words

Now I'd Like to Apologize for Adam Sandler

Salesperson, after seeing Jewish last name on credit card: Sorry about all that craziness in Israel!
Jew: It's okay. We're used to it.

–Houston & Varick

Posted on May 28, 2009
Apologies, Clerks, Crazy, Jews, Judaism, War, West Village

And Neither Is Hummus

Girl: God, I was so mad at my mom, I wanted to dip her in a vat of hummus.
Boy: What the hell?
Girl: Yeah, yeah, that's what ancient Jewish rulers did to people they were mad at.
Boy: You're not even Jewish.
Girl: Oh, yeah. You're right.

–Upper East Side

Posted on May 14, 2009
Anger Management, Boys, Girls, Judaism, Parents, Upper East Side, Violence, Wishes & desires

I Was Supposed to Make Dessert!

Tween thug #1: Yo, Beth Israel hospital. You gotta be a Jew to go there? Haha!
Tween thug #2, somberly: No. My grandmother was in there.
Tween thug #1: Oh. I'm sorry… Shit! Look, that's where we got arrested! They cuffed me on that corner!
Tween thug #2: Yo, what time is it?
Tween thug #1: 5:11. (pause) Oh damn, my momma told me I had to be home at 5! She gonna kill me.

–B82 Bus

Posted on May 10, 2009
Crime and Punishment, Family Ties, Health and Hygiene, Judaism, Murder, On the Bus, Parents, Thugs, Time, Tweens

You're Probably Thinking Of Lox

Law student #1: How about we send her a fruit basket?
Law student #2: She's not Jewish.
Law student #3: You don't have to be Jewish to appreciate good fruit.

–Cardozo School of Law

Overheard by: Law Student

Posted on April 20, 2009
Fruit, Judaism, Questions, School, Students

Judaism