Kids

Fecal Coliform Wednesday One-Liners

Boricua: Yo, son, I told you! Birdseed don’t know shit about shit!

–Fordham University

Announcer: The 10:30… Shit, the 11:30 six train to Ronkonkoma is now boarding on track eighteen. Shit…

–LIRR terminal, Penn Station

Eight-year-old girl: Mom, look! Mom, they got a nicer elevator than we do! Shit.

–7th & 2nd

Overheard by: BJ

Girl: Awww, all they have is shit!

–NYU dining hall

Loud woman on phone: So, guess what my 18-month-old daughter learned to say? ‘Oh, shit.’ And guess who she learned it from? Mommy.

–Bergen Beach-bound B3 bus

Overheard by: Robert

Barbara Bush Is So Fucking Self-righteous

Little girl seeing naked cowgirl: Mommy, how come I can see that lady’s boobies?
Mommy: Well, she’s letting everybody know it’s okay to breast feed.

–46th & Broadway

Overheard by: Chadwick Vogel

Headline by: mbobbinson

Runners-Up:
· “…for Tips” – Melissa
· “And Why Did Daddy Just Walk Into a Pole?” – TJ
· “Her Thong Lets Everyone Know Tips Are Appreciated” – Dangello
· “How Come I Can See Her Vagina?” – Peter Madsen
· “Later, She’ll Ride the Mechanical Bull and Serve Us Milkshakes” – Dawn Elizabeth

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Okay, Now It’s the Blood-Drained Cadaver. Let’s Go.

Kids: Come on, dad!
Dad: Wait! Don’t go until the bloody hand goes away.

–Times Square

Lindsay Lohan Was Always Quite the Handful

Kid to dad: Order a Margarita so I can have some.
Dad to kid: I don't drink alcohol and you are nine years old!

–Bar, Montegue Street, Brooklyn

Overheard by: hungry law student

I Just Felt That Stella Could've Been Given a More Emotionally-Challenging Role

Trendy young mom #1: Well, everyone wants their kid to guest-appear on Sesame Street.
Trendy young mom #2: Oh, yeah?

–2nd Floor, MoMA

Overheard by: Krashaunda

Either That, or It's Back to Diapers–Like Grandma

Small child, waiting in bathroom line: Mom, I really have to go.
Mom: Well, honey, you're just gonna have to cross your legs and hold your vagina.

–Barnes & Noble Bathroom, Union Square

I Was Like, ‘Pass the Joint Custody, Yo.’

Hispanic/black mom: Do you believe that shit? I was like, “You have got to be messin.'”
7-year-old daughter: Ya, I hope you told him.
Mom: Ya, I gave yo’ daddy some shit. He ain’t gonna come round no mo’.

–Water & Fulton

Overheard by: Fabiani

Or It's That LSD Tab We Just Split

Southern tourist boy: Mommy! Look at the tops of the tall buildings… It looks like the clouds are standing still and the buildings are moving!
Mom: That's because the earth is turning so quickly, sweetie.

–Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: Bill O.

Six Wednesday One-Liners Under

Girl on phone: Did he actually try to kill you, or is this like the time at the supermarket when you thought the cashier was coming onto you because he touched your hand giving you change?

–Time Square

HR person: I don't want to whack her until I have to. But I probably will.

–Broadway

Little boy to mom: Mommy, what does it feel like to die?

–7th & Carroll, Park Slope

Well-dressed man on cell: I know, we need to make sure that none of them live.

–8th St & Broadway

Seven-year-old girl to mom, after being scolded: I'm going to kill you.

–4 Train

Long Island woman: Well, sure, it's a great place if you want to be raped and murdered every day.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Cori

The Ayn Rand Preschool May Have Been a Mistake

Child: Mommy! Mommy! [Pointing at track worker] Look, that man is going to kill himself.
Mom: No, honey, he is just fixing the tracks so we don’t crash with another train.
Child: So that means he is saving our lives by risking his. What a dumbass!

–7 train

Overheard by: Feziie Fez

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