Engorged, Throbbing Wednesday One-Liners

Woman to another: Eat the penis, Danielle, eat the penis.

–New Jersey Transit train out of Penn Station

Overheard by: Tootles McGee

Black guy: Yo! Where my penis at?

–Bergenline Bus

Overheard by: Don’t know how he lost it to begin with

Guy with big dog to girlfriend: Is my cock straight?

–12th & 7th Ave

Overheard by: Amanda

Five-year-old son to father helping him ride a bicycle, seeing wooden posts out of the water: Daddy, is that a huge penis?

–South Seaport

Female suit: Their penises don’t care!

–Times Square

Hobo: I’m the unluckiest son of a bitch I know! If it were raining vaginas, I’d get hit in the head with a penis.

–5th Ave

Girl on cell: That’s good… Did you like the peen? The peen? Did you like the penis, mother? The penis? Oh good, I though you would.

–9th & Prospect Park

Overheard by: Other Side of the Fence

Posted on January 24, 2018
All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Boyfriends, Boys, Brooklyn, Girls, Gripes, Guys, Hobos, Kids, On Cell, On the Bus, Penis, Penn Station, Questions, Suits, The Village, Times Square, Trains Not Subway, Vagina, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Weirdness, Women

I’m Thankful for My Family

Little boy: Twain!
Mom: Yeah, yeah, train, Darniel, train. Nobody cares!

–Prospect Heights

Overheard by: Michael Barthel

Mother: Did you do these questions or was this the part you copied from the board in class?…What the fuck was that? Speak in actual words!
Little boy: This part was from the board and this part I did.
Mother: Don’t fucking lie to me. I’m gonna bust you in the mouth. Why didn’t you do your homework?…Did you look at yourself before we left the house? You look like fucking shit!
Little boy: I’m sorry.
Mother: Sorry looking.

–F train

Man on cell: You stupid little bitch!…That’s right I want a better report card next year.

–West 4th Street & 6th Avenue

Overheard by: Scott Hoffman

Teen girl: I’m not allowed to go home this weekend ’cause my father’s having one of his girlfriends over. He told me, “you’re gonna have to sleep somewhere else, because, uh, you know…”

–A train

Little girl: Mommy, what’re we getting?
Mommy: Pshh, I don’t know. You better figure out quick, you’re the one’s gotta eat.

–Fine Fair, Avenue C

Overheard by: Catechist

Boy: Did you get my Christmas list?
Dad: I don’t need your Christmas list.
Boy: I want a PSP. A portable Playstation.
Dad: I’m not gettin’ you video games.
Boy: Then I just want money.
Dad: You want my money, I want you to get good grades. Neither of us get what we want, do we?

–6 train

Overheard by: Chris Mohney

Posted on January 19, 2018
Anger Management, Bitch-slap, Family Ties, Food, Gifts, Insults, Kids, Parents, School and studying, Shopping, Violence, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Exactly.

Four-year-old girl, jubilantly: The letter y!
Father: Z.
Four-year-old girl: Good-bye.
Father: Four.
Four-year-old girl: What?
Father: Yes.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Christin

Posted on January 10, 2018
Dads, Default, Girls, Kids, Parents, Questions, Times Square, Weirdness, Words

How to Rejuvenate The Baby-sitters Club

Girl #1: What can we do tomorrow?
Girl #2: I found a place that makes great Mimosas at lunch time. We get get drunk at noon and then sober up before we have to babysit.

–D train

Overheard by: Kirk

Posted on January 10, 2018
Drinking & Drunk People, Kids, On the Subway, Restaurants & Cafes

I Guess Skoal Doesn’t Count

A kid is trying to get bubblegum off his face.

Kid #1: Yo, you know you can use an ice cube to get that off.
Kid #2: Where the fuck am I supposed to get an ice cube now? Besides, how’s that gonna help?
Kid #1: Dumbass. When the gum is cold it’s not sticky anymore. Haven’t you ever chewed gum in the shower?

–Uptown 6 train

Overheard by: Bert

Posted on January 9, 2018
Advice, Food, Idiots, Kids, On the Subway

Just Back from a Tour as a Guantanamo Interrogator

Mom: You’re the mommy.
Little boy: I’m not the mommy.
Mom: You’re the mommy.
Little boy: I am not the mommy.
Mom: You’re the mommy.
Little boy, screaming: I am not the mommy!

–Little Italy grocery

Overheard by: should i be taking parenting notes?

Posted on January 2, 2018
Boys, Grocery Stores, Kids, Moms, Parents, Talking/Convos, Violence

Virgins Exist?

Mom, reading about unicorns to ten-year-old son: The unicorn was a symbol of Christ, its head in the virgin Mary’s lap…
Son: Wait, wait, wait! Mary was a virgin?!

–Museum of Natural History, Mythic Creatures Exhibit

Posted on January 1, 2018
Animals & Nature, Boys, Default, Jesus, Kids, Moms, Museum of Natural History, Questions, Upper East Side, Virginity

Good Thing There's Sawdust on the Floor

Soccer fan #1, disturbed by screaming children while watching World Cup: Where the hell did all these kids come from?
Soccer fan #2, still watching screen: My guess is various wombs.

–Sports Bar, Red Hook

Overheard by: KP Whitey