Volunteer for UHO: I'm here collecting money for United Homeless Organization. I was once homeless and begging on the subway, but thanks to your generous donations…
Two-year-old boy, screaming: Stop it!
–6 train
Overheard by: Katie
Volunteer for UHO: I'm here collecting money for United Homeless Organization. I was once homeless and begging on the subway, but thanks to your generous donations…
Two-year-old boy, screaming: Stop it!
–6 train
Overheard by: Katie
Dad: I won't tell mommy about the donut you're eating if you don't tell mommy about the cigarette I'm about to smoke.
Daughter: Okay.
–Coffee Shop, Park Slope
Skinny pale male hippie with hair in top knot, to friend, calmly: I'm going to lose my brain. A piece of my brain.
–E.11th St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Liz
Man on cell: Yeah, he crossed the line. Then, when he started talking about my wife's anatomy I was just disgusted.
–31st Parking Garage
Thug, about his baby son: So, I'm lookin' at this kid. I be lookin' at him real hard. He got everything I got! Square head, the shoulders, the flat feet, everything! Straight down to the penis!
–Staten Island Ferry
Out of towner to friend: I just want to let you know your armpit is making my wrist very warm right now.
–3 Train
Overheard by: there are worse places you could put that, I guess…
Man to friends: He empties his mind into your face.
–5th Ave & 11th St
Boy: Hey Dad, you wanna hear what I learned today? “My Very Educated Mother Just Served Us Nine Pizzas”, and every word tells you the name of a planet! Wanna try it? OK, I’ll say the word, and you tell me which planet it means. Ready? My…
Father: Mars.
Boy: Right. Very…
Father: Venus.
Boy: Uh huh. Educated…
Father: Uh…Earth?
Boy: Yep. Mother…
Father: The Moon.
Boy: Yep.
–7 train
Overheard by: Mikey
Boy on cell: We took the bus to 9th Avenue and I saw a guy lying there with only one shoe on. My dad said that’s what happens when you don’t go to school.
–42nd & 9th
Overheard by: Dr. Ballon
Schoolboy in uniform, passing two cops: Run, Alisha! It’s the po-po! Run!
Schoolgirl: What?
Schoolboy: We’re black! Run!
–14th & 8th station
Overheard by: warrfree
Son: I’m thinking of an animal now.
Mother: Does it live in water?
Son: No.
Mother: Does it live on land?
Son: No.
Mother: Does it live in the air?
Son: No.
Mother: Does it live in the subway?
Son: Yes.
Mother: Is it a rat?
Son: No.
Mother: I give up.
Son: It’s a homeless person.
–1 train
Headline by: Johnny Utah
Runners-Up:
· “Better Question: Does It Masturbate in the Subway?” – s m
· “Can We Hunt It for Sport on a Private Island?” – space coyote
· “Don’t Feed It… It’ll Shit Everywhere!” – Hobo Whisperer
· “Homeless: the Other Other White Meat” – Renee
· “New and Improved — Now with Rabies!” – greatly amused
Five-year-old boy: I Superman! I Superman.
Six-year-old girl: Who cares!
Five-year-old boy: I Superman! I Superman!
–Flatbush & Atlantic, Brooklyn
Tourist dad: Look, Alexander Hamilton.
Tourist son: He was young.
Tourist dad: Yeah, wonder what he died of?
–Rector St, by Trinity Graveyard
Overheard by: DTA Officer
Black 30-something man: And she said, "Nigga, you wanna fuck mah titties wit a gun?"
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Amanda R.
10-year-old boy, very loudly, to 10-year-old girl: Oh, yeah, well…how many guns have you ever held?
–5 Train
Middle aged white man in shorts: Anyone awake at 2 am should be shot!
–LIRR
Overheard by: L.C.
Street performer, trying to move crowd: Okay, let's try this! White people, we are not dangerous! (lifts shirt, pats down sides) We are unarmed! Step closer!
–W 45th & 5th
Man on phone: Right. Right. Wait, what? (in shock) He don't got a gun? Well, he has to have a gun! What kinda game do you think this is?
–J Train
Army dude to friends: People shoot at me every once in awhile. Do I get tipped? No, fuck tips!
–Havanna's Bar
Eight-year-old girl to older brother: I don't like booooooys!
10-year-old brother: I don't like boys, either!
Kids' ghetto mom to son: Boy, you betta like boys or I'mma pull your dick off.
–Uptown 2 Train
Overheard by: E.C.
