Wednesdays Wonder How Much Their One-Liners Would Bring on the Open Market

Serious 40-something man to five-year-old girl: So why do I always have to be the one to buy dinner?

–8th Ave & 44th St

Overheard by: Dean

Mother to toddler: Why you always gotta sing Barney? Always Barney! You are so annoying! I'm sick of Barney.

–1 Train

Middle-aged Jewish man to eleven-year-old girl: But I don't think you have to worry about that, Talia, because there are very few Zoroastrians around these days.

–93rd & Broadway

Ghetto father making out with ghetto girl, to two-year-old tugging at his jeans: Nigga, stop cock-blockin me!

–Fordham Road

Overheard by: Laura

Angry mom to eight-year-old son: When I find that brick, you're in big trouble!

–Kane St & Clinton St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Phycobilins

Emphatic mom to child holding her hand: You've gotta hold my hand! I'm forty-six years old and I still hold my mommy's hand! I'm forty-six years old! So you've gotta hold my hand!

–50th & 9th

Overheard by: Christiana Little

Posted on November 26, 2014
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Dads, Family Ties, Food, Ghetto Chicks, Gripes, Jews, K-I-S-S-I-N-G, Kids, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Questions, Religion, Sex, Street, The Bronx, Threats, TV, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Violence, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

She Has to Talk about Four Other Gross Things and Still Meet Deadline

Mom: Do you need to poop?
Little girl: I don’t wanna poop!
Mom: You’ll get a treat if you poop.
Little girl: But I don’t wanna.
Mom: You either do it or you don’t. I don’t have all day to talk about poop.

–JFK bathroom stall

Overheard by: plo

Posted on November 25, 2014
JFK Airport, Kids, Moms, Poop

Actually, Sis, Evil Means Victory!

Little sister: Mommy, she called me stupid!
Big sister: No I didn’t, I called you evil.
Little sister: Evil means stupid.
Mommy: You are both annoying.

–Key Food, Prospect Heights

Posted on November 25, 2014
Grocery Stores, Insults, Kids, Moms, Sisters, Words

I Spy with My Little Eye… a Hooker!

Little girl: Mommy! Is that Times Square!? I see lights, mommy! It's Times Square!
Mommy: Umm… Where, honey? We're not there yet.
Little girl: Yes, we are! Look, mommy! Look at the lights! Peep World, mommy! Peep World!

–33rd St & 7th Ave

Overheard by: I want that to be my kid.

Posted on November 23, 2014
Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Kids, Moms, Movies, NYC Geography, Parents, Questions

Dude, Kids Would Rather Have the Father Than the Money

40-something man to small toddler: I love you very much, sir.
Toddler: (inaudible gibberish)
40-something man: I will make you very rich, sir.
Toddler: (more inaudible gibberish)
40-something man: When I die you will be very wealthy, sir.
Toddler: (more inaudible gibberish)
40-something man: I will make you so much motherfucking money, sir. You will be so motherfucking rich, sir.

–12th St & Ave B

Overheard by: John

Posted on November 23, 2014
Alphabet City, Death, Kids, Language Barrier, Love, Men, Money & Class, Stupidity

Wednesday One-Liners–Not for the Calorie-Conscious

3rd grader, cheerily announcing to subway: I'm starving! I didn't even have breakfast! (jubilantly) Just candy!

–4 Train

Overheard by: i tried that once

Cosi employee to another: Dude, don't tell anyone, but I put a *special ingredient* in the brownies.

–Cosi Restaurant

Fat girl with three skinny friends and a large cupcake: So what do you think our cupcake choices say about our personalities?

–Crumbs Bake Shop

Overheard by: Damon

Old guy with ponytail: You bootlegged My Bloody Valentine? That's like breaking into the US Mint and stealing the chocolate sauce!

–7th Ave

Overheard by: Good Analogy

Girl: And by "jellybean," I mean "fetus"!

–Christopher & W 4th St

Woman: It's no longer a chocolate vagina, it's just a pool of chocolate!

–Manhattan Center Grand Ballroom

Overheard by: Ilyssa

Posted on November 22, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Compare/Contrast, Coworkers, Crime and Punishment, Fat People, Food, Friends, Girls, Grocery Stores, Junk Food & Fast Food, Kids, Music, Old People, On the Subway, One-liners, Parades & Festitivites, Passengers, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Psychology, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Skinny People, Street, The Village, Vagina, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women, Words

I Couldn’t Get in the Door in My Angel of Death Costume

Kid #1: Yo, it would be awesome to go trick-or-treat here tonight.
Kid #2: Idiot, Jews have Halloween in April or something.

–Kosher candy store

Posted on November 22, 2014
Judaism, Kids, Vampires, Ghouls, and Ghosts, oh my!

Wednesday One-Liners Expand Their Fecabulary

Cyclist: So he was all, "my shit is your shit," and I thought, "that's the most romantic thing I've heard."

–Central Park

Dude on cell, checking out sunblock: They don't have shit here. SPF 15 is too high!

–Duane Reade, Flushing

Toddler that dropped his toy: Oh, shit!

–7th Ave, Park Slope

10-year-old boy to friend: That was like the first time I ever took a shit in a public bathroom.

–2nd Ave & 9th St

Man in baggy jeans walking with gusto: Oh, yes, oh yeah. She wanted my shiiit… She wanted my shit!

–6 Train

Chick to friends: He is totally going to shit a tampon!

–84th St & Amsterdam

Posted on November 21, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Athletes, Brooklyn, Central Park, Compare/Contrast, Duane Reade, Friends, Girls, Guys, Insults, Kids, Love, Men, Menstruation, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Park Slope, Parks, Poop, Street, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Wednesday One-Liners? Please Hold.

Guy on cell: I'm gonna come over and give you a big hug before doomsday.

–Outside NYU Dorm

Guy holding up drunk friend: I have to hug the fat kid?! Why don't you try hugging a fat kid?

–LIRR, Penn Station

Overheard by: Laura

Hobo to startled girl: If you give me a dollar I won't hug you.

–7 Train

Small boy, loudly, after some take-off turbulence: The plane is going down… Everybody hug!

–Runway Strip, JFK

Overheard by: PSUny

Posted on November 21, 2014
Airports, All Wednesday One-Liners, Comebacks, Diet/Weight, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Friends, Guys, Hobos, Hugs, JFK Airport, Kids, Money & Class, NYU, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Panhandling, Penn Station, Physical appearance, Public Transportation, Time, Train Station, Trains Not Subway, Wednesday One-Liners

Not the Worst Place to End Up, Actually

Daughter: Dad, where are we getting off?
Father: Um…42nd Street…Times Square…Grand Central Parkway…something like that.
Daughter: 142nd street?
Father: Yeah, something like that.
(doors open for Penn Station)
Mother: I think we should get off here.
Father and daughter: Yeah.

–Uptown 2 Train

Posted on November 20, 2014
Dads, Default, Girls, Kids, Moms, NYC Geography, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Questions