Names

White girl on cell: Wait, you’re watching BET? Well, do you feel black and/or entertained?

–Union Square

Overheard by: Casey

Black guy: So you see, white bitches just don’t understand that I have a big ass penis.

–St. Mark’s

Teenage black girl: See those buildings over there? That’s where I stay. Yeah, it’s nice and shit. I like it. Too many white people moved in, though. That’s why I’m KKK…Krazy Kracker Killa!

–Uptown 1 train

Overheard by: aq

Black guy to white girl: You’d better not stay in the rain too long; sugar melts!

–117th & 5th

Overheard by: robin b

JAP: It’s not like I don’t like his parties, I just don’t fit in. Hello! I’m white!

–8th St & 5th Ave

Black guy: Well I have black friends, but they just don’t understand. You know what I’m sayin’? Certain races, dog.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Jess McGins

Ghetto girl: What was these two white bitches doing in Harlem at 2:30 in the morning? You know how white they was? They so white they names was Ashley and Haley. That’s how white they was!

–Uptown 5 train

Midwestern tourist points to a black guy and says, to his tween daughter: You see that guy over there? You see how he’s a different color than you? You see that sometimes in big cities.

–Downtown 6 train

Overheard by: Gwen

Black girl to black friend: Yo, man, you’re acting like a black person.

–N train, Ditmars Blvd, Queens

Juicer: Oh, shit! We got customers in the store! We gotta stop acting so black!

–Jamba Juice, University Place

Frustrated woman, who has been trying in vain to hail a cab: What am I, black?

–21st & 6th

Black girl to black friend: We never gonna get a cab unless we start hangin’ with some white folks.

–Orchard & Houston

Overheard by: white folk

Teenage girl: But Bob Dylan is Jewish. That’s kind of black.

–Upper West Side

Black girl: Why we gotta be black all the time? Why can’t we be white for two minutes?

–Wendy’s, W 34th St

JAP: I hate being white!

–66th & Broadway

White teen girl: Now I know what it feels like to be a minority.

–Chinatown

White woman to black woman: I feel like I understand the black struggle because I feel I was black in a past life.

–Penn Station

Thug on cell: Black people like catfish also, nigga!

–110th & Broadway

Overheard by: Mappy and Chocolate

Ghetto girl at crosswalk: Ooh, lil’ white man tells me to walk, so I’m walkin’!

–Times Square

Overheard by: bully

Girl #1: Everyone always criticizes my choice in men. I get so sick of it; there’s nothing wrong with Tom.
Girl #2: He looks like Hitler, he drools, he’s always whining and making high-pitched noises, and everyone keeps putting him down, and he never even stands up for himself.
Girl #1: He may be a total loser and a freak but he still has some redeeming qualities. Plus if I didn’t date him no one else would.
Tom: Thanks.

–Grand Central

Overheard by: Upstate Gambler

Girl #1: Hey, we gave your boyfriend a new nickname!
Girl #2: Oh yeah, what?
Girl #1: Puff the Magic Dragon!
Girl #2, slightly exasperated: Oh…is that because of his cock?

–Cheap Shots, East Village

Hipster girl: She was all, “Yeah, Betsy is my best friend,” and I was like, “Best friend? That is so fucking bourgeois.”

–L train

Girl: I know you made it. Look at you. You got a BlackBerry. Yeah, you made it. You got that good-smelling leather.

–Elevator, 12th & 5th

Overheard by: Thirsty Violet

Professor lady: Yes, we’ll be going into debt a lot as the semester goes on.

–Parsons School of Design

Overheard by: Ray

Teen boy: Anyone on this train wanna buy some candy? It’s not for a basketball team or something, it’s for me so I can buy more candy.

–2 train

Overheard by: Sarah

Intercom: Please take a headset before you get on the plane, because they’re free now. They’re actually free once you get on the plane, but I charge $50 labor for bringing them to you once you’re on. So it’s in your best interests to take one now. Can you tell I’m a happy person?

–LaGuardia

Chick: I’m not even gonna try applying for a Gap card; they’ll never give it to me. I don’t know what it is about Gap; they always know if you have bad credit.

–The Gap, 34th & Broadway

Overheard by: Dianora

Tween boy: What do you mean, I can’t get anything? I’m the one with a job.

–Key Food, Park Slope

Overheard by: Shack

Nancy Bass: I’m pleased to welcome David Foster Wallace to our store. Recently, in the New York Times, renowned reviewer Ma…cocoa… Kaku…chooni…?

Thereupon David Foster Wallace gave the thumbs up.

–The Strand

Philosophy professor: So you can see how the The Lord of the Rings did have some truths in it. Now, what was the ring called again, didn't it have a name or something? What was that?
Student, seriously: The precious.

–Fordham Lincoln Center

Headline by: Anna M

Runners-Up:
· “And, for Extra Credit: “What Has It Got in Its Pocketses?”” – Duncan Pflaster
· “Filthy Stupid Studentses!!!” – Parker
· “I Just Gollum Like I See ’em.” – sp
· “No, I Meant Its Elven Name” – MLL
· “The Professors Like Them Raw and Wriggling Here” – Alex
· “The Rest Of the Class Just Had to Learn to Tolerate the Smell Of Dead Fish and Dirty Loincloth” – James

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

White woman: Hi, are you Jermaine?
White male nurse: Do I look like a Jermaine to you?

–ER, Columbia Presbyterian

Overheard by: Ann

Headline by: Jared Rizzi

Runners-Up:
· “He’s Already Calling Himself Jasmine Before the Sex-Change Has Even Started.” – johnny-G
· “I’m Michael, Dammit!” – davey j.
· “My Name Tag Clearly Reads “Michael Jackson: Pediatrics”” – Matt T.
· “No, But How Many Male Nurses Are on Staff Here?” – Mike Duh Medic
· “You Look More Like an Asshole, but I Thought I’d Give You the Benefit Of the Doubt” – I never win

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Nanny #1: Who were you named after, Paulette?
Nanny #2: My father.
Nanny #1: Oh, what was his name?
Nanny #2: Ette.

–Washington Square Park

Guy #1: Remember that time last week when I like fucking killed Frank?
Guy #2: Huh?
Guy #1: When I fucking killed Frank?
Guy #2: Who?
Guy #1: Frank.
Guy #2: Oh, ha, ha! Priceless.

–Columbia University

Girl #1: Don’t laugh while I tell you this! Channel Chris Parnell!
Girl #2: Ha, ha, ha!…I’m sorry, I have to pull a Jimmy Fallon.

–Banc Cafe, 30th & 3rd