Wednesday One-Eyed-Trouser-Snake-Liners

Middle aged woman on cell: You will never see your penis again! No more penis! Is that punishment enough for you?

–82nd & Columbus Ave

Black man to friend: None of them jeans fit, cuz my cock is just too huge, nigga!

–Steve & Barrys, Mariners Harbor Staten Island

Overheard by: Samantha

Sister to brother leaning on her crossed leg: Excuse me, I feel like your pee-pee is resting on my foot.

–7 Train

Latina to friend: He did everything short of taking out his penis and smacking him with it!

–Jerome Ave, the Bronx

Chick: Man, I just feel like there are a lot of penises and penis information in my life lately.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Meister E.

Middle aged man on cell: But does she know about King Dong, the penis pump?

–Stuyvesant St, Manhattan

Posted on March 18, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Body Parts, Brothers, Clothing, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Crime and Punishment, Friends, Girls, Height, Latinos, Men, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Penis, Questions, Sex, Sisters, Staten Island, Street, Stuyvesant Town, The Bronx, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Violence, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Yet When We Insinuate That, We Get Angry Emails.

College girl: Yeah, it's “Soho,” south of Houston, and “Noho,” North of Houston. Though I guess that's kinda just the village.
College guy: That's what it means? Wow, I didn't know that! Wait, where does the other “o” come from?
College girl: Um…south, and Houston.
College guy: Oh, right. Well, I am from Jersey anyway. I don't even know nothing.

–1 Train

Overheard by: Nathan

Posted on March 14, 2009
B & T, Names, NYC Geography, On the Subway, Questions, Students

Mind If We Take a Photograph with You, Crazy Local Man?

Creepy local guy to tourist couple: Where are you guys from, are you from Boston?
Tourist man: No, we are from France.
Local guy: Oh, you're from France. I knew you were too good looking to be from Boston.

–1 Train

Overheard by: Nathan

Posted on March 13, 2009
Beauty, Couples, Creepsters, Foreigners, On the Subway, Questions, Tourism

Does This Wednesday Go to One-Liner Street?

Four-year old to his father, dreamily: Let's go on the u train! The beautiful u train!

–D Line

Overheard by: Caitlin

Ditzy girl to friend: I hope there's an exit at this station.

–96th St Station

Amiable suit, answering cell: Hi, hon. (pause) Well, I can't talk long–I have to drive this train.

–Amtrak, Penn Station

Overheard by: Rich Mintz

Little boy: Is this train going to move, or what?

–Transit Museum

Overheard by: Rita

MTA worker in booth, over intercom: Hello everyone. The cost to ride the subway is $2. Only $2. The woman in that blue leather jacket and red hat thinks it's free. If you are standing next to a woman in a blue leather jacket and a red hat, tell her she needs to pay her toll like everyone else.

–6 Train Station

Posted on March 11, 2009
9 to 5-ers, All Wednesday One-Liners, Beauty, Cars and Driving, Clothing, Dads, Free stuff!, Friends, Girls, Kids, Money & Class, More museums, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Penn Station, Public Transportation, Questions, Stupidity, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Suits, Wishes & desires

It's Wednesday– Do You Know Who Your One-Liner's With?

Young man to friend: So, about your girlfriend…I think she and I should fuck.

–Union Square West & 16th St

Street hawker selling datebooks: Wanna cheat on your husband? Plan it out! Get a daily planner, write it in red!

–Herald Square

Overheard by: MPW

Hipster teen girl to friend: Dude, don't worry about it. Whenever I want guys to cheat on their girlfriends with me I always just take off my pants and start singing Afroman.

–Mulberry St

Chick to friends: Seriously, it's a full-on dating service for married people. (pause) Like, adulterers.

–Broadway & Avenue of the Americas

Overheard by: Chuckles

Guy to another: Have you been cheating a lot? Does she know you're gay?

–6 Train

Hobo: So would all unhappily married women please step forward? I know there are some unhappily married women out there, and I'm willing to satisfy your needs. (pause) I know you're out there!

–Times Square

Overheard by: John

Posted on March 11, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Chinatown, Clothing, Dating, Friends, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Guys, Hipsters, Hobos, Infidelity, Lies, Marriage, Men, Offers and requests, On the Subway, One-liners, Parks, Questions, Sex, Singing, Street, Teens, Times Square, Union Square and East Village, Vendors & Street Performers, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Wednesday One-Liners Are Next to Godliness

Preppy girl to friend: Do you ever shower and shower and still not feel clean?

–Broadway b/w 112th & 113th

Overheard by: Ladle

Young thug to two women: Yo, you make me wanna take a shower.

–Penn Station

Large bald guy with shopping bag with laundry detergent in it: I got this bag at Foot Locker. Know what I am going to do with it? I am going to put laundry detergent in it. Isn't that a good idea?

–1 Train

Overheard by: Nathan

20-something guy to another: Dude, there's no way I'm tossing a salad unless I know–with absolute fucking certainty–its been freshly washed.

–Washington Square

Young woman on cell: And then he physically got in the shower with me…again!

–Spring St & Crosby St

Posted on March 11, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Cleanliness, Columbia University, Friends, Girls, Guys, Men, On Cell, On the Subway, Parks, Penn Station, Preppies, Questions, Shopping, Soho, Stupidity, Thugs, Vegetarian & Vegan, Washington Square Park, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

Wednesdays Will Let Go Of the One-Liners When They're Damn Good and Ready

Train conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, if you see the doors are closing, don't throw yourselves at them.

–Uptown 6 Train

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, use all train doors. This is not a high school cafeteria line. Use all doors!

–C Train

Conductor: Stand clear of the closing doors. Please. Folks, I am not kidding, stand clear of the closing doors. Unless you like that whole cut-in-half look, then go right ahead and stand in the way.

–Uptown A Train

Overheard by: queen

Conductor: We are not auditioning for any amateur doormen today. Please let go of the closing doors.

–1 Train

Overheard by: RG

Door controller: Ladies and gentlemen, if you keep the doors open we will be here till Christmas. So don't do it.

–Downtown 6 Train

Overheard by: Vedant

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen in the first car, please let the doors close. (people keep the doors open) Excuse me, please let the doors close. (people keep the doors open) Ladies and gentlemen, if you do not let the doors close, I will bite you. (doors close)

–Uptown 1 Train

Overheard by: amused passenger

Posted on March 11, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Compare/Contrast, Conductors, Offers and requests, On the Subway, One-liners, Passengers, Physical appearance, Public Transportation, Subway conductors, Threats, Time, Violence, Wednesday One-Liners

What Happens When You Give Your Kid a Book About the Digestive System

Mom, handing toddler a treat: Now what do you say?
Son: Poopy!

–1 Train

Posted on March 8, 2009
Kids, Moms, On the Subway, Poop, Questions, Should've Used a Condom

I Hear Yellow Jumpsuits Are Making a Comeback!

Hipster chick #1: I always loved that one reporter girl. What was her name?
Hipster chick #2: April, April O'Neil.
Hipster chick #1: Oh my god! Thank you!

–F Train

Overheard by: Master Splinter

Posted on March 8, 2009
Girls, Hipsters, Names, On the Subway, TV

Why It's Important Not to Teach Kids to Read

Little black girl staring at poster: What's “sy-nics”?
Old white guy: That's “cynics”. It means people who question everything.
Little black girl: Oh. (to her friend) You're a cynic!
Little black boy: Hey! I am not a cynic! Mom! She called me a cynic!

–V Train

Posted on March 7, 2009
Black People, Friends, Guys, Insults, Kids, On the Subway, White People, Words

On the Subway