Wednesday P.A.-Liners

Building fire safety supervisor, over intercom: Attention! This is your fire safety supervisor. The alarm you are hearing was accidentally triggered by a delivery person on the 18th floor. Repeat, the alarm was accidentally triggered. There is no fire. I will continue to keep you alarmed throughout the day.

–5th & 57th

Overheard by: Paul Tabachneck

MTA worker over intercom: Attention ladies and gentlemen, there is no n or r train service at this station. I repeat: no n or r train service at this station. (repeats this roughly a dozen times) You hear that? No trains. Not even half a train. No. Trains.

–59th & Lexington

Overheard by: was hoping there was a chance of a train…

Female announcer, with a little attitude: Attention people standing on the uptown local platform! Why are you standing there? No trains are stopping at that platform; they're all on the express track, like that c train stopping right now.

–34th St & 8th Ave

Overheard by: going downtown, thank you

Announcer: We would like to remind all passengers that there is no smoking on MTA platforms. Especially blunts. (guy smoking blunt in station leaves)

–High Street Station

Loudspeaker: Will James please come to the courtesy desk? Your wife is lost.

–Stop 'n' Shop, Staten Island

Overheard by: Emily

Posted on July 1, 2009
Accidents, All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Clerks, Family Ties, Fire, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Offers and requests, One-liners, Passengers, Public Transportation, Questions, Smoking, Staten Island, Store, Street, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Wednesday One-Liners

I Prefer to Think Of What I Do As Panhandling Express

Black guy wearing North Face: Listen up, people! I'ma need some money to buy a coat, cuz it's freezin out there! This coat that I'm wearin' ain't mine, it's my friend's. So I'ma need some money to buy a coat…yo, what stop is this?
Asian kid: Times Square.
Black guy: Okay…if you want to donate, you can't. Cause I gotta go, man.

–1 Train

Posted on June 28, 2009
Asians, Black People, Clothing, Guys, Kids, Money & Class, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Panhandling, Public Transportation, Questions, Weather, Weirdness

Next Thing I Know You'll Be Putting My Baby in the Corner!

Black woman with baby, after being pushed by white woman entering crowded subway: Do you not see the baby?
White woman: Yes, I saw the baby!
Black woman: No, you didn't, because you were pushing your titties on the baby!
(white woman ignores her)
Black woman to man next to her: You! Get yo ass out of my baby's face!

–F Train

Overheard by: What's a sombrero?

Posted on June 26, 2009
Ass, Babies, Black People, Crazy, Men, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Questions, Rack, White People, Women

Now Try That While Drinking a Glass Of Water

Conductor: If you want to go to Far Rockaway, you need to get off the train. (now in female voice) But why, conductor? (in normal voice) Cause it's the last stop you can do that. (pause) This is the train to L-L-L-L-L-L-Lefferts Blvd. Get off for Ffffffaaaaaarrrr Rockaway.

–A Train

Overheard by: Lonley Laugher

Posted on June 25, 2009
Conductors, Directions, On the Subway, Passengers, Public Transportation, Questions, Weirdness

Wednesday One-Liners Go Both Ways

Girl, to herself: What if my water breaks in an elevator? (laughs) Akwaaaaard!

–High School

Conductor, after announcement tone: By the way, this is not an elevator. Waving your bag in the door does absolutely nothing.

–6 Train

Overheard by: you tell 'em

Middle-aged woman, pushing "up" elevator button to another pushing "down" button: You know, I could never figure it out with elevators, do you press the button to tell the elevator to come to you, or do you press it to tell it where you want to go?

–Building, Midtown

Overheard by: Delish

Older usher at Empire State Building: Please step out of the elevator. And as Beyonce says, to the left. To the left!

–Empire State Building

Lady on cell, waiting in line: Oh really? Well, I had heard someone took a crap in a Manhattan elevator!

–Supermarket, The Bronx

Posted on June 24, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Clerks, Compare/Contrast, Conductors, Elevators, Empire State Building, Fast Times at New York High, Girls, Grocery Stores, Laughter, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Music, Old People, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Poop, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Public Transportation, Questions, The Bronx, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

We Should Probably Stop Hauling Them Around in Duffel Bags

Girl #1: Did that cab smell like something to you?
Girl #2: Yeah, it smelled like burgers.
Girl #1: I was going to say smelled like the refugees.
Girl #2: What the fuck?

–44th & 9th

Overheard by: penny

Posted on June 19, 2009
Compare/Contrast, Girls, Insults, Junk Food & Fast Food, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Public Transportation, Scents of the City, Sensory Experiences, Stupidity

Do Wednesday One-Liners Get Published on Saturdays?

Boss: Wait, can I ask a city girl question? Do butterflies come from caterpillars??

–Office, 8th Ave

Overheard by: kpan

Tall blond tourist looking at Egyptian artifacts: So, are these, like, all real artifacts, or like, what? Know what I mean?

–The Metropolitan Museum

Girl to station agent: Can I go the other direction from here?

–W 103rd St

Overheard by: Emily B.

Blonde bimbo: Skydiving…is that the one done on water?

–Jerome Avenue Line

Woman, looking around crowded waiting area: I wonder how many people here are waiting for a train?

–Waiting Area, Penn Station

Overheard by: Not from New Jersey

Woman in elevator, after bumping into Al Roker: Wasn't that Tom Brokaw?

–Fisk Building

Posted on June 17, 2009
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Bimbettes, Bosses, Clerks, Directions, Elevators, Girls, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Insects, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Office, On the Subway, One-liners, Penn Station, Public Transportation, Questions, Sports, Street, Stupidity, The Met, Tourists, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women, Words

Then She Pepper-Sprayed Me and Ran Off with the Book

Latina girl #1: Oh my god, I was, like, so excited for Christmas, 'cause I thought my cousin was gonna get me that ill jacket I saw at the mall but he got me… (pauses for effect)
Latina girl #2: Oh my god, whaaaat?
Latina girl #1: The Twilight series!
Latina girl #2: Oh my fucking god, are you serious?
Latina girl #1: Yeah! And I was like, “papi, I need a new bookshelf for my Twilight books, you know?
Latina girl #2: Yeahhhhh.
Latina girl #1: Yeah, so then he was like, “aight, I'm gonna get you that bookshelf.” It was sooo exciting.
Latina girl #2: Didn't you already have the first book?
Latina girl #1: Yeah, I did. But I lent it to Jean Carla, and she gave it back to me last week. Oh man, I'm so protective of it, and it got bent. I was on the train, trying to bend it back, and I was like so upset, and this lady came up to me and was like, “sweetie, you alright?” and I said, “no. I won't ever be alright.”

–N Train

Overheard by: No Longer A Twilight Fan

Posted on June 16, 2009
Books & Writing, Clothing, Family Ties, Gifts, Girls, Latinos, On the Subway, Parents, Public Transportation, Questions, Stupidity

And We'll Be There Shortly, Woman!

Male conductor: Due to the lateness of this train, the next stop will be Bay Parkway.
(pause)
Female conductor: The next stop will be 62nd Street.
Male conductor: This train will now run express. The next stop is Bay Parkway.
Female conductor: Con-duct-tor! The next…
Male conductor: Okay, okay. The next stop is 62nd Street.

–D Train

Overheard by: I hate the D train

Posted on June 15, 2009
Conductors, Directions, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Talking/Convos, Weirdness

People Are Drawn to Closing Doors, Like Moths to a Flame

Conductor, very loudly and emphatically: This is 28th Street. 34th Street is next, stand clear of the closing doors!
Four-year-old girl to mother: Why is he upset?

–Uptown 1 Train

Overheard by: mersayseh

Posted on June 13, 2009
Conductors, Directions, Kids, Moms, On the Subway, Parents, Public Transportation, Questions

Public Transportation

And We'll Be There Shortly, Woman!