Woman #1: Yeah, so I dropped my baggage off at my mother’s house the other day.
Woman #2: Are you going on a trip somewhere?
Woman #1: No, I just needed her to babysit for a while.
Woman #2: Babysit what? I don’t get it.
Woman #1: The children, dammit! The children!
Woman #2: Relax! At first you said baggage…Oh, I see now.
–Macy’s, Queens Center Mall
Conductor: Local, this is a 7 local. 33rd Street next.
Loudspeaker: Attention Flushing-bound 7 train. You are not a local. You are an express train. Your next stop is 61st-Woodside. Now let the people in and close your doors.
–Queensboro Plaza 7 station
Overheard by: and hearts semicolon
Guy on pay phone: Hey Tom, it’s Jerry.
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Matthew Suss
Guy: You know, for a hundred dollars, you can get that old mink stole
made into a teddy bear!
–M104 bus
Overheard by: Ron Caldwell
Blind man: Come on, follow me.
–Woodlawn
Girl #1: Can you believe her? It drives me nuts!
Girl #2: Do you remember back when you were 17? You were just as bad.
Girl #1: No, I wasn’t. I didn’t walk around saying I was that hot. I may have been bad about other things, but I didn’t say I was God’s gift to everyone.
Girl #2: You were the most conceited person I knew.
Girl #1: Was not. And what the fuck do you have to bring that up and throw it in my face for? God…Forget it, I am not helping you with your Green Card.
–Queens Center Mall
Little girl #1: He took out everything after we bought the house. The refrigerator, the stove, the toilet…
Little girl #2: Was he Korean? I mean, I’m Korean but that sounds so Korean.
Little girl #1: Nah, he was Italian.
Little girl #2: Koreans, Italians, French…no difference.
–Flushing
White guy: Dude, I’m going to be the only non-Asian at this party.
Asian guy: No, man, there are going to be tons of Koreans there.
–6 train
Overheard by: Elisabeth
Girl #1: Oh no, I can feel my pulse in my neck!
Girl #2: You can always feel your pulse in your neck, douchebag.
Girl #1: No, but it’s, like, really strong.
–Washington Square Park
Bag lady: I have osteoporosis.
Hobo: Ostoprognosis? Is that serious?
Bag lady: Well, I might die from it. It makes you boneless. I have no bones. Like a Perdue chicken.
Hobo: So it turns you into a skeleton!
–2 train
Guy: I wish I could turn my fat into gold.
–18th & 5th
Overheard by: basselope
Old cashier lady: Sixteen years ago they gave me 72 hours to live. I only have three arteries in my heart.
Old customer lady: How many are you supposed to have?
Old cashier lady: Four.
Old customer lady: Oh. That’s not that bad…
–Stop and Shop, Astoria
Overheard by: Dan
Ghetto girl #1: …so I was talkin’ to that guy and his accent was so fuckin’ hot–guys from there have accents for whatever–and I’m like, “Yo, why you got an accent? You only live like 20 miles away.” I was like, “Nigga, what the fuck is up with havin’ an accent and bein’ from Louisiana?” He then be lookin’ at me like I swallowed my own piss.
Ghetto girl #2: You so stupid. His accent be the thing that make you want him. You so stupid. Know why? I don’t think he even had an accent; you probably thought he was from Jamaica or something. Just because he black. You a bad liar too. People from Louisiana can’t have accents. That’s for people from different parts of the world, like the Canadians in Europe. Canada’s such a fuckin’ weird country, but they got hot accents. If you from Louisiana, you sound just like you do if you from New York, and if you from New Jersey. If you from Canada, you sound mad different, because it’s on the other side.
Ghetto girl #1: Well nah, I knew Canada was overseas…but they ain’t got accents. I’m tellin’ ya though, this fuckin’ Louisiana guy has a fuckin’ accent…and it’s not even as far as Canada…Louisiana is a drive away; it’s fuckin’ nuts. I just wish I could make out with him so that I could feel his fuckin’ Louisiana lips, but then I guess I be wrong, he can’t be from Louisiana. So I guess I’ma dream of kissin’ him when we be in Canada. It’s across the world and great.
Bystander guy: The sad thing about this is that you two will probably become teachers.
–Queens Plaza station
Teen boy #1: Whoa, you know what I just realized? ATM is MTA backwards.
Teen boy #2: What’s MTA?
–Flushing
