Hoochie: I think that’s a D-list actor!
Queer: Really? What’s his name?
Hoochie: Ummm, I don’t know. Maybe he isn’t an actor. Do I know him?
Queer: How would you know him?
Hoochie, yelling to guy: Did I give you a blow job?!
—Marie Antoinette screening, Lincoln Square theatre
Overheard by: Madame T
Negligent mom: He’s a little boy — that’s what he’s supposed to do! They have penises so they can wave them around!
–Danice, 125th & 8th
Overheard by: Tammy Scumbag
Guy: You think I don’t have one? You think I don’t have one?! I will flash everyone on this train!
–6 train
Black man to girlfriend: Why you tellin’ everybody ’bout mah dick for? Oh, you sad now? Well, stop tellin’ everybody ’bout mah dick!
–Staten Island
Overheard by: Against Marj
Little kid waiting to cross street: Owww, my wiener!
–Times Square
Overheard by: Sandy
Queer: Rocky got hard during ‘Touch me, touch me’ because Janet would rub all over him and he was straight… And in those little yellow shorts you could see his penis grow like a torpedo.
–1 train
Overheard by: Smirking Minnesotan
Professor, about ancient Greek theater: Lots of padding, lots of masks, lots of… phalluses.
–Columbia University
Queer #1: Hey, are you a faggot?
Queer #2: Yeah, I’m a faggot.
–Marie’s Crisis Piano Bar, West Village
Old queer #1: Don’t pull out your money here!
Old queer #2, putting wallet away: I’ll do what I want!
–42nd & 6th
Overheard by: Chris Cardinal
Man on cell: I had never used a dildo before, you know? It’s just never come up, I guess. So I think, ‘Okay, I’m not that young anymore — I’ll take what I can get…’ and it was going fine, but then I didn’t know you’re not supposed to shove it in that fast…
–14th St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Peter L
Dude on cell: Why would I get the pink one? It’s not a dildo, it’s a back massager from Duane Reade.
–Christopher & 7th
Girl: I’ve got my Reisens and my vibrator, and I’m all set!
–Duane Reade, Montague & Court, Brooklyn
Young woman turning to male friend: So, bud, conquered any good buttplugs lately?
–6 train
Girl whispering: I think that girl in line behind me just read this text about rubber pussy cups!
–Victoria’s Secret dressing room
20-something guy to pals at brunch: I’m tired of being the guy with all the good sex toys!
–56th & 9th
Queer #1: Skinny is out. Fat is in.
Queer #2: Skinny is never out. Anorexic… is out.
–TJ Maxx, Chelsea
Overheard by: Ferris
Fag hag: Nuh-uh! She say yo’ mama old?
Young and fabulous latino: Shiiit. I was like, ‘Don’ even start with me, aiight? My mama had me whe she was 14! She was all like, ‘Uh… Uh…’ pushin’ me outta her pussy like I was hot!’
–6 train
Overheard by: Goofopet
The most flamingly queer man in history: I ain’t sittin’ down, I don’t wanna touch nothin’. This place is a cesspool.
Sexually ambiguous friend: Baby, you’ll take it bareback, bent over in a bar bathroom, but you won’t take a damn seat?
–C train
Chipper male hairstylist: Hi! Did you miss me?
Female hairstylist, intense: I thought about you every day…
Chipper male hairstylist: You know I’m gay, right?
–34th & Lex
Overheard by: Snidely
Queer waiter: Hey! I have a question for you! If Santa came to you on Christmas Eve and told you that you were on the naughty list, and the only way to get off the naughty list is to give him a blowjob, what would you do?
Ditzy waitress: Like, oh my god, I would so give Santa a blowjob.
Queer waiter: See, I love you! This is why we are friends.
–Olive Garden
