Tourist #1, looking at subway exits: North side or south side?
Tourist #2: What's the difference?
Tourist #1: Well north is north…and south is south.
(both look from one exit to the next and look at each other)
Passing New Yorker: Are you going uptown or downtown?
Tourist #1, thinking: Hmmmm….west.
New yorker: West of 8th…but uptown or downtown? West side of what street?
Tourist #1: Hmm… West side of…23rd Street?
New Yorker, walking away: You don't know what the hell you're doing.
–23rd St
Woman pointing south: What street is that way?
Man: Um, all of them.
–Central Park Mall
Random passerby to man whose bulldog is urinating in garbage bag: He's a good dog!
Dog owner: Yes, he is!
Random passerby: Be careful, though, he could kill you.
Dog owner: Oh, he totally could.
–11th St & Ave A
Overheard by: Nina
20-something: Well, what are we going to do tonight if the movie is sold out?
Black comedy slinger, overhearing: See a comedy show!
20-something: No, that's okay.
Black comedy slinger: It's cool, I never killed anyone.
20-something: We're alright.
Black comedy slinger: And I love white people.
20-something: We're not tourists…
Black comedy slinger: Oh, okay. Want a piggyback ride?
–44th & Broadway
Overheard by: Robert B
Old guy on mountain bike: (makes Chewbacca-like noise into the service window of a pizzeria)
Unseen person across the street: (same noise)
Old guy on bike to pizzeria worker: See?
–5th Ave, Sunset Park
Overheard by: B. Clothman
Passenger to Asian girl carrying strange bag: Is that a didgeridoo in your bag?
Asian girl: Excuse me?
Passenger: Is that a didgeridoo in you bag?
Asian girl: Oh no, it's my sword.
–Elevator, 39th St
Overheard by: Baby Dinosaur
Middle-aged woman: My work is better than my personality, honestly.
–40th b/w Park & Madison
Overheard by: Jim
Girl on cell: But you don't speak English or Spanish good. Baby, you just aren't that smart, how you supposed to get a job?
–Baskin & Robbins Downtown
Conductor: I really don't give a damn whether or not you stand clear of the closing doors, because regardless of where we go I'm still working.
–1 Train
Overheard by: gefilte fish junkie
Hobo, arguing with another: Don't talk to me like I'm yo' job.
–Harlem
Overheard by: Emily
Whiny lady on cell: Yeah, so I think I am allergic to my office. (pause) Oh, no, no, I am positive I am allergic to something in the office. Every time I am in there, sitting in my chair, I get these pains in my back.
–41st St & Park Ave
Overheard by: you still have a job, ungrateful lady!
Hobo to passers-by: Where are you all going? There ain't no jobs.
–Union Square
Overheard by: Jillian
Magician, after doing awesome trick: Well, do you believe in magic now?
Crowd: Yeah!
Magician: Really? Well, then you might just as well believe in Jesus.
–NYU
Little boy to random man: I'm going to go see South Pacific with my daddy.
Random man: That's something you don't say in public!
–Times Square
Hobo to long-haired hipster playing around with remote-control car: Get a job, asshole!
–Norfolk & Rrivington, Lower East Side
Overheard by: globalvillageidiot
Hobo to passerby: Hey, wanna cum on my ass?
–72nd St & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Rei
Hobo to girl giving him money: Not too much, gorgeous!
–13th St & University
Hobo: What time is bedtime at the Neverland ranch? When the big hand touches the little hand! (pause) Why does Michael Jackson like twenty-seven year olds? Because there's twenty of them!
–1 Train
Bag lady, screaming and chasing a suit: You muthafucka, you stole my 401k! I'ma getchya and take it back!
–52nd & 6th
Overheard by: Get me out of Finance
