Uncle Tom’s Wednesday One-Liners

Short, fat sista: If she was only around my age, then I wouldn’t mind a slave for life.

–27th & 7th

Overheard by: tuna on rye

White guy in scrubs: Wow. Now I know what it felt like to be in the bottom of a slave ship.

–Crowded Franklin Ave 2/3/4/5 platform, Brooklyn

Overheard by: pmd

Punk girl to friend: I’m going to make him my Ukrainian sex slave!

–N 4th St & Driggs Ave

Overheard by: Hipsterrrrrs

Dude: Yeah, well, let me say this in English — she got arrested for selling people…

–Madison Square Garden

Black girl watching Asian girl mop floor: Slavery is back!

–NYFA, Union Square

Overheard by: kswin

Posted on March 19, 2008
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Compare/Contrast, Crime and Punishment, Default, Doctors, Fat People, Foreigners, Girls, Global Geography, Guys, History & Geography, Madison Square Garden, Penn Station, Punks, S&M, The Bronx, Union Square and East Village, White People, Women

Wednesday One-Liners: More Than Just a Hippie Musical

Thug to friends: Yo, it’s not like I’m gay! Just… the kid had some nice hair!

–Ave M, Q train stop

Overheard by: LoRna

Teen boy: Yo, near the pubic hair, son… That shit is phat!

–Southern Blvd, Bronx

Overheard by: E.J.

Seven-year-old blonde to friend: … And if you get it in your hair, you lose all your points!

–Washington Square West

Overheard by: SELENA

Asian 30-something on cell: Well, he doesn’t have any hair, so he better be good-looking.

–13th & 6th

Chick on cell: Masochistic hair to go with a masochistic gal. Aw!

–Columbia University

Overheard by: McFreaky

Subway performer, finishing barbershop-quartet style song: We’d like to wish you all a beautiful afternoon. If any of you happen to run into Condoleezza Rice, please tell her we’ve got a sista in Harlem waitin’ to do her hair.

–R train

Overheard by: Marisa

Posted on March 12, 2008
Asians, Body Parts, Boys, Columbia (& Barnard), Compliments, Default, Girls, Gripes, Hair, Kids, On Cell, On the Subway, Politics, Psychology, Sexuality, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Teens, The Bronx, Thugs, Washington Square Park, West Village

Like Chinese, but All the Fortunes Say, “You Will Major in Engineering”

Asian kid #1: I haven’t eaten Chinese food in so long…
Asian kid #2: You don’t eat Chinese food at home?
Asian kid #1: No… I eat Korean food.

–Bronx Science

Overheard by: Lillian

Headline by: noodle

Runners-Up:
· “Ever Since the Animal Shelter Opened Next Door…” – KJM
· “If Your Mom Had Herpes, You’d Order Takeout Too.” – Asian kid #3
· “My Mom’s Trying This Whole “diversity” Thing” – micheleneous
· “The Difference Is in the Cats!” – kerm
· “Your Mom Doesn’t Count” – BSchmidt

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Posted on February 25, 2008
Asians, Comebacks, Ethnic Food, Headline Contest Winners, Kids, The Bronx

Well, They Are Crackers

Dark-skinned immigrant: I had oral sex with two white women. My first time with white women.
Friend: How was it?
Dark-skinned immigrant: Ummm… Salty.

–Supreme Court, Bronx

Overheard by: Big Larry

Posted on February 4, 2008
Eating Out, Foreigners, Race, The Bronx

Also His Answer to “How Are You?” and “Some Weather, Huh?”

Guy #1: So, what year did you graduate from school?
Guy #2: Harvard.

–Snooty party, Bronx

Overheard by: Ladle

Posted on January 5, 2008
Guys, Questions, The Bronx

Penis Envy

Teen girl #1: She was like a fucking sausage.
Teen girl #2: Yeah?
Teen girl #1: Yeah.
Teen girl #2: What a bitch.

–Duane Reade, Bronx

Posted on December 17, 2007
Insults, Teens, The Bronx

And the Cocaine in My Anus Is Starting to Sting

Five-year-old girl: Uncle Joey, we need to move!
30-something uncle: Why? What’s the matter?
Five-year-old girl: There’s cops over there… We gotta move before you get arrested again… [Whispers] You’re still on probation, right?

–139th St, near 40th Precinct, Bronx

Overheard by: What are we teaching our kids?

Posted on November 17, 2007
Advice, Crime and Punishment, Kids, The Bronx

I’m in No Position to Find Her Morally Objectionable

Frumpy Asian guy: She’s a Hitler-lover.
Tall Aryan guy: I don’t care about the Hitler-lover thing as long as she’s hot. [High fives are exchanged.]

–Fordham University Rose Hill, Bronx

Posted on August 5, 2007
Asians, Beauty, Dating, Guys, Hitler/Nazis, Nazis, The Bronx

And Inexplicably Looove Titanic

Dude #1: The Japanese can’t be that racist!
Dude #2: All I’m saying is, drop another couple of nukes on them and they’re still going to hate the blacks.

–Eastchester & Morris Park, Bronx

Posted on July 22, 2007
Assholes, Fighting and ass kicking, Global Geography, Gripes, Guys, History & Geography, Race, The Bronx, Violence, War

Wednesday Blood-Liners

British lady: It must have eaten some rat poison, because it vomited up its innards and then had just enough strength left to crawl to the door before dying in a dainty pool of blood.

–1 train

Teacher to girl who just cut herself with Exacto knife: Would you stop leaking?! Your blood is going to stain the linoleum!

–Bronx Science engineering class

Overheard by: LSB

Suit on cell: Why isn’t it done? Why isn’t it fucking done? Was it your intention to make my ass bleed today? Was it?

–41st & Broadway

Girl: My grandma always washes my bloody underwear.

–1 train

Guy to girlfriend: Your hair tastes like fake blood.

–Mulberry St

Overheard by: Ashley

Teen chick on cell: I’m going to cut my arm tonight to show you how much I love you! Yes! I’m going to cut it off! Yes! I’m going to wipe all the blood on a napkin and give it to you. How much blood there is is how much I love you… Yes! I! Am! Well, I can’t think of another way to show you how much I love you. I have to prove it somehow! Oh, I have another call, I gotta go.

–Staten Island Ferry Terminal

Overheard by: still recovering

Hobo, taking long drink from water fountain: Ahhh, water is good! It tastes like blood!

–Port Authority

Overheard by: Oh My God

Posted on July 4, 2007
All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Ass, Blood & bleeding, Body Parts, Boyfriends, Bronx Science, Business and Commerce, Classroom, Cleanliness, Clothing, Crazies, Death, Family Ties, Foreigners, Girlfriends, Hobos, Little Italy, Love, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, On the Subway, Port Authority, School, School and studying, Science, Staten Island Ferry, Students, Suits, Teachers/Professors, Teens, The Bronx, Vomit

The Bronx