Send in the Wednesday One-Liners

Ghetto kid at a carnival: Man, that wasn’t no clown. That was just someone dressed like a clown!

–P.S. 218, The Bronx

Overheard by: Children are the future

Fourteen-year-old black girl to friend: You should have thrown a brick at a clown and seen the blood. You would have loved that.

–7th Ave Street Fair, Park Slope

Overheard by: send in the clowns

Little girl, pointing at obvious pimp: Look mommy, look! A clown!

–Brooklyn

Janitor to clown post-show: Everybody loves clowns. Even Bill Gates!

–Barnum & Bailey Circus

Slightly crazed looking man to well-dressed blonde chick: For $300 you’ll get a clown and a playboy bunny!

–E4th & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: I might consider paying up

Posted on April 30, 2008
9 to 5-ers, About Celebrities, Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Blood & bleeding, Brooklyn, Clothing, Compare/Contrast, Crazies, Family Ties, Friends, Girls, Jobs & Careers, Kids, Money & Class, Offers and requests, Park Slope, Physical appearance, Street, Teens, The Bronx, Thugs, Tourist Attractions, Union Square and East Village, Violence, Weirdness

George Washington Said Something about My Momma

Cashier: That comes out to $5.50.
[Man hands cashier a $5 with a hole in it.]Cashier: Uh, do you have anything better? You know without a hole in it?
Man: Naw, I got mad at it so I shot it.
Cashier: Ah, totally understandable.

–McDonald’s, Bronx

Posted on April 17, 2008
Anger Management, Cashiers, Customers, Men, Money & Class, Offers and requests, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Shoot, The Bronx

The Creationists Are Going to Love This One

Ghetto girl: Hey, look! What’s that? I think it’s an egg!
Friend: What the hell?! What’s wrong with you? Monkeys don’t lay eggs!
Ghetto girl: … Well, how was I supposed to know that?!

–Bronx Zoo, Jungle World

Overheard by: cracking up behind them

Posted on March 28, 2008
Animals & Nature, Default, Education, Friends, Ghetto Chicks, Questions, Stupidity, The Bronx

Uncle Tom’s Wednesday One-Liners

Short, fat sista: If she was only around my age, then I wouldn’t mind a slave for life.

–27th & 7th

Overheard by: tuna on rye

White guy in scrubs: Wow. Now I know what it felt like to be in the bottom of a slave ship.

–Crowded Franklin Ave 2/3/4/5 platform, Brooklyn

Overheard by: pmd

Punk girl to friend: I’m going to make him my Ukrainian sex slave!

–N 4th St & Driggs Ave

Overheard by: Hipsterrrrrs

Dude: Yeah, well, let me say this in English — she got arrested for selling people…

–Madison Square Garden

Black girl watching Asian girl mop floor: Slavery is back!

–NYFA, Union Square

Overheard by: kswin

Posted on March 19, 2008
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Compare/Contrast, Crime and Punishment, Default, Doctors, Fat People, Foreigners, Girls, Global Geography, Guys, History & Geography, Madison Square Garden, Penn Station, Punks, S&M, The Bronx, Union Square and East Village, White People, Women

Wednesday One-Liners: More Than Just a Hippie Musical

Thug to friends: Yo, it’s not like I’m gay! Just… the kid had some nice hair!

–Ave M, Q train stop

Overheard by: LoRna

Teen boy: Yo, near the pubic hair, son… That shit is phat!

–Southern Blvd, Bronx

Overheard by: E.J.

Seven-year-old blonde to friend: … And if you get it in your hair, you lose all your points!

–Washington Square West

Overheard by: SELENA

Asian 30-something on cell: Well, he doesn’t have any hair, so he better be good-looking.

–13th & 6th

Chick on cell: Masochistic hair to go with a masochistic gal. Aw!

–Columbia University

Overheard by: McFreaky

Subway performer, finishing barbershop-quartet style song: We’d like to wish you all a beautiful afternoon. If any of you happen to run into Condoleezza Rice, please tell her we’ve got a sista in Harlem waitin’ to do her hair.

–R train

Overheard by: Marisa

Posted on March 12, 2008
Asians, Body Parts, Boys, Columbia (& Barnard), Compliments, Default, Girls, Gripes, Hair, Kids, On Cell, On the Subway, Politics, Psychology, Sexuality, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Teens, The Bronx, Thugs, Washington Square Park, West Village

Like Chinese, but All the Fortunes Say, “You Will Major in Engineering”

Asian kid #1: I haven’t eaten Chinese food in so long…
Asian kid #2: You don’t eat Chinese food at home?
Asian kid #1: No… I eat Korean food.

–Bronx Science

Overheard by: Lillian

Headline by: noodle

Runners-Up:
· “Ever Since the Animal Shelter Opened Next Door…” – KJM
· “If Your Mom Had Herpes, You’d Order Takeout Too.” – Asian kid #3
· “My Mom’s Trying This Whole “diversity” Thing” – micheleneous
· “The Difference Is in the Cats!” – kerm
· “Your Mom Doesn’t Count” – BSchmidt

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Posted on February 25, 2008
Asians, Comebacks, Ethnic Food, Headline Contest Winners, Kids, The Bronx

Well, They Are Crackers

Dark-skinned immigrant: I had oral sex with two white women. My first time with white women.
Friend: How was it?
Dark-skinned immigrant: Ummm… Salty.

–Supreme Court, Bronx

Overheard by: Big Larry

Posted on February 4, 2008
Eating Out, Foreigners, Race, The Bronx

Also His Answer to “How Are You?” and “Some Weather, Huh?”

Guy #1: So, what year did you graduate from school?
Guy #2: Harvard.

–Snooty party, Bronx

Overheard by: Ladle

Posted on January 5, 2008
Guys, Questions, The Bronx

Penis Envy

Teen girl #1: She was like a fucking sausage.
Teen girl #2: Yeah?
Teen girl #1: Yeah.
Teen girl #2: What a bitch.

–Duane Reade, Bronx

Posted on December 17, 2007
Insults, Teens, The Bronx

And the Cocaine in My Anus Is Starting to Sting

Five-year-old girl: Uncle Joey, we need to move!
30-something uncle: Why? What’s the matter?
Five-year-old girl: There’s cops over there… We gotta move before you get arrested again… [Whispers] You’re still on probation, right?

–139th St, near 40th Precinct, Bronx

Overheard by: What are we teaching our kids?

Posted on November 17, 2007
Advice, Crime and Punishment, Kids, The Bronx