Birthday One-Liners

20-something guy on cell: My girlfriend's birthday is tomorrow. (pause) I don't know. Maybe a bong.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Steve Popovich

Girl to friend: I just wanted to hook up with him because we had the same birthday.

–8th St & 5th Ave

Rent cast member (shouting over shoulder): I turn 34 on Friday, I'm old but at least I made it past Jesus.

–Nederlander Theatre

Woman arguing loudly with her mother in the laundromat: My 30th birthday is gonna be ruined if we don't go to the wax museum!

–4th Ave & 14th St, Brooklyn

Guy handing out New York Post: Grab your free copy of New York Post, it's free, it's free! Oh, and happy birthday to me today, thank you very much for remembering it! Oh, what a lovely day…

–42nd & Madison

Overheard by: Eve

Posted on May 20, 2015
Actors, Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Birthdays, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Fashion, Free stuff!, Friends, Gifts, Girls, Guys, Happiness, Hook Ups, Jesus, Laundromat, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, On Cell, One-liners, Penn Station, Street, The Village, Theater, Vendors & Street Performers, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

I See Your Chick-Fil-A and Raise You a Taco Bell

Toddler: Mommy, this bathroom is dirtyyy! Mommy? What’s the cleanest place in the world?
Mother: I don’t know, that’s a good question.
Toddler: Well, I know that the dirtiest place ever, ever, ever, ever, ever is Chick-Fil-A.

–Restroom, Lunt-Fontanne Theatre

Overheard by: Not eating at Chick-Fil-A anymore

Posted on May 17, 2015
Cleanliness, Compare/Contrast, Favorites, Junk Food & Fast Food, Kids, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Parents, Stall Spies, Theater

Their Snacks Were Taken Away, and They Were Both Given a Time-Out

Young man with wife: Excuse me, miss, do you mind moving over one so we can sit together?
Angry black woman: No, no, no, no. I paid to be here, I can sit wherever I damn well please!
Man overhearing conversation: What is your problem, lady?
Angry black woman: Shut up! I can do whatever I want! I paid to be here!
Young man: I curse you, lady!
Angry black woman: What? You curse me? You can't curse me! You ain't god! You ain't nothin'! Well guess what, I reverse the curse on you, fool!

–Loews Theatre, 42nd St

Posted on May 10, 2015
Black People, Couples, Guys, Insults, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, Theater

Thirty Years Late in Some Cases

Tourist woman #1: I don’t understand why people are laughing at everything the characters say.
Tourist woman #2: I know! I think most people are just getting most of the jokes late.

—Spamalot, Shubert Theatre

Overheard by: sara

Posted on May 2, 2015
Stupidity, Theater, Tourists

Wednesday One-Liners Prove That Nowhere Is Safe from Our Spies

Exasperated mother to child in toilet stall: Hurry up and poop!

–Ladies’ Restroom, Penn Station

Overheard by: Betsy

[Girl is taking a piss in bathroom, friend shuts off lights.]Girl: Biiitch! You know my pussy don’t glow in the dark!

–Williamsburg, Brooklyn

Lady in bathroom stall: [Grunts, groans grunts again.] [Pause.] Oh my god, I peed on the floor!

–Sheraton Hotel

Overheard by: Morgan

Hungover senior, chanting loudly over sound of own urination in bathroom: Allllllllll riiighty thennnnnnn! Ahhhhhhhh!

–SVA Animation Department

Overheard by: Laughing

Man farting at urinal, to friend at urinal next to him: Hey, man, what do you think about piss farts?

–Kimmel Center, NYU

Overheard by: JO in Bobst

Girl: I’m not looking. I don’t want to see your vagina. Even if we are family.

–AMC Theater Restroom, Times Square

Overheard by: wondering what’s going on in the next stall

[Horrific sounds heard in adjacent stall for 3 minutes.]Co-worker, yelling: "I’m sorry, I had milk!"

–Office bathroom, 31st Street

Posted on May 1, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Apologies, Cleanliness, Coworkers, Family Ties, Farting & Burping, Girls, Hotels, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, NYU, Offers and requests, Parents, Pee, Penn Station, Poop, Questions, Stall Spies, Students, Theater, Times Square, Vagina, Weirdness, Williamsburg, Wishes & desires, Women, Words

Straight Women Think Drag Queens Are Happy Meals With Toys Inside

Woman #1: It must be all in French!
Woman #2: Oh, drag queens!

–Shubert Alley

Overheard by: Zach

Posted on April 20, 2015
Language Barrier, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Sexuality, Stupidity, Theater, Women

Afterwards I Proclaim, “You've Been Morty-fied!”

Woman: Morty is a great actor, you just wouldn't know it.
Morty: Yeah, I fake it in bed.

–Connelly Theatre, E 4th

Posted on April 20, 2015
Actors, Compliments, Fakes, Theater, Theater & Dance, Union Square and East Village, Women

That’s about As Hot As I Can Take

Young college guy: Tell me about your friend. Is she hot?
Girl: She sings sea shanties and goes to Brown.
Young college guy: I’ll marry her.

–La Mama, ETC

Overheard by: sagacious man

Posted on April 12, 2015
Friends, Pickiness, Theater

At Last, Someone Who Shares My Passion!

Girl in line: And that’s when I told him that if he’s going to keep masturbating in a glass box, at least I shouldn’t have to… (stops, realizing everyone is listening)
Guy in line to friend: That is so going in my blog.

–Kimmel Center, NYU

Posted on April 8, 2015
Default, Etiquette, Girls, Guys, Internet, Masturbation, NYU, Offers and requests, Theater, Washington Square Park

…That Sounded a Lot Better in My Head.

Boyfriend to girlfriend who just took his hand during encore: One song and then you turn all lovey dovey!
Girlfriend: Fine! Give me back my hand!
Boyfriend: No! I like making you do things you don't want to do!

–Radio City Music Hall

Posted on March 30, 2015
Body Parts, Couples, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Music, Theater, Wishes & desires