Union Square and East Village

Or Ugly People… Still You.

Woman digging through scarves: Do you think these are for older people?
Male pal: Yes, for older people. For you.

–The Met store

Overheard by: akka

Headline by: Stretchen

Runners-Up:
· “Definetely In The Friend Zone” – Dion
· “Never Insult a Woman with a Perfect Choking Device” – Megan
· “No One Said Ashton Kutcher Was Bright” – punk’d
· “That’s It. I’m Leaving My Teeth in Next Time I Blow You.” – laladypoet
· “They Help Catch the Drool” – Dan
· “Well That’s the Last He’ll See Of the Sagging Sisters” – L

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

As Long as We Maintain a Sense of Smug Superiority, We’ll Make It

Blonde #1: You know her parents are letting her study abroad next semester?
Blonde #2: Really? Where?
Blonde #1: Ummm, this place that’s near, like… Russia. Like, in China?
Blonde #2: Japan?
Blonde #1: No. Well, yeah, Japan’s in China, but that’s not the one she’s going to.
Blonde #2: India!
Blonde #1: No, but oh my god I totally just remembered! It’s New Zealand!
Blonde #2: New Zealand’s not in Russia, it’s in Australia, stupid.
Brunette passerby: I fear for this planet.

–Astor Place

Overheard by: MistressSilver

You Put That in Your Wednesday One-Liner?

Woman, to friend: he was so excited, I thought his butt plug was going to shoot out of his ass.

–Spring Street and 6th St

Overheard by: Sarah O.

Dude in fur coat and construction boots: My mom asked me if I had a razor in my butt…

–Downtown ‘1’ Train

Husband to wife:
I can’t believe you just put your finger up my butt hole!

–Grand Central Terminal

Overheard by: bonifacia

Transvestite prostitute: I just got off my second and last date tonight… Man paid me 4 bills to stick my fingers in his booty.

–Meat-packing District

Overheard by: Erin

Guy on cell: you have to get drunk enough not to puke, but enough to take the piece of glass into your ass!

–Bleeker & Barrow

Overheard by: ivy270

Guy on cell phone passing by: normally when you say that, my asshole starts puckering!

–Union Square

Christianity, Everybody’s Favorite S&M Religion

Guy to girlfriend, watching Easter Passion procession, complete with Christ carrying cross: Oh my god, they’re whipping him! That’s great, that’s brilliant… I love this neighborhood.

–12th St & Ave A

Overheard by: Porkido

Wednesday One-liners Smoke ‘Em if They Got ‘Em

Girl on cell: Hello?…Hi. Sorry about that…Yeah, I was getting bothered…a transvestite who wanted a cigarette…yeah, then she growled at me.

–4th Street & 2nd Avenue

Would You Like Me to Hit You in the Face?

Drunk girl: So, how have you been doing lately?
Jewish guy: Oh, fine, I guess. I’m just — ugh — like, so sick of having to play the part of the Jewish fucking intellectual who likes to go see plays. I hate fucking seeing plays. I would rather get hit in the face than go see a play. I’m sick of having to lie to my Jewish friends when they ask me, ‘Oh, have you seen that new play?’ And I have to say, ‘No, but I want to go see it!’ I don’t want to go see the fucking play!
Drunk girl: Hmmm… Yeah, that is rough.

–E 3rd & 2nd

It Told Me to Kill My Neighbor

Man: …I’m a real East Village type of guy. I mean, I have a bird that talks.

–East Village

Wednesday One-Liners Do Not Pass “Go”; Do Not Collect $200

Guy: I don’t think you’re supposed to like being incarcerated.

–St. Mark’s Place

Overheard by: mkb

Middle-aged man on phone: I’m telling you, if I turn myself in now I won’t be in court for six months.

–50th & 8th

Grungy guy to his friend: …Dude, you have no idea how many times I’ve been in this courthouse…

–Giants Parade, in Front of the Courthouse

Overheard by: Julian

Guy on phone: We really got ourselves in some deep shit with this one. I hope he gets out sooner for good behavior. We should have never gotten involved.

–JFK Airport

Woman, yelling in stall: I will read you your Miranda rights, bitch! I will arrest you!

–Port Authority Women’s Bathroom

Overheard by: unsure if she is crazy or on the phone

Cashier on phone: No, you don’t understand, miss. That is perjury. If I do that, I will go to jail… No, you are not listening to me. I would be arrested. I would serve time…[hangs up, turns to customers.] Can I help you?

–Harlem U-Haul

See? Saw!

Mother, pointing to a woman playing the musical saw: She is singing!
Son: No, She’s playing the saw.
Mother: There is an orchestra playing!
Son: It is a tape.
Mother: And she is singing?
Son. No. She is sawing.
Mother: What did you say?
Son: Go, have a look.
Mother: …….
Son: And?
Mother: It’s like singing.
Son: That’s it, the saw.
Mother: What a nice voice she has!
Son: She is not singing. It’s the saw that’s singing.
Mother: No way… She is singing into the saw?
Son: No, no singing. Just sawing.
Mother: But she is opening her mouth.
Son: She is breathing.
Mother: Are you sure she is not singing?

–Union Square subway station

Young Whoopi Goldberg Knew She Had to Be Funnier Than This Guy

Comedy show promoter: Miss! You dropped a dreadlock!
Black woman with dreadlocks: Where? (worriedly searches the ground)
Comedy show promoter, holding flyer in her face as looks up: Just kidding! You like comedy?

–Union Square

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