U.S. Geography

Female suit on cell: And if we get custody, we can take the girls to North Carolina! Fuck it! Yeah, we can!

–37th St & Madison

Overheard by: catching a train

Little boy: Mommy, is California really far? Would we have to take the f train to get there?

–N Train

Crazy-eyed lady on subway: The public schools failed my son! He flunked out, and now he's getting all As in private school! We need to stop putting money into Georgia and put money into our schools! You know what else we need to do? We need to drill in Alaska, because if we don't, Russia's going to get a pipeline in there and take it all!

–Uptown R Train

Overheard by: Anna P.

20-something woman: I think he's just going to club me…and drag me back to Alaska.

–Bleecker & 11th

Overheard by: Imma club you

Father to five-year-old daughter touching signposts and cars: You can rub anything you want in Connecticut, honey, but we have to be careful in New York.

–Union Square

Thugette: Ohio was mad crazy. Hillbillies be fucking chillin' on the block. Ain't no one had teeth! No one! You ever seen one of those movies where some white guy goes fucking crazy and kills, like, ten people? Like he's walking down the street and just stabs a cat in the neck? It was like that.

–V Train

Girl on cell: No, no, I’m not anywhere near there…No, I’m in Manhattan City, visiting a school.

–NYU Bookstore, Washington Place

Overheard by: Meghan

Guy waiting on passport line: I'd like an expedited passport.
Postal worker: Oooh! Going anywhere fun?
Guy: Florida.

–Post Office, Brooklyn Heights

Overheard by: BLSwhatwhat

Conductor: Could the loud and rowdy passengers please calm down? We ask that passengers on the train respect the other riders.
Sailor #1: Fuck you! Fuck you! I don’t give a fuck what you say. I do whatever I want.
Sailor #2: Wait, what if he gets mad and, like, drops us off in a different state?!

–6 train

Crying hipster girl: I lost $300 on that fucking team!
Hipster guy: Wait, why are you a Patriots fan? You’re from, like, California.
Crying hipster girl: Yeah, but I summer in Vermont!

–Pop Burger, 58th & 5th

Chick #1: I didn’t get into any of the colleges on the east coast I applied to. I’m so bummed.
Chick #2: But you got into Miami — that’s pretty cool.
Chick #1: But that’s not on the east coast. I’m going to have to get a passport and some crazy shots to go there.

–W 10th & Bleecker

Man on cell: Well, she wants a two bedroom in a great neighborhood and all this other shit…Where the hell does she think she’s moving to? She couldn’t find a place like that in New Orleans.

–100th & Broadway

Suit #1: Yeah, you know the San Andreas Fault?
Suit #2: What about it?
Suit #1: Well you know, dude, it's like the nation's asscrack.

–40th St & Lexington

Overheard by: Remind me not to live there…

Thug: So, if I’m half black and half American Indian, that makes me Puerto Rico.
Thugette: I told you that you was Puerto Rican.

–149th & 3rd, Bronx

Headline by: Mariya

Runners-Up:

· “Actually, it makes you unemployed” – Mr. Bone

· “Bitch, don’t be callin’ me no adjectival form!” – was “rico”/”rican” the first thing you noticed too?

· “Dora the Explorer: South Bronx Edition” – Scott

· “Runs With Hookers didn’t excel in Ethnic Studies” – bri b

· “The new theory of relativity” – sara swank


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Hobo: I was an extra in the movie [inaudible] Times Square, man! Did you see it? I was the one down on my knees screaming, ‘I’m a born-again porno addict!’

–N train

Man on cell: Yo, dude, I don’t know what to get! They got all kinds of shit in there!

–Outside adult video store, 14th & 6th

Overheard by: Sarah

Hot chick on cell: Why are you so stressed?! This sounds like a good thing! Don’t be so serious about it! It’ll be okay! Here, did you know there’s an animal rights group called ‘Porn Stars for Pups’?

–The Black Sheep

Overheard by: Argopelter

Guy on cell, pushing by couple with baby in stroller: I’m not going to California! I pay her twelve hundred dollars per hour. If she doesn’t sleep with Niko, then fire her! I lost a hundred thirty-eight fucking grand yesterday! Tell her what to do, and deal with it!

–Horatio & Hudson

Overheard by: Stephen Lindsay

Angry girl to friend: Seriously, Chris, can’t we go one day without talking about shizer porn?!

–East Village