Wednesday O-o-o-oooo-One-Liners

Skinny Spanish girl: That nigga was saying how he had me moaning and screaming, but I was like, "nigga, I'm just loud–that doesn't mean you're good!"

–Ft. Hamilton Parkway, Brooklyn

Overheard by: also loud

Ghetto chick to friend: Yo…in my country, it's illegal to not please your woman. You gotta fuck her till she begs you to stop.

–116th & 1st

Overheard by: DonnaRae

Man on phone: Yeah…I just fingerblasted her for like an hour. No big deal.

–E 4th St & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: intern2

Mom to teenage son: And I was like "sure, have sex in my bed, it never sees any."

–Mercer & W 3rd

Girl on cell: Oh no, he's back fucking his secretary now, so I'm like, completely free!

–East Village

20-something on cell, after loud graphic sex tale: And don't you be telling anyone! I don't like strangers knowing my business.

–Express Bus to Brooklyn

Posted on April 25, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Bus, Comebacks, Crime and Punishment, Friends, Ghetto Chicks, Girls, Hand-Jobs, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Infidelity, Latinos, Men, Moms, On Cell, On the Bus, One-liners, Parents, Rumor Has It, Sex, Skinny People, Street, Stupidity, Teens, The Village, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Your Wednesday Has Turned on the “One-Liners” Sign

Male flight attendant: Ladies and gentlemen, JetBlue welcomes you to the city which all other cities are reflections of… welcome to New York.

–JFK

Overheard by: SJK

Pilot over loudspeaker: Alright folks, get into your seats quickly. You don't have to love the person next to you and this ain't a furniture store.

–JFK

Overheard by: Allie

Witty flight attendant: And in case that you have not been in a car since 1962, I will now demonstrate how seatbelts work.

–JFK

Flaming flight attendant: In the event of a sudden change in cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop down in front of you. If this should occur, you may scream, then place the mask over your mouth and nose…

–JFK

JetBlue pilot: I hope you all enjoyed the flight. If you have any questions, please e-mail them to the Continental Airlines e-mail. Thank you for flying JetBlue.

–JFK

Overheard by: lonely passenger

Posted on April 25, 2015
Advice, Airports, All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Cars and Driving, Compare/Contrast, Flight Attendants, Internet, JFK Airport, Love, One-liners, Only in New York, Passengers, Pilots, Questions, Stupidity, Travel, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Wednesday One-Liners Don’t Fear the Reaper

Guy on cell: But he didn’t get shot…Oh, the old man’s dead? Niiiice!

–Starbucks, 57th St

Little Boy: Mommy, mommy! Guess what I dreamt about last night? I dreamt I was dead!

–Star Diner, 77th & 1st

Overheard by: Fruit Salad

Commuter: Well, I’d rather do it for a dead person than a handicapped one.

–LIRR train

Overheard by: LIRRider

Guy #1, to guy #2: I don’t want you to freak out about this, man, but when I die I want you by my side.

–Union Square

Posted on April 24, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Death, Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners Quit Their Day Jobs for Stand-up

Hobo to chick: You’re looking nice this evening! [She ignores him.] Normally you look like shit.

–Lafayette & White

Hobo eating entire roast chicken: You got a quarter for some food? Haven’t eaten in days.

–73rd & Broadway

Overheard by: mosugs

Hobo: Hey, look! It’s everyone’s favorite bum! [He’s ignored.] Oh, geez, that went over well.

–Outside Gray’s Papaya

Overheard by: Zach

Hobo to high school students: Hey, kids — stay smart, stay in school… Yeah! Be cool, stay in school! Someone’s got to arrest me one day!

–60th & 10th

Hobo: The fed done lowered interest rates again! You gentlemen get to keep mo’ money in yo’ pocket. Please donate a dollar to help me keep these financial updates as a free service.

–Beaver St

Overheard by: Big Larry

Hobo: I take American Express!

–West Village

Overheard by: Only had a Visa

Hobo: Ladies and gentlemen, please help keep our trains moving. Get out and push!

–A train

Posted on April 24, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Hobos, Panhandling, Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners Think “Speed Dating” Requires Meth

Jewish girl: She signs up for JDate, goes out to dinner, and is engaged in four months. I sign up for JDate, and I go out to dinner with a duck. What the hell!

–Astoria

Suit on cell: That's what you get when you start dating at age 18 while volunteering in a Croatian refugee camp.

–M66 Bus

Female 30-something suit: Why would you think I don't have taste in men just because I'd do a guy with a hook, or a guy in a wheelchair?

–31st & Crescent, Astoria

Loud woman on cell: It's called "communication," Larry! Communication! You are such an idiot!

–3rd Ave b/w 40th & 41st

Overheard by: Tom

College guy to friend: I don't understand it, man. Every time I go out with this girl, like her vagina is showing.

–8th St & University

Man on cell: 26 years? Damn! After 26 days, I'd be all like, "bitch, I love you and all, but the next word that comes outta yo mouth, I'm gonna have to bash yo head in with a frying pan. I'm sicka hearin' the sound of yo voice!" No, of course I don' mean that, baby.

–JFK Airport

Overheard by: Riot

Posted on April 23, 2015
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Astoria, Compare/Contrast, Dating, Frat Boys, Friends, Handicaps, Insults, Internet, JAPs, JFK Airport, Marriage, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, On the Bus, One-liners, Questions, Sex, Street, Suits, The Village, Threats, Vagina, Violence, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women, Words

Wednesday One-Liners Have Lipstick on Their Collars

Chick on cell: It was amazing! We spent the entire night together. We really connected. It just doesn’t seem like his wife knows him at all… Well, okay, Dad, gotta run. Love you, too.

–Smith & Baltic, Brooklyn

JAP with coldsore: I can’t date Jewish guys anymore. I mean, I really like Jewish guys, but I can’t stand them. Just because I’m dating someone, it doesn’t mean I can’t have sex with someone else!

–Murray Hill Diner

Chick: I thought it was bad being cheated on with an underage albino, but at least she wasn’t a fat tranny.

–42nd St

Girl on cell: I really had to talk about it, and I knew I couldn’t leave anything about our relationship on his answering machine! His wife listens to that! And his kids!

–67th & Broadway

Hipster chick: The married one I was having an affair with — if he MySpaced me, it’d be rude not to MySpace his wife, right?

–Mott & Prince

Posted on April 22, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Infidelity, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners Dread Ending Up on The Surreal Life

NYU guy to pal: If you could pick any five girls, and one of them had to be Tom Cruise…

–St. Mark’s & 3rd

Overheard by: Lexey

Man: If Leonard Cohen were a hamster, I’d kill him.

–Freddy’s Bar, Brooklyn

Hobo: Donald Trump is my cousin, but he doesn’t know it because I came out black.

–Museum Mile

Teen girl on cell: Hey, I just read that Brad and Angelina decided to adopt their next kid from Vietnam. You totally have a shot… No, seriously, you should apply. I mean, I guess you’d have to try out and stuff, but it’d so be worth it.

–Staten Island Ferry Terminal, Whitehall St

Skinny black goth girl: Am I gay, or am I Paris Hilton?!

–Cardozo High School

MTA elevator operator to another: You don’t have to be forgiven. Clint Eastwood taught us that.

–1 train station elevator, 168th St

Overheard by: martin gehrke

Guy on cell in line: Yeah, she’s messing around with Michael Jordan and shit! You do not want your lady messing around with Michael Jordan!

–Rite Aid, Brooklyn Heights

Overheard by: dutchman

Posted on April 22, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Brooklyn, Family Ties, Friends, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, On Cell, Race, Staten Island Ferry, Students, Train Station, Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners Have a “Distinctive Face”

Hobo: Ladies and gentlemen, I am homeless and I have no money. I am also ugly — that is why I have no friends.

–Kingston-Throop Station

Overheard by: Ann Lee

Old man passerby to hot guy kissing ugly chick: You can do better, son! You can do better!

–B train, 86th St

Tall Brit on cell: In Europe they definitely have an ugly girl problem, but back home in England it’s a damn epidemic.

–45th & 9th

Ugly beer-guzzler: Didn’t you know that they send all of the ugly people to Cleveland? Because then they’re all there together, and they feel comfortable enough to mate. Of course, I had to get out of there and come to New York!

–79th St Boat Basin Café

Overheard by: amalthya

Old guy to high school chick: You are very beautiful, but that shirt makes you look ugly!

–D train