Wednesday One-Liners

Read These Wednesday One-Liners to Induce Vomiting

Guy: Once I told my friend Ivan that I like to eat my scabs, and he said he did too, so we ate each other scabs.

–Park Slope

Ugly drunk girl: Sometimes I pick people's noses. (pause) Usually nothing comes out!

–LIRR, Huntington Line

Overheard by: I <3 Commuters Black guy on cell: Then I put KY all over her pussy, yo, and she wanted to spoon that shit up and eat it!

–Lafayette St

Man to family: Well, I've got to assume he's getting sick anyway, judging by the snot I just saw.

–Grand Central Station

Male law student: That's the good thing. You can scratch all day and it won't spread.

–Fordham Law School

20-something receptionist: Urp! I think I just coughed up a fetus. I better Lysol the phone.

–5th Ave

Overheard by: BrooklynBorn

Wednesday One-Liners Support a Woman's Right to Shoes

Dude looking at girl shoes: If I were a chick I'd wear the ugliest shoes, I swear.

–5th Ave

Woman on phone call with son's teacher: I know he's in the big boy group, but if you see he put his shoes on the wrong feet again, could you just let him know, please?

–57th St & Madison

Four-year-old girl: My toes are in my shoes!

–Bus

Overheard by: vcstr

Girl, with pride: I can't get laid in this town without these pointy fucking shoes. My feet are so black and blue, and so are you!

–F Train

Overheard by: Ofelia Hiney

Gay guy to friend: Oh, c'mon, at its best, The Wizard of Oz is just a story about two women fighting over a pair of shoes.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Paul N.

Wednesday One-Liners Think “Abroad” Sounds Dirty

20-something college student: I saw the movie Australia the other day, and I couldn't understand anything because they all had English accents.

–2 Train

Indian woman with accent, recalling story to husband: So I called up customer service, and right away the woman said "Oh, priti, you must be Indian". I said "No, I am not." I was like "What? Are you kidding me? I call customer service and they put me through to India? Then she said "Have you ever been to India?", I was like "No, I have not, is it nice?"

–Jackson Heights

Overheard by: Marie Z.

10-year-old girl, emoting mockingly for her minder: And I can see *Russia* from my *house*!

–74th & Broadway

Overheard by: Harriet Vane

Woman on cell: It's okay, I've got a plan. We'll move to Mexico, buy a lemonade stand by buying parts from a guy called Javier, earn some money, then smuggle ourselves and our belongings over the border to America, where no one will know what happened.

–5th Ave

30-something to friend: Apparently all of England's problems can't be solved by strangling an old guy!

–Roosevelt Island

Wednesdays Floss After Every One-Liner

Asian girl on cell: Yeah… or I could just knock her teeth out and sell them on eBay or something.

–Chelsea Market

Overheard by: Alyssa

Girl on cell: And out of nowhere dude a goddamn peacock feather hit me in the teeth!

–Starbucks, 8th & 39th

Old man: I can smell my own tooth decay!

–Times Square

Overheard by: One Liners Are The Best

Lady on cell: I don't know what to do. I'm like nervous… I know… I haven't bought toothpaste in years…

–Duane Reade

Guy on phone: The difference between you and me is you drink tea and eat tofu. I drink whiskey and make people eat their teeth.

–48th & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Rebecca

Don’t Get Your Wednesday One-Liners in a Twist!

Hot British chick on cell, looking through her bag: Oh, dear! I still have your knickers!

–Outside FIT

Overheard by: epsd101

Disgusted teen to pals: You don’t put dirty underwear in a Marc Jacobs handbag!

–75th & Park

Overheard by: Oh to be Priveledged…

Whiny girl: I feel so shitty tonight, like if my D cups were B cups or something.

–Grand Central

Overheard by: Trixie

Asian guy to another: By the end of the summer, both of us better be A cups!

–Bronx Science

Overheard by: LSB

Girl: What do you mean you don’t know?! Look in your underwear!

–12th & 1st

Overheard by: Thinking about my tighty-whities

Those Incomprehensible Youth Gay Codes

Boy inside elevator: Going up?
Boy outside elevator: I’m going down.
Boy inside elevator: Well, I’m in the elevator, and I’m going up.
Boy outside elevator: Oh…fine, be that way.

–Lafeyette Street Residence

Guy #1: Dude, you still sleeping in the closet?
Guy #2: Yeah.
Guy #1: You got an air mattress or anything in there yet?
Guy #2: Yeah, I’ve got a little mattress in there now. Still pretty sad though…I’m also drunk.

–East Campus dorm, Columbia University

Overheard by: merrellham

Wednesday One-Liners Get Swept Away in Masses Of Humanity

Tourist: Hey look, it's 42nd Street! They named it after a Broadway show.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Really? REALLY!?!

Tourist dad, as shuttle to Grand Central comes in: No! We need to take the purple to Grand Central Station, then the green!

–Times Square Shuttle Platform

Overheard by: D-Law

Male tourist, watching stranger propose underneath Christmas tree: Hey buddy, did you go to Jared?

–Rockefeller Center

Southern tourist lady, as subway stops: Oh no, I think the train ran out of gas!

–F Train

Overheard by: Matt

Southern tourist: I guess the birds ate all the hands off the statues.

–The Cloisters, Harlem

Overheard by: M@

Wednesday One-Liners Will Do Anything but the Macarena

Hipster girl: I didn’t do too much… I had a dance-off with a shark…

–East Village

Overheard by: hoping she won

Conductor: No train Hokey Pokey! Either you’re in or you’re out!

–7 train, Grand Central

Overheard by: 7 train day tornado hit brooklyn

40-ish blonde on cell: So, he thought it was going to be more than a dinner date. That prick wanted to bang me after dinner. I just wanted a dance partner I could throw away at the end of the night.

–39th & 3rd

Overheard by: Mark

Street performer, to crowd: Get closer — we don’t have weapons… Don’t be scared, it’s just black guys dancing!

–New York Public Library

Guy to female passersby, about Chuck Taylors: My grandmother had a pair of those shoes. She used to breakdance with a wooden leg.

–Paul Ave, Bronx

Overheard by: Lillian

Wednesday O-o-o-oooo-One-Liners

Skinny Spanish girl: That nigga was saying how he had me moaning and screaming, but I was like, "nigga, I'm just loud–that doesn't mean you're good!"

–Ft. Hamilton Parkway, Brooklyn

Overheard by: also loud

Ghetto chick to friend: Yo…in my country, it's illegal to not please your woman. You gotta fuck her till she begs you to stop.

–116th & 1st

Overheard by: DonnaRae

Man on phone: Yeah…I just fingerblasted her for like an hour. No big deal.

–E 4th St & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: intern2

Mom to teenage son: And I was like "sure, have sex in my bed, it never sees any."

–Mercer & W 3rd

Girl on cell: Oh no, he's back fucking his secretary now, so I'm like, completely free!

–East Village

20-something on cell, after loud graphic sex tale: And don't you be telling anyone! I don't like strangers knowing my business.

–Express Bus to Brooklyn

Your Wednesday Has Turned on the “One-Liners” Sign

Male flight attendant: Ladies and gentlemen, JetBlue welcomes you to the city which all other cities are reflections of… welcome to New York.

–JFK

Overheard by: SJK

Pilot over loudspeaker: Alright folks, get into your seats quickly. You don't have to love the person next to you and this ain't a furniture store.

–JFK

Overheard by: Allie

Witty flight attendant: And in case that you have not been in a car since 1962, I will now demonstrate how seatbelts work.

–JFK

Flaming flight attendant: In the event of a sudden change in cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop down in front of you. If this should occur, you may scream, then place the mask over your mouth and nose…

–JFK

JetBlue pilot: I hope you all enjoyed the flight. If you have any questions, please e-mail them to the Continental Airlines e-mail. Thank you for flying JetBlue.

–JFK

Overheard by: lonely passenger

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