Negative Twenty ‘Hood Points Just for Knowing the Word ‘Cosine’

Ghetto wannabe #1: Yo’ rhymes are so lame it’s like you took the cosine.
Ghetto wannabe #2: You so poor you go fishin’ for dimes.

–Woodhaven, Queens

Overheard by: drendar

Headline by: Against Marj

Runners-Up:

· “Bill and Hillary Prepare for Next Year’s Video Music Awards” – DoubleJ

· “Cosine? Like from Nigganometry?” – Big Larry

· “E = MC Hammer Squared” – Christina

· “M.C. Tangent and D.J. Non-Sequitur.” – SandmanEsq

· “My rhymes are so hype I can divide by zero, Burnin’ down the ghetto like my name is Nero” – mk

· “Whitey got no algorithm” – Charlie

· “Why Pythagorus never got sined.” – Julie Baber

· “Yo’ so dumb you only know pi to 3.14159” – arielle

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Posted on October 19, 2019
Arts & Letters, Gangstas, Headline Contest Winners, Queens, Stupidity, Words

Who Let the Wednesday One-Liners Out?

Queer, to his German Shepherd: Steven, don’t play these mind games with me!

–23rd & 8th

Man, restraining his dog from following another dog across the street: C’mon, buddy. It wasn’t meant to be.

–6th St & 7th Ave, Park Slope

Woman dragging her dog away from another dog who is barking frantically: You know what? You’re just cuter than her. That’s why she’s so upset.

–Ditmars Blvd, Astoria

Overheard by: sara n.

Cop to his whining German Shepherd: Awww, what’s wrong baby? Did you see an asshole?

–West 4th Station

Posted on October 12, 2019
All Wednesday One-Liners, Astoria, Beauty, Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Cops, Gay Man's Best Friend, Insults, Man's Best Friend, Men, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Park Slope, Queer guys, Questions, The Village, Women, Words

The End Of Western Civilization: An OINY Short Story.

Lawyer #1: I saw this funny video on YouTube last night. I did a search for “retards” and there was this one called “retarded Britney Spears fan.” It was a retard singing one of her songs.
Lawyer #2: Have you seen 2 Girls 1 Cup?
Lawyer #1: I was able to watch about two seconds of it before I had to click it off.
Lawyer #2: Did you see the one called “extreme pain”? I could only watch about five seconds of it. A guy was cutting off his own dick.
Lawyer #1: That's some sick shit. How's your cat?
Lawyer #2: You should see her. She rolls over on her back and my dog licks her between the legs for a long time, then smacks his lips.
Lawyer #1: You should video that and put it on YouTube. Call it “eating pussy.” You'll get a million hits!

–Civil Court, 141 Livingston St., Brooklyn

Overheard by: Big Larry

Posted on October 8, 2019
Brooklyn, Gay Man's Best Friend, Internet, Lawyers, Licking, Man's Best Friend, Music, Penis, Poop, Questions, Retardation, Singing, Time, Vagina, Words

The Cooties Appear to Have Gone to His Brain

Four-year-old #1: Ice cream makes your head fall off.
Four-year-old #2: No, it doesn’t.
Four-year-old #1: It was just an expression, asshole.
Four-year-old #2, to his dog: Don’t let him pet you.

–Central Park

Overheard by: amused tourist

Posted on October 1, 2019
Advice, Boys, Central Park, Food, Kids, Man's Best Friend, Stupidity, Talking/Convos, Threats, Words

Tonight's Lesson: Making Long Island Iced Teas

Aunt: Do you know what you are being?
Child: Yeah.
Aunt: Does it start with a b?
Child: Maybe.
Aunt: Your father calls me that all the time, you can say it…I give you permission.
Child: No.
Aunt: Is it a female dog?
Child: Yeah.
Aunt: Come, tell me…is it “bitch?”
Child: Yeah, I'm a being a bitch.

–Isabella's, 81st St

Overheard by: Gerald T Reiner Jr.

Posted on September 29, 2019
Animals & Nature, Default, Family Ties, Gender issues, Girls, Insults, Kids, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Women, Words

At Auditions for a Revival of You Can’t Do That on Television

Dude: What happened?
Soaked chick: I dunno. There was like a ‘Grrr’ and then a like ‘Woosh’ and then like a ‘Splat’ and then I was like, ‘What the fuck…’
Dude: Oh. That explains it.

–50th & Lex

Posted on July 22, 2019
Girls, Guys, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Talking/Convos, Words

Isn’t It One of the Words on the Statue Of Liberty?

Student: I tried to write my Spanish essay but I don’t know how to say “bitch” in Spanish.
Professor: You live in New York and you don’t even know that?

–Brooklyn College

Overheard by: Guy

Posted on July 11, 2019
Brooklyn, Brooklyn College, Default, Education, Insults, Languages, Only in New York, Students, Teachers/Professors, Words

Wednesday One-Liners, the People's Chariot

Ghetto fab bus driver : Hello and good morning. Welcome to the Bolt Bus, my name is Jacques and I'm going to be your operator today. We do appreciate your business. Well, I appreciate your business. For my nails. Getting my hair done. Yeah.

–BoltBus

Overheard by: Julie and Mark The Snob

Bus driver (as bus leaves Lexington stop): The stop after this stop will be the next stop.
(as bus turns into Central Park) Ladies and gentlemen, the next stop will be Central Park West. Please have your passports ready.

–Crosstown Bus

Bus driver over intercom (as bus passes Unisphere): Oh, everyone's from New York? Then y'all already know this spot! I can't tell you nothing! Bye.

–Shuttle Bus, Flushing Meadows Park

Conductor: Good morning! This is the bus dispatcher. It's a sunny 78 degrees on a beautiful Wednesday! I'm happy to report the bus lanes inbound to New York are slicing through traffic like a hot knife through butter! Enjoy your day, control center, out.

–NJ Transit Bus

Overheard by: Jerzey…CloseEnough

Conductor: Alright folks, remember to keep cool today and drink plenty of water. I recommend ya'll eat some Honey Nut Cheerios. Honey Nut Cheerios will make ya'll nicer to each other. Stay away from that bacon and eggs. Too hot. Yes, Honey Nut Cheerios. Have a nice day.

–B61 Bus

Overheard by: should have eaten breakfast