Tourist dressed like biker: Excuse me, do you know where the dancing monkeys are?
New Yorker: (silence)
Tourist: Dancing monkeys?
New Yorker: You're in New York, they're on every street corner.
–Broadway & White
Tourist dressed like biker: Excuse me, do you know where the dancing monkeys are?
New Yorker: (silence)
Tourist: Dancing monkeys?
New Yorker: You're in New York, they're on every street corner.
–Broadway & White
Woman #1: You ever just have one of those days?
Woman #2: Yeah.
Woman #1: I’m having a whole week. I swear to god. And I just walked here from…Oh, forget it.
Woman #2: Oh.
Woman #1: And now I can’t even find my makeup! I swear to god, if they don’t have it, I’m gonna fucking…I don’t know!…I’ll fucking kill a tourist!
Woman #2: Oh, I hope it’s not me!…Ha, ha, ha!
5 minutes later.
Woman #2: That’s her! That’s her! That’s the New Yorker who cursed at me and threatened me!
Woman #3: It’s like seeing one in their natural habitat! I can’t wait to tell everyone a real New Yorker threatened you!
Woman #2: I know! It’s awesome!
–Sephora, Broadway between 43rd & 44th
Overheard by: Non-Bitchy New Yorker
Local: Where you do want to go today, Mom?
Tourist mom: I don’t know. A museum?
Local: We always go to a museum when you visit. Let’s try a new one this time. We haven’t been to the Guggenheim. The Museum of Sex is interesting.
Tourist mom: Museum of what? Museum of Sex? They have that here?! Please tell me you don’t go there. Do you go to church these days? Hmmm? Do they have churches in this city?!
–Union Square Park
Tourist lady: Does this A train go to Jamaica?
NY chick: The A train doesn’t go to Jamaica.
Tourist lady: Is this the A train?
NY chick: Yes.
Tourist lady: And it goes to Jamaica?
NY chick: The A train does not go to Jamaica.
Tourist lady: But I need the A train.
NY chick: This is it.
Tourist lady: I need the A train to Jamaica.
NY chick: The A train does not…Oh forget it. This is your train, lady, get on!
–Times Square station
Overheard by: Cat
Tourist guy: Do you live here?…Excuse me, do you live here?
Black woman: Yeah, what do you want?
Tourist guy: Is this the 6 train?
Black woman: Yeah, sure.
Tourist guy: So it will take me to Grand Central?
Black woman: Yeah, no doubt…But it’s weekend, so you never know where the train is going to take you.
–Q train
Overheard by: Josh
Irate professional woman on cell: I raced down to Penn Station to buy a ticket to New Jersey, and now you tell me you're going to Hooters?
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Erin and Willa
Blonde hipster: I knew I needed to get out of there when I heard her saying, "we should go to that bar next because it's near the PATH!"
–Rivington & Essex
Train conductor: The next stop is Park Place. Transfer is available to the a, c, e and PATH to Newwwwwwwwwww Jersey. I also have wonderful news that I am dying to tell you today. All 2 and 3 trains are making local stops this weekend. There are no express trains because of service changes.
–2 Train
Girl, interrupting singing couple: Guys, we need to class it up, we are not in Jersey anymore!
–5th Ave & 86th
Overheard by: GerMan in NY
Four-year-old boy: I don't wanna go to New Jersey!
–New Jersey Transit Terminal, Penn Station
Hipster: But you were in New Jersey when you got pregnant, it's okay.
–1st & St. Mark's
Female tourist to friend: Oh my god, do we really get to take the subway? Gosh, you have to take a picture of me with the subway! C'mon, take the picture!
Man, overhearing: Oh my god, let's push you down the stairs and see how much you like the subway.
–Rockafeller Center Subway
Overheard by: Kirby
Headline by: Ryan
Runners-Up:
· “A *Real* New Yorker Would’ve Just Pushed Her” – Thaniel
· “Give a Tourist a Pin and She’ll Remember NY for a Week, Push Her Down the Stairs, and She’ll Remember It for the Rest Of Her Life” – Prole
· “How Tourist-Tossing Got Started” – Barry
· “It Would Save Her That Stop at Planned Parenthood” – niqua
· “Throw in a Rape and Mugging and You’ll Get the Full Subway Experience” – Forensic Photographer
· “Why Is It Called “Tourist Season” If We Can´t Kill Them?” – Fresca P.
Man #1: Someone took a shit in the sink.
Man #2: It happens. This is New York.
–Men’s Room, Port Authority
20-something chick #1: … So was she, like, dating that married guy?
20-something chick #2: No! Man, you can’t date a married guy, he’s married! You can only fuck a married guy.
Lady with kids: Do you mind?!
20-something chick #2: If you don’t want your kids to hear about fucking married men, then don’t raise them in New York!
–34th & Madison
Overheard by: I hate kids too…
Receptionist: Hi, I'm calling from Bridgehampton, New York and would like to invite to a gallery event we are having in Southampton this weekend.
New York woman: Oh… is that in the Hamptons?
Receptionist: Why, yes, it is.
New York woman: Well… we don't go to that shithole anymore! (hangs up)
Receptionist: Thank you for you time.
–Publication Office
Woman walking against massive subway crowd: Woah, this is fun. Hey, everybody!
Man, after passing her: Fuck you, lady.
–Lorimer Stop
Overheard by: richhorner.com
